Monday, December 27, 2010


Greetings from Paris! We arrived yesterday morning after pretty much the best you can expect from an international flight. We flew direct Seattle to Paris on AirFrance, and let me tell you, the French know how to run an airline. There was a real meal that started off with a smoked salmon salad, and complimentary wine, and individual movie screens at each seat.  I think Kyle ended up watching approximately three whole movies, which wasn't exactly in his plans to sleep through the entire flight, but better than being awake and staring at the back of a seat. All and all, it went much more smoothly than I anticipated.

My family held off on "Christmas" until yesterday, although Kyle slept through all the festivities, since he didn't get any sleep on  the plane or the night before we left. There is only a very tiny oven here, so my dad cooked us Cornish game hen instead of turkey, which was wonderful, and we opened gifts, most of which were for my fetus. Baby now has a plate and bowl with animals on it, a stuffed elephant, and bunny slippers, which are possibly the most adorable things I have ever seen.

We are also joined here my some Dutch cousins of ours, and they are pretty much my Dutch mom and dad, so it is lovely seeing them and telling them of my pregnancy. Also, my sister. Since she's been here, she clearly become a classy French woman--it suits her magnificently, but when I am around she devolves into my baby sister, making dumb noises and faces and climbing all over me, and I miss her so much. It's very clear that she loves it here and has no intentions of coming home any time soon.  I told her she has to come visit after the baby is here, but she doesn't make very much money blah blah blah. I'm sure she'll find a way, though. Probably by talking my dad into buying her a ticket for Christmas next year.

We did the Louvre today. Kyle ended up splitting off and hanging out at an internet cafe, which is typical for him, but I figure that whatever keeps him happy is fine with me, as Paris really isn't his ideal vacation spot. The Louvre is kind of disappointing, though, to be honest. It's super crowded, and the collections don't seemed to be arranged with more thought than "this room is shit from Egypt." I think I prefer smaller, more specific museums. I loved the musee d'Orsay when we visited Paris last (I was 15 or 16), but I wanted to see the Louvre this time, since I hadn't before. Some of the Egyptian stuff was pretty lovely, though, and when we found rooms that weren't to crowded it was nice. We also saw the apartments of Napoleon, which is all the original stuff from when the museum was a palace, and that was amazing and definitely worth seeing.

But that picture doesn't even begin to capture the majesty. When you see the ostentatiousness of it you think no wonder they got overthrown. And behind all the walls filled with painting, every room is like this.

After the museum we went to a cafe for lunch. I thought it was funny the French onion soup is just onion soup here, but I guess that makes sense.

Tomorrow is sister time, I think. We're going shopping. I'm not too worried, for once, about spending too much money, since I can't really buy any clothing right now, with the whole maternity thing, but we passed today a lot of adorable expensive looking baby shops, so maybe that.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Like a kid on Christmas Eve...

So you know how the night before something exciting, like your first day at a new job, or say, a trip to visit your sister in France you don't feel like sleeping and you say it's like you're a kid on Christmas Eve? Yeah, I just had that thought. And then I remembered that it is in fact Christmas Eve.

I haven't really been feeling very festive this year. We didn't do any decorating, since leaving three cats alone in our house with a Christmas tree seemed like a poor choice. I'm not exchanging a ton of gifts with people this year, either, and what I'm getting will be for the most part purchased in Paris, so I haven't really done that either. Combine that with the stress of working in retail during the holiday season, and well, you wouldn't be feeling so jolly either.

It's Christmas Eve and I'm sitting in bed waiting for my nail polish to dry before I go to bed. Kyle is out getting a beer with a friend. We had mac and cheese for dinner. It's very unChristmas-y. And tomorrow we are taking the bus to the airport. Wahoo. We don't actually make it into Paris until the 26th, but the family is holding off on the festivities until we get there. So that is nice.

My dad's favorite cousin and his wife are also joining us for a few days in Paris, and I'm really excited to tell them about my pregnancy. When they saw my sister in November (right when I found out), they were asking her if I was going to do the baby thing soon, so they'll be excited. And it's pretty amazing to be able to tell the in person, since the last time we saw each other was at my wedding.

I'm itching to announce it. Now that we've made it this far, there's no point in spoiling the surprise before we get that ultrasound done in January when we get back, but I'm ready to be out. I feel lately like everything in my life relates back to this, and I'm finding it difficult just to carry on normal conversations with people for fear of letting something slip. And the whole growing belly thing is clearly going to become an issue soon. (I went through all my dresses trying to find something appropriate for going out in Paris and nothing fit!) But we'll be able to be out with family this week in Paris, and then we only have a few days after we get back before we can tell everyone. Ready ready ready.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


Also, Kyle and I stopped by Target on our way home from dinner the other night, and I decided to buy a Bella Band (well, the knock-off Target version, anyway), so in the case that all of the sudden my pants don't fit I am not stuck buying a whole new wardrobe in a foreign country. So of course, as soon as we get home I try that sucker on. Omigosh, I never want to button my pants ever again. Amazing. I will probably end up buying a few more, as I can already tell I'm going to end up living in the thing. Question to the more experienced: is it worth it to pay extra and get the name brand?

Two more days...

...of work before vacation. Hallelujah. I also need to get the hell away from work because they are all going to guess my secret because I think I'm for real starting to look pregnant. I can still suck it in and look like a normal human being, but if I relax or slouch at all... there's a tummy. And it's kind of weird how it's clearly a bump and not like, fat. Well, I guess that isn't weird at all, since I am in fact pregnant, and not fat, but you know. I thought I would go through a fat-looking phase before I got to the part where I started to look pregnant, but apparently. not.  I still don't have pictures because camera cable is still MIA, although it supposedly is in transit to us right now. So soon I will have a barrage of photos, since I have been dutifully taking them every week, even if I have no where to put them

I do, however, have this fabulous (and by fabulous I mean crappy and blurry) camera-phone picture of the new haircut I got today!  (I deliberately took this picture extra up-close so there wouldn't be any belly in it for the facebook viewers--sorry!) I love haircuts. I haven't had one since February because my regular stylist went and had a baby and I've been hair-homeless for a while now. My last cut was a cheapie at a hair school and I wasn't completely happy with it, so even though I've been wanting a change since at least this summer, I wasn't really sure where to go. But there was no way I was going to go hang out in Paris with split ends that are visible from a mile away, so I made an appointment at VAIN, and voile! I get so bored with my hair. I've been growing it out since I got married in 2008 (me and BFF decided to do it together--we made it to our goal in September), and it's been driving me crazy, because I like to change it up, well, far more often than that. So hurray. I feel awesome.

So, eleven weeks and everything is awesome. I can't wait to see my family.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Crazy Girl

So, scratch what I said about not barfing anymore. Still doing that, apparently.

The last few days have been interesting. My not-feeling-pregnant-anymore and worrying-baby-stuff stress came to the head the other night. I was just talking calmly to Kyle about how I was starting to feel overwhelmed with all of this stuff that I didn't know and how many options there are, etc., and all of the sudden the tears started flowing and I was freaking out. Hormones. Very fun.

Kyle doesn't know quite what to do with me in times like these. When we were first together, years ago (and hadn't really grown up yet), I had a habit of taking everything really personally and flipping out and crying and that didn't get us off to a super great start. I also just tend to be a highly emotional person, and when my emotions run high, often so do my tears. So recently I've had to tell him to ignore the tears and listen to what I'm saying, because otherwise it has a tendency to look to him like I am trying to be manipulative, when really crying is just my physical response to a high stress or high tension conversation. So he's been pretty good about just ignoring the tears and treating the conversation as he would without them.

This thing the other night, though, was different. I didn't start crying because our conversation was making me emotional, I started crying because I am a big crazy hormone filled ball of stress and honestly in this instance I needed him to see that I needed more than for him to just take what I was saying at face value and instead to calm me down and comfort me, but I have trained him too well to ignore my outbursts, so he asked me to turn off the light to he could go to sleep. And I continued sniffling in the dark for a good hour because I'm crazy, and, you know, PREGNANT.

I did manage to get across to him that I really need him to start thinking about things. It's really stressing me out that he's not worried about anything relating to this pregnancy or caring for a baby or witnessing another human being come barreling out of my nether regions. And it's because he doesn't have a freaking clue what he's getting himself into. Unlike, say, me, he hasn't spent a bazillion years reading the books and the blogs. He doesn't have a lot of friends with kids, and the ones that do he doesn't see or talk to very often. He has no idea that there's anything that he ought to worry about. I don't even care that he choose to worry about the same things that are stressing me out. In fact, it would probably be better if he chose his own topics so that he could calm me down about car seats and daycare, and I could help relieve his stress about say, the likelihood of me dying in childbirth .Because that's something I'm pretty not worried about. But at this point he's only really worried about money, but we're both always worried about money, baby or not, so that's not really different than it was before we got this party started.

He has vowed to begin doing some reading. I've given him Henci Goer's The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth, because the ΓΌber-sciencey nature of it is right up his alley, and because even though he's been supportive of my desires to have a natural and low-intervention birth, I want him to be on the same page with me on the reasons WHY I want that, so he can better support me in getting what I (we) want and not calling for an epidural at the first sign of wife-in-pain, as one of our friends did for his natural birth craving wife. And He also has Penny Simkin's The Birth Partner, because, well, duh. That's all that I'm asking of him at this point. When he gets through those, we'll see if he's interested in anything else. At least we have a couple of 10+ hour plane rides coming up to work on all that reading.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

I need a vacation

Okay, I am tired of being pregnant. While I am aware that most women feel this way at some point during pregnancy, I'm pretty sure that usually they last longer than ten weeks. But I'm ahead of the curve. Or something. Really, though, I'm over it. I don't want to like, not be pregnant, either, since I'm rather heavily anticipating the prize at the end, but I wish there was a pause button somewhere, so that I could maybe take a week's vacation from it all and then start back up where I left off. And I could eat raw fishes and soft cheeses and rare steak and have a god-damned cocktail. A girl can dream.

But seriously. I feel like I'm in some sort of pregnancy limbo-land right now. I'm definitely not showing yet, and we're still not sharing the news. The people that do know about it I think have gotten over their initial excitement, and so it's not LETS TALK ABOUT THE BABY!!! time anymore. Our first ultrasound isn't until January. And most of my early-pregnancy symptoms have tapered off. My boobs are still a little sore, but not all-the-time distracting. I'm periodically nauseous, but no longer vomiting. I'm not dead-tired anymore, but I'm still only running at about 80%. I suppose I should be happy about these things, but it just makes me feel like I am in no-man's land. At least I got to be constantly reminded that I'm growing a BAYBEEE! And, you know, I kind of like having something to complain about. Weird, but true. Now it's just whatever.

Lately I have also completely lost my appetite. Food does not interest me. Except for maybe chocolate. But nothing, say, nutritious. Or filling. And as such I forget to eat. And then my stomach starts growling and rumbling and it's uncomfortable and my body is telling me it's hungry, but my head? Still not interested. So then I eat some chocolate ice cream to quiet my stomach so that I can get some sleep. You think I'd be doing everything I could to make healthy choices for my fetus, but um, apparently not. At the end of all of this it's entirely possible that I will give birth to a baguette, since French bread is the only thing that doesn't seem completely unappetizing right now. Great.

Also, I am kind of freaking out. Interestingly enough, I am not really scared of becoming huge and swollen ankles and varicose veins and stretch marks and back aches. I don't fear contractions. I am not afraid of labor, or the "ring of fire," of any of it. I'm pretty sure it will be hard and it will be painful, but I'm completely confident I'll come out on the other side just fine. I think this is the result of spending oh, the last two years reading everything I could get my hands on about pregnancy and birth. Pregnancy and birth are old hat to me. Totally fine.

But everything else? I'm at a loss. I can push a baby out, but what the hell do I do with it afterward? Seriously. I've never babysat, ever. Never changed a diaper. I have given a baby a bottle twice, with supervision, and one of those times I was eight years old and I wouldn't even remember it except for the photographic evidence, so I'm pretty sure it doesn't count. I don't know a thing about car seats or strollers, and I'm pretty sure that babywearing sounds awesome, but as soon as I start thinking about the myriad options for slings and carriers I start panicking.

Lately I've been spending my time reading the archives of Alphamom, because it's so much more interesting than doing the dishes, or like, putting on pants. So last night it occurred to me, all of the sudden that not only am I going to have a baby, but at some point that baby is going to become a school-aged child, and perhaps a  TEENAGER and we'll have to talk about SEX and what the hell have I gotten myself into?

When did I get so crazy? Before getting pregnant I had all sorts of modern, positive ideas about age-approriate lifetime sex education and blah blah blah and this sort of stuff never worried me before and then hormones and you read one silly blog post about teenage boys and internet pornography and your brain explodes.

Did I mention I need a vacation? Welp, we go to Paris in nine days (holy crap!), so there is that. I will probably be pretty lax on the avoidance of fancy cheese and bubbly alcoholic beverages, because really, I need a break, and moderation and all that. Okay.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


Hi Blog! Today marks ten weeks! TEN. Very exciting. According to the stupid email I got from Baby Center today, I am now officially harboring a fetus. You know, instead of an embryo. I'm sure most pregnant women just think of whatever they are incubating as simply a baby, or rather the baby, and I do that, too, especially when talking about it because no one likes hearing me wax poetic about a fetus, and as much as I am attached to my little parasite (oh, am I), I am sort of loathe to grant personhood to the unborn, my own or otherwise. I don't want to get all political on you, but um... that's exactly what I'm going to do.

I've always been "pro-choice," that much is certain. In fact, for the longest time I never really even thought of it because it seemed pretty obvious to me, and growing up in a very liberal area, this belief was never challenged by, you know, real people that I actually knew. Early in our relationship, Kyle and I discussed the possibility of unplanned pregnancy, and at that time as a college student looking starry-eyed into the future, my plan was to rush to the nearest clinic in case of emergency. Kyle was a little less convinced that would be the best plan, but I was unconcerned. It ended up being a non-issue, of course, because I went and acquired the most effective birth control I could find. Easy-peasy.

Being pregnant puts all of this into new light. My pregnancy is not especially difficult in the grand scheme of things, but honestly, it's still a huge pain in the ass. And in the boobs. And let's not even discuss what awaits at the end of 40 weeks. Pushing a what out of where? And we haven't even begun to discuss the whole child-rearing issue. That's eighteen years at least. This pregnancy is more wanted than, well, anything else I have ever wanted, but even then I have days where I could go back to September and make the decision to wait just a little bit longer.  I can't imagine having to go through all the trials of pregnancy and then childbirth when you didn't want it.

And I'm not suggesting that every unwanted or unplanned pregnancy should end in abortion, because clearly, just no. Choice is about choice, and for me there was a point where my outlooked shifted and an unplanned pregnancy would have been something I would have decided I wanted more than not. But... just... not even being given the choice, and having to do this when it's the last thing you want... there are no words.

It's also a good part of the reason why we haven't announced our pregnancy yet. While we are like, the most low risk pregnancy ever, I know there is a tiny chance that something is horribly wrong. And if that's the case we're planning to pro-choice the hell out of it, if you know what I mean. Obviously, this isn't everyone's choice, nor should it be, but Kyle and I feel very strongly that we would not be good parents to a special-needs child, nor would having one allow us to be good partners to each other. And while I'm secure in my feelings about this issue, it's so not something I want to discuss with Kyle's Catholic Grandma, or like, anyone really.

So, we wait. Until January, even though a Christmastime announcement sounds oh-so-nice. And assuming everything at our ultrasound looks peachy-keen, it'll be go time. And maybe I will stop thinking about it as a fetus. But probably not, because the scientist in me likes that.

P.S. Still no camera so I google-image-searched "10 weeks fetus" for something innocuous to put here, and OMG, don't do that. Lots of really unpleasant abortion photos or possibly doctored images. Not convincing me of anything, but still, ick. So no picture for this post.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Let's talk about...

SEX! No, really. Kyle and I haven't had sex since we found out I was pregnant. Well, we tried once, but it was uncomfortable for me so we stopped and yeah. And we only did it once between conception and the positive test, and I don't think you could count it as good sex, since I was too distracted by my boobs hurting to be paying attention. Pathetic, yes I know.

So anyway. When the hell are we going to do it again? I think Kyle's actually appreciated this time he's had without me bugging him, since my sex drive has normally been irritatingly high, but like normally if I don't initiate for a while he still does and it's been a month and a half and nada. I don't even feel particularly like having sex, really, but I miss the intimacy and I'm kind of afraid that we'll just never have sex again. Like we'll just forget that we ever liked it and how to do it and we've been okay for this long so why bother? Is that stupid? I don't know, but that's where my crazy, hormone-addled brain is going right now. And then I start worrying about how we'll ever have another baby. As if I needed to start even thinking about siblings yet. For real, I am a mess.

Maybe vacation will help. France in sixteen days!

In other news I am nine weeks pregnant as of yesterday. Actually it was more like HOLY CRAP NINE!?!?!?! WEEKS! Yeah. Still no pictures as I still have no camera cord. I am dutifully taking them still, though. I feel a little bigger this week, maybe, but in a lol, where'd my waist go kind of way. Definitely not looking pregnant yet. I did wear a maternity dress yesterday, but it's one that I bought back last spring just because I thought it was cute, and there's no way it will actually fit me when I am in fact needing maternity wear, so I don't think that counts. Oh well.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

A little bit of everything.

Oh man, I have been a bad blogger. I am sorry. Unfortunately now that I've let it go so long without posting anything, it's hard to even know where to start. Lots has happened recently, and I think a bog post full of bullet points is the only way to get through it with any sort of coherence.

Please accept this as a substitute for a belly picture.

  • I had my first midwife appointment this week on Thursday. It was a little crazy because the birth center had two births that day so I ended up seeing one of the assisting student midwives, and the end of my appointment was very please-let-yourself-out-I-have-to-go-catch-a-baby, but honestly I'm glad that laboring women get priority, because obviously that will be nice when I'm in need of a baby-catcher. We went through my medical history, etc., and the just of the appointment was pretty much, "wow, you are ridiculously healthy and well informed." I knew that already, of course, but it's nice to hear. Basically everything I already knew; I am at an increased risk for post-partum depression, but other than that, everything is groovy. We talked about what they reccomend for that, and she let me know which local doulas and childbirth classes are dreadlocked hairy-armpitted hippies, not because I care, but because I know such things would put Kyle off, and I need him to be comfortable too. And then I peed in a cup and they took some blood and everything is peachy keen, as far as I know. They've referred me to a local hospital's fetal/maternal medicine unit to do my combined screening, and we're hoping that we can get in before we go to France. It will be our first chance to hear the heartbeat, etc., so I am super looking forward to that, and also getting assurances that everything is going well. So far, the only confirmation I have that I am even pregnant, is my home test pee-stick, and while my symptoms regularly remind me that something's in there, it would be nice to be able to see what's going on. Soon.
  •  We hit eight weeks on Wednesday! It seems like a lot. I took pictures, of course, but Kyle somehow mangled our camera cord, and my laptop doesn't read HD cards, so they are trapped forever there, or at least until we get a new cable. However, if you want to know what I look like you can look at any of the pictures from the last four weeks, because I look exactly EXACTLY the same. I know this is a blessing, especially since I'm not "out" yet, but honestly, I'm excited for stuff to start moving around. Or at least for bigger boobs. Something, please. Anyway, blog posts are much better with pictures, so instead of my non-belly, there is an adorable kitten for you at the top of this post, care of google image search.
  • Speaking, of being "out," or not, as the case may be, I've been thinking more about how and when to tell the general public about all of this. For the most part, I don't really care who knows, I just don't want to actually have to announce it. I'm a fairly introverted girl, and I don't like making myself the center of attention. I had a hard time telling people I was engaged when Kyle and I were getting married, too. It just seems very difficult, to me, to find a way to bring up, completely out of context this random (though, yes, exciting) news, and like, change the subject to being ALL. ABOUT. ME. It makes me feel horrible and awkward, especially because there are quite a few people who would be upset if they were not to get a personal phone call, which makes it all the worse for me. I'd like to tell as many people as possible via mass email or facebook announcement, so that I just don't have to deal with it. And I'm sorry, as much as I like talking about it, I'm afraid that by the ninth set of aunts and uncles (and we'd not even be all the way through Kyle's side yet!) I'll just be so over answering the same questions that I'll be feigning excitement and it just won't be good. Fortunately, though, my mother-in-law decided that an email would be appropriate for most of Kyle's family,  so we'll only have to make a few calls when the time comes.
  • I'm especially anxious about everyone at work finding out. For the most part it will be fine, and I know everyone will be happy and excited for me. My friends that I worked with at my old location all know how much I wanted this so they'll think it's awesome, and there are so many mothers working at my new location that they'll be totally cool, too, so that's not the problem. Just there is one guy in particular that I am worried about. He is technically my boss, which makes things more complicated, although boss-lady won't let things get too shitty because she is awesome. He is a pain in the ass to work with as it is for a myriad of reasons (he doesn't really respect women, we have very different ways of looking at things, communication styles, etc., he thinks that to be respected he has to be an asshole), and I know that as soon as he finds out I am pregnant he'll be super nice to me, but in a very paternalistic, no let me lift that for you kind of way and I really don't want that. I know when to ask for help and when I am pushing myself too hard, and I want to be able to make those decisions for myself, so I can't help but worry about that whole dynamic.
  • My plan right now for telling people is to announce just before we leave for France, so at least the news will have a week to sink in before I have to deal with everyone. I'm real magnanimous, I know. At least by that point we'll most likely have fetus pictures, that will make the news more fun. However, if anything looks funky in our ultrasound, I'm probably holding off, because we're pretty sure we are terminating if anything is really wrong, and I don't think that would go over well with Kyle's catholic family. Or with anyone, really. So. But we're not really high risk for anything so I'm trying not to worry about it. One of Kyle's cousins does have Downs Syndrome, though. I don't know.
  • My regular yoga class is getting super uncomfortable. I really started to feel it this week. Next class is restorative poses, which I definitely don't want to miss, and then the following week is the annual, teacher takes us all out for Indian food not class, which obviously I can handle, but I'm probably not going back after Christmas. Sad. I did drop into a prenatal class this past Monday, though, and I really liked it. It was the only one I could find offered at a reasonable time (i.e. not 1pm on a Tuesday... really?) but actually managed to be pretty awesome. The instructor and owner of the center is one of the local premier prenatal teacher trainers, I guess, so that is pretty good. I was the least pregnant woman there, by at least eight weeks, but it was good and all the women were super nice, which was cool, since I know like 3 people who are or have in the last five years been pregnant in real life, so. So. Glad I found that.
Okay, so that's as much as I am going to cram into this post, because it's clearly way too much information and now my brain feels like mush from trying to sort all that out (or possibly because I am pregnant and my brain feels like mush most of the time), and I need to go to bed, because the more sleep I get the less likely I seem to be to spend my entire morning barfing. So, goodnight.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Cookies, and their tossing.

This growing a person business is starting to get more difficult. The morning sickness thing was okay for a while. The nausea was pretty mild and intermittent and I could handle it. And the barfing was quick and relieved the discomfort. Not so anymore. Yesterday morning I spent so much time puking that I had to leave for work without doing my hair or makeup. And I'm the kind of gal who always does my hair and makeup. Horrible florescent bile. I know this is extreme TMI, but I have to get it out of my system. Ick ick ick. Also, I cry when I vomit. Involuntary reflex. And I get puffy when I cry. And I remain puffy, for oh, twenty four hours or so. All in all, not such a good chain of events.

Anyway, for the first time yesterday, queasy acid-stomach feeling was not relieved by the up-chucking, and I was left with this horrible sour feeling all day. I tried to eat various breadstuffs to soak up the ick, but that didn't work at all. Since it was slow, I left work early, thank goodness, because I felt like I was about to pass out all day.  I felt a little better as I was eating the soup I demanded Kyle prepare for me, but the goodwill ended as soon as the bowl was empty.

I woke up this morning feeling slightly less awful, but definitely not entirely better. I tend not to have puking problems on days I let myself sleep in, but things are still unsettled. Great. I really fear that I won't feel un-pukey again for the next six weeks. A scary thought. The heaviest workload time of year is upon us, and then I'm spending a week in Paris, and I do not want all of this the be overshadowed by barf.

Pregnancy. Fun stuff.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Giving Thanks

Dear Baby,

Today is your first Thanksgiving. Or maybe it is your -1 Thanksgiving. Nevertheless, we will both be eating well today. I can only imagine that your Opa's stuffing will be one of your favorite foods, just like it is one of mine.

Today, and everyday, I am very thankful that you are here. I am looking forward to you getting bigger, to seeing you in an ultrasound, to hearing your little heart beating. I can't wait to feel you move and to share that with your daddy. But wait I will. It will all be worth it, I know. You need to take your time growing all of your important parts.

This time next year, although you won't be big enough to enjoy the food, you'll be celebrating with us. I know you'll love it!

Love, Mommy

Wednesday, November 24, 2010



Seven weeks today! That's starting to sound like a reasonable length of pregnancy. I don't know why, but for some reason, saying I'm four or five weeks pregnant sounds ridiculous, but seven is getting to a place where it makes sense.

Anyway, tomorrow is Thanksgiving, my very favorite of the holidays. As a non-religious person, it's nice to celebrate a holiday that wasn't originally a churchy thang. I like Christmas as much as the next girl, but often all the Jesus talk will make me uncomfortable. And of course, religious people do bring their faith into Thanksgiving, and thank God for the bounteous meal, I suppose, but really, God doesn't have to have a thing to do with it, if you don't want, and that is nice for me and my family. Also, Thanksgiving is on or near my birthday and I like things associated with my birthday. And it's all about food. What could be bad about that?

I'm a little worried about actually making it to the festivities this year. There is still snow (and ice!) on the ground, and it's expected to snow again tomorrow. And my parents live on the tippy-top of a big tall hill. Whatever. Pregnant or not, I will walk up the hill if the alternative is no stuffing.

I might wear the maternity leggings my mother in law got me tomorrow under my dress if they will stay up. Obviously, I don't need the yet, but waistbands have been driving me crazy lately, and I can imagine that will only be made worse when I am stuffing myself full of food. We'll see.

So happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I have a lot to be thankful for right now, and I hope you all do, too.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


Today is my 25th birthday. To be honest, I don't get very worked up about my birthday. The last time I had a party was when I turned 21. According to our original plans, baby-making wasn't going to start in earnest until at least this coming January, and so I wanted to go out with a bang, so to speak, and throw myself a big bash for my last birthday before babies. But here is my 25th birthday and I am pregnant. And I am so glad. Really, I kind of hate birthday parties to begin with. They are fine to attend, yes, but the organizing and cooking and baking and hostessing I could really live without. Someone could throw me a birthday party and that would be wonderful, but like hell am I doing it for myself.

Today was also supposed to be my very first prenatal appointment with the midwives at the birth center Kyle and I visited a couple weeks ago. But with the snow, no such luck. They called me this morning to reschedule, which was fine, because I was about to call them for the same reason. But it is kind of disappointing. I was looking forward to this, and all the other things that make this pregnancy feel more real. I haven't even confirmed that I am in fact pregnant with an actual medical professional. Just my two home pregnancy tests and a host of symptoms. I don't really feel like I need to, but... I don't know. I just want to get going on everything, and the snow is getting in the way.

Otherwise, though, my birthday has been wonderful. Kyle made me breakfast this morning, even thought the waffles were only of the frozen variety it was still sweet, especially since he got up hours before he would otherwise to feed hungry wife and embryo. Yesterday I got a package in the mail from my mother-in-law. We said we weren't doing birthday or Christmas gifts this year with his family, but she sent me one anyway. Maternity clothes. A little premature, of course, but also completely thoughtful and adorable. I'm glad she's as excited about this as I am. And the stuff she picked out is completely my style. It will be nice to have around, I imagine, when all of the sudden nothing fits and I haven't had a chance to really shop for my new wardrobe.

That's it, I guess, for all this birthday business. This post was supposed to be a lot more exciting, what with the appointment business, but acts of god, you know. I will say that twenty four was pretty much the best year so far. My biggest wish of the last five or so years finally came true. And I have it on good authority that twenty five will be even better.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Picture It

I wasn't planning on posting anything today. Everything exciting is happening tomorrow anyway. But I'm off of work and it's snowing out, which in Seattle basically means the apocalypse, and it just feels like a very bloggy kind of day to me. So blog I will. I guess.

My latest project is family photos. I've mentioned before how important family photos are too me. Being pregnant really makes me want to surround myself with all of these beautiful pictures of my childhood and of my parents when they were young and unencumbered with parenthood and of both of my grandmothers, whose memories are fading.

My parents on their wedding day in 1979.

My dad spent ton of time, when I was young, carefully picking out the best of the pictures he took, and artfully arranging them in big fancy albums. Not the cheap kind with sleeves for the photos, but the full sticky page with protective cover variety. There are probably twenty of them, mostly documenting from the early '80s on, but a couple with the earlier stuff.

These pictures aren't super accessible to me anymore, now that I am no longer living in my parents house. In the age of the internet you kind of expect everything to be at your fingertips with the click of a button. And I worry about their fragility, printed decades ago, degrading every day. Someday they will be lost forever.

Baby Astrid with parents visiting family in Toronto.

So, in conjunction with Kyle and I not having a lot of extra cash right now, for my Christmas gift to my parents I am painstakingly scanning all of our family photos, and uploading them all to a specially created Flickr account, so we can have them with us forever.  It's slow going. It certainly won't be done by Christmas, especially considering that after we finish with the physical albums there are disc upon disc of unorganized digital photos.  I'm in over my head, I know, but time is taking its toll, and some pictures are in bad shape already. So this is my project, for probably the next 20 years.

Friday, November 19, 2010


Hi blog! Here's Wednesday's six week picture for you:

Notice the sweatpants. (Actually, they are what I like to call sweaterpants, but they fill the same fashion niche.) I am not the kind of girl who wears sweatpants. Like, ever. Certainly not out of the house, and definitely not to take pictures in. So, this is how tired I am. So tired that I would take this picture in sweatpants (that I am only wearing because I thought it would be inappropriate to be wearing only underwears), with no makeup on, and post it on my blog for all to see.

Still no noticeable change, but you know, posterity, or something.

I had another pregnancy milestone (!) today. I for real barfed for this first time. Instead of all the gagging and dry heaving I have been doing. Exciting, I know. And I imagine this all has to get worse before it starts getting better. At least I'm pretty sure that the end result will make it all worth it.

Okay, I am definitely too tired to think of anything else to post.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Now we are Six.

Six weeks today. Time is starting to pass at a more regular pace. I took another "belly" shot this evening, but I have no desire to get out of bed and get the camera and cords and what have you to post it, but it will be here eventually.

I've been spending a lot of time in bed. The other day when I was apparently looking extra pathetic, Kyle suggested I take the laptop to bed with me, and here in the  bedroom it has remained. And so have I. I'm not feeling completely wretched. The morning sickness is getting progressively stronger, but I still have managed to avoid actually barfing thus far, so I think we can count that as a victory. It seems to be much easier when I am allowed to sleep in, and don't have to get up at the behest of my alarm clock.

Speaking of sleeping, I don't want to do much else. I've never been a morning person, and getting out of bed has often been a struggle for me, but I'm usually pretty good at facing the day when there are places (work) I have to be. Getting out of bed hasn't been this hard since I was a teenager, battling serious depression. Or maybe it's worse; it's hard to remember through the fog of the years.

Yesterday was my day off from work, and, I'm embarrassed to admit, I spent a good majority of it in bed. I got up a few times, to brush my teeth and take my prenatal, so fix myself a snack plate (that I could nosh on from bed, of course), and to do a single load of laundry, lest I have no clean underwear for work today. And I feel embarrassed about this, and I feel bad that my house is a mess and there are dishes to be done, and that I didn't even manage to fold that load of laundry, but I was feeling good and didn't want to, ahem, over exert myself and lose that feeling.

My work days are hard too. I manage to hold myself together okay while I'm there, because I have to, but it takes a lot of energy to think and stand and wear pants and to just be and when I get home I just collapse, often literally.

I hope this lifts soon. I wonder often if maybe it's all in my head, if maybe it's not really that bad--I know there are pregnant women that have it worse than me, women who are actually vomiting, perhaps, women who already have children that they have to chase around, tired or not, yet all I can to is fall into be at 3 'o clock in the afternoon.

It will be all right, I suppose. I should try not to feel too bad about how pathetic I've become. I supposed I'd rather err on the side of caution anyway.I do, though, hope I get my sea legs somewhere in the next couple of weeks, because I truly do not want to sleep away my France trip and my sister time. I miss her desperately. More so now also because she is somebody's auntie.

Saturday, November 13, 2010


I don't know if that's what it is, or if it's just normal Astrid-crazy, but this evening I read something about eggs and then I REALLY wanted eggs and couldn't get eggs out of my head. Eggs and avocado, actually. We went to Denny's where they were out of avocado, but omigosh my eggs were so good. Funny thing so far with pregnancy, when I get really hungry food tastes SO SO SO good. Like I didn't know food could taste that good. Especially not food from Denny's. I ate an entire Grand Slam, clean plate, which is unheard of for me, and Kyle was duly impressed. I don't think he's ever seen me eat so much or so fast.

I know it's still quite early for me to be putting on weight or anything, and I'm trying to listen to my body and not eat a lot just because I have the excuse of being pregnant, but tonight I was really and truly hungry, and goddamn was my dinner good.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Another week.

We hit five weeks yesterday. Obligatory picture:

Not much has changed since last week. Boobs might be a little bigger, but I think that's just my imagination. I'm so excited to watch my body change, so it been hard waiting.  Soon, I guess.

Today Kyle and I went to check out a birth center and meet one of the midwives there. Even though it was just a consultation, and not even a real appointment, it makes everything feel more real, and so of course I was super nervous.

We liked the center pretty well, though. We'll probably end up going there. Kyle is now on board with the whole natural childbirth thing, since he has now read some papers or studies or something and realizes that midwifery is ideal for low risk patients like us. So we're on the same page now and that is good. I liked the midwife we talked to. I didn't feel entirely comfortable there, but I think that was more nerves than anything else. It's a little far away. It took us half an hour to get there with no traffic, but I think it will do. I need to think about it. And you know, get used to the idea that I actually have to birth this baby. And that there in fact is a baby in there.

I've mostly accepted that yes, I am pregnant, but every once in a while it creeps up on me and surprises me. It doesn't help that it's far too early for me to be showing or feel any movement and that we haven't even heard a heartbeat yet, so really I'm just going off of sore boobs and a pee stick, and that doesn't always inspire confidence.

The pregnancy fatigue is starting to pick up, I think. I've been taking a lot of naps. In fact, I'm curled up in bed with my laptop right now, and after I hit publish, I'll probably snooze for a bit and then eat the rest of my burrito from lunch. Sleep and eat. That is my life now. Kind of nice.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

This is hard.

Pregnancy glow my ass. It's acne-palooza here at chez Astrid. Seriously uncool. I need help looking like I'm old enough to be a mother as it is. This is not helping. I'm pretty sure there is a pimple inside my nostril. What?

This is hard. Today I have done very little other than eat and sleep. I have done a lot of both of those things. And I guess that makes sense, because hello! I am growing a person here. Hard work. I went to bed at 8:30 last night. And this morning I had breakfast before a quick meeting at work. And then BFF and I had brunch. And then I took a nap. And then Kyle made me whatever kind of meal it is that you eat at 3:15pm. So far so good.

Today is also exactly one week since my positive pregnancy test. I know that this isn't an anniversary worth celebrating, but holy cow, this has been the longest week of my life. Time is definitely slower now than it ever has been when I've been waiting to take a test. Which as we all know is impossible. I'm not impatient to meet baby or anything, because for one, baby is right here, and secondly I'd rather it have a chance to grow all of it's limbs and organs and stuff before it has to come out, but I'm thinking about how much longer it is until I'm "allowed" to start talking about it, and until I can get an ultrasound and see tiny baby pictures and hear tiny baby heartbeat, and until we can find out the sex and I can turn into a baby shopping maniac, because you better believe I will. I've already told everyone that I can rightfully tell without fully losing control of the news, and there is already a healthy risk that someone will blow it for me. That might be a relief.

Friday, November 5, 2010


So I got my first baby gift today! This is of course, ridiculous, but also amazing. Boss-lady called me into the office because she needed to talk to me. And then she made me close my eyes. And then, finger puppets! She told me that she felt like her reaction yesterday was not good enough. This is blatantly false, but I think she feels like she was in too much shock to be appropriately squee-happy. So, when she saw these in the the drug store today she picked them up for me. It's a little thing, but it totally brightened my day.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Hot mama, and other things.

Daddy and me.

So during this pregnancy, and all subsequent childrearing, I am planning on taking roughly a bazillionty pictures. During my childhood, my dad was really wonderful at photo documenting pretty much everything that ever happened. He would spend tons of time selecting pictures and organizing photo albums, and I love looking back at them. My favorites are the everyday stuff, not the pressed and clean school picture kind of BS.

Four Weeks
Anyway, I have officially started my pregnancy photo-capturing. This is my first "belly" shot, I guess, although there is no belly to speak of yet, but I want it to compare in future weeks and month, and I'll probably, years down the line, be amazed that I ever looked like that, but you know. This is from yesterday, four weeks exactly, if I am right about when I ovulated. I wish (for maybe the first time since high school) that I had any idea how much I weigh right now, but I don't really do that stuff. Kyle has a scale, but it is one of those fancy ones that calculates your BMI and body fat percentage or something bizarre like that, and I find it a little intimidating. Perhaps I should have him teach me to use it, though, because I'm pretty sure you're supposed to at least keep track of your weight during pregnancy.

You know, if you asked me a month ago, I would have said that I felt super well-informed about pregnancy, but now that I actually am, well, pregnant, I feel somewhat confused and helpless and shit was I not supposed to get my steak cooked medium rare last night WTF am I going to do now? The whole birthing a human being out of my vagina-thing doesn't freak me out at all (but that might be because it's far enough away that I don't have to worry about it yet), but the daily what I'm supposed to eat am I drinking enough water, am I supposed to be lifting this mannequin, how much does this stupid thing weigh anyway is making me nuts. Adjusting to a new normal is proving to be more difficult than I expected.

I told my boss today. My mother is horrified that I would even consider telling her so early, but I really felt for some reason like I needed to so I did.  You would have thought I had told her she won the lottery she was so happy and excited. It was nice to be able to announce it to someone for whom it was actually a surprise, since my family for the most part knew it was in the works, and while they're all super excited, no one was even close to shocked. Anyway, boss-lady is awesome, and basically told me that I am to do whatever it is I feel like I need to do to have the most awesome pregnancy ever, which is better than anything I could have possibly expected.

A couple weeks in, and everything is going super well.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Four Weeks

Dear Baby,

Today we are officially four weeks pregnant. Or perhaps not officially, since I haven't been to see a doctor or midwife yet, but I know you're in there. Some women don't even know they are pregnant this early, but I had a feeling you were around last week even.  I'm really glad that I get that extra week of knowing you. According to the books, you are only the size of a poppy seed, but you are certainly making yourself heard. I've been starting to feel sick, but so far it's not so bad.

I think that the kitties are starting to sense that something's up. They are all following me around and staying very close. Even the bunny kitty, who normally doesn't really like me, or people in general. When we took a nap with Daddy today, she curled up on my back. I'm really excited to see how the kitties react to you when you finally arrive.

That's all I have for now. See you in 36 weeks!

Love, Mom

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

253 days to go!

This is very strange for me. On the one hand, I knew I was pregnant a week ago. Knew it. I'm used to the idea and I am ready for this and I. Am. Pregnant. But on the other hand, it still hasn't sunk in all the way what this fully means. 

I thought I would jump in and tell everyone in the universe as soon as I knew, and don't get me wrong, it's hard to keep mum, but right now I'm enjoying the quiet of just knowing and sharing this secret with myself and my husband without being bombarded by everyone I know.

Because let me tell you, this is going to be a big freaking deal. Our baby will be the first great grandchild on my mom's side of my family, and the first on both sides of Kyle's. And his family is huge and gregarious. I don't know a single person that I went to high school with who is married, let alone pregnant. Basically, this news is going to rock the world for a lot of people. And that's kind of scary. 

Right now my goal is to make it to Thanksgiving, because that seems like a reasonable time to tell everyone, with them all gathered together anyway. But it's entirely possible I'll give up within a week. How long did you wait?

Mild morning sickness started to kick in today. And I have just discovered that writing about morning sickness makes it worse, okay. It's unpleasant, yes, but it's also this reminder that someone is there, making him or herself comfortable. (Have I mentioned that I am approximately 200% sure I'm having a boy? Yeah, couldn't tell you why, though.) I've starting talking to or sometimes just thinking at my little blastocyst already. This is clearly ridiculous, but I can't help it. I will probably start some sort of "dear baby" series a la Stephanie, because I've loved reading her letters to Jasper, and I want to have that for my baby as well. That and a trillionty pictures of everything. Tomorrow I am officially four weeks, so I guess I will start then with my first belly picture, mostly for comparison in the future.

I'm just so excited.

Monday, November 1, 2010


So, wow.

I started with a negative test on Saturday, but I wasn't super bummed out because I was pretty sure that I was in fact pregnant, and it was just too early to tell at only 10 days post ovulation. And I was right. I got that super faint pink line yesterday. Kyle didn't really believe me that it counted. I told him that any line, no matter how faint means I am pregnant, but he seemed to think that I was saying that out of wishful thinking. But the digital test this morning is loud and clear.

I'm pregnant. Pregnant. I'm so happy and my body is positively humming with excitement and I don't want to work or sleep or talk about anything else. At the same time, it all feels very casual and comfortable to me. I am almost positive that I felt implantation as it happened, and when my breasts started hurting I knew. And even when I got that negative test I still knew. So when I did get the positive it was almost old news. Almost. Clearly, I am thrilled, but I also feel very calm and prepared, even though I know I can't possibly be. I'm just so ready. I have had so long to think about this, and honestly I'm not really scared or nervous. Just excited. It's wonderful.

How in the world are you supposed to keep this a secret? I'm doing okay so far. I've told my sister and both my parents, and Kyle called his mother today. But I feel like that's pretty standard. I'm going to tell BFF as soon as we can get a lunch date scheduled, but if that doesn't work out in the next week or so the phone might have to suffice. I'm trying to wait until Thanksgiving to let the cat out of the bag but who knows. My dad said his money is on everyone knowing within a week. Oh well. It might be nice, because it was so hard not to say anything today at work. I wanted to respond to all the "how was your weekend?" with "ONLY THE BEST OF MY LIFE" (in all caps like that, you know), but then clearly they would ask why and where would we be then? I'll likely tell my boss as soon as I have symptoms which might start interfering with work, though. We'll see.

According to my calculations I am 3 weeks and 5 days pregnant. 36 weeks and 2 days to go! And I thought waiting for ovulation was hard... I can't wait to start seeing changes and I can't wait at all to start feeling my baby and talking to it, because I will all the time I know, and just wow. Wow.

That's all for now.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Can you see it?

I'm pretty sure it's there! :)

Friday, October 29, 2010

The Waiting Game

I can't make coherent posts when i am distracted by the possibility of pregnancy, apparently.

I've been obsessing over The Preconceptionist's list of early pregnancy symptoms. Maybe my mild constipation these days is related? Every little wave of queasiness I wonder if it's because I am pregnant, or its just the regular waves of queasiness I get anyway, and have been getting for the last ten years. And then I think that if its not worse than normal then there's no way I could be pregnant, and if I was I'd be cowering over the toilet bowl. I am psyching myself out. But I still have exceedingly tender breasts, and the nausea is there, even if it is all too familiar.

I'm not even really sure what I want to turn up on my imminent pregnancy test. All of the negatives I've received so far have be disappointing, but I was always pretty sure that I wasn't pregnant, so I never really had to face the reality of what those two pink lines really mean. But now that I am more sure than not, I am kind of terrified of that positive. Don't get me wrong, I want this, but it's scary to me that if I am in fact pregnant, there's no backing out now.  We can't decide to wait another month or year or three. And that somehow at the end of many month of discomfort that I signed myself up for I have to remove a human being through my body via my vagina, holy crap, am I really ready for this? Well, it may be too late. And that's okay. But frightening, none the less.

On Wednesday night, as my mom an I were eating enchiladas, as we do after yoga class every week, I told her that I think that this time might really be it.  I realized I don't really know much about how my sister or I were born, so we talked. Mom said that she knew right away with both pregnancies. She delivered us both without medication, so that's a relief to hear, but she ended up with an episiotomy with my sister. (P.S. Chrome does not recognize episiotomy as a word.) Her labors were both very short, with mine lasting about twelve hours from waters breaking to delivery, and my sister's was even shorter. My sister breastfed easily, but I was lactose intolerant, so she pumped and added lactaid to her breastmilk for me.  We were both weaned to formula after her three month maternity leave, but this was 25 years ago, when pumping at work just wasn't an option for my career minded mother.

Hearing all of this makes me feel really confident about my own pregnancy and birth, whether that comes now, or further off in the future. I am really lucky to be so close to her and to have her nearby to go through all of this with me when and if I do find myself pregnant.

I am also looking forward to sharing pregnancy with my mother in law. I know she is itching for grandkids. She won't come out and say it, of course, because she's much too polite for that, but the hints have been coming hard. Kyle's parents just put an offer on a house, and she mentioned to me in an email that she is excited to move because she can imagine playing with her grandchildren in her (hopefully) new neighborhood. Sigh. At least I know that when the time comes my news will be good news.

All right, that's all I've got for tonight. Think pregnant thoughts for me. I think.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

This post is going to be all over the place.

I really think I might be pregnant this time.

I told myself I wouldn't do this. I sad that I was going to wait out my two weeks with out going on about this and over analyzing every hint of a symptom, but I can't hold out any longer. Every other time that I have been in this place, I have been creating symptoms out of thin air, feeling them for just a second and wishing and hoping that they would come back and totally doubting that anything was really happening, but I couldn't let go of the thought that maybe... possibly...

I'm still doubting right now. Fertility friend suggests that I ovulated only last Friday, which would make this a little early for me to be experiencing pregnancy symptoms, but I'm pretty sure that one last low temp was a weird fluke, and that I actually ovulated two days earlier, since that's what would me the most sense considering my cervical fluid, and maybe I am making too much of it, but I had some slight cramping that day that could have been ovulation pain. As it is, if I did indeed ovulate on Wednesday the 20th like I suppose, it was just after I actually managed to have sex. And if that is in fact true, I could expect implantation to occur perhaps a week later, and what do you know but I had some slight cramping Tuesday afternoon.

The idea that I might be feeling implantation did occur to me, as I was sitting there on the toilet at work on my lunch break, but I shrugged it aside, because, as I said, I'm trying very hard not to obsess. But oh, that night. My boobs felt so sore. So much so that when I again was trying to ahem, get down with my hubby I was too distracted to... you know. And they haven't stopped feeling sore since.

I've felt every pregnancy symptom in the book these past few months, but they've all been temporary and fleeting and quite possibly figments of my imagination. But this is real. And oh my god last night when I was getting ready for bed and walked down the stairs without a bra on. Holy hell. I probably look like some freaky perv because I keep touching them to make sure that soreness is still there.

I also told myself that I wouldn't bother Kyle with my neurosis, and that I would let him know if and when I ended up with a positive pregnancy test. But I couldn't help it. I told him last night that I think I might be. Of course, he isn't really interested in discussing the finer details until I'm actually sure, but oh well. And thus, this post, because I have to get this out of my system.

When can I just take a goddamned test? In theory shouldn't it work as soon as I feel symptoms. I don't know. I'm only at the most 8 days post ovulation. Bleck. If I am pregnant, I better get used to waiting. 40 weeks is a long time.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

My Stupid Cycle

This is driving me nuts. Here's my chart for my last complete cycle:

My waking times are typically all over the place, and as you can see, so are my temperatures. Also, Fertility Friend is whack, because I'm pretty sure that I actually ovulated somewhere between cycle days 19 and 22, and that my luteal phase isn't 19 days long,  but who knows. (Please ignore the pathetic frequency with which I actually manage to have sex.)

Anyway, in an effort to understand what the hell is going on here, this go round I'm waking up at the same goddamned time every day (4:45 and it suck when it's unecessary, let me tell you) so that I can get an accurate look at things. Here's what I've got so far:

It looks better, I guess. I had some pretty intense cramping on the 17th, which I'm guessing was ovulation pain, but who the fuck knows at this point. Also, what the hell is going on with my cervical fluid. I thought charting was supposed to  help me, but honestly, I don't have a clue what's going on. I really wish I could get pregnant already so I could stop worrying about this shit, but now I'm wondering if the reason my charts are so bizarre is because I have underlying fertility problems. Wouldn't that be just awesome.

I have a couple ovulation predictor kits that BFF gave me because she had them for who knows why and didn't need them, so I think I might use them next cycle, not to help achieve pregnancy, necessarily, but really just to make sure that I am in fact ovulating, and when.

I really hate this shit. Sorry for the TMI.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Sorry, blog!

Hey friends in my computer. I'm sorry I haven't been attending to your care and feeding. I hope you're still alive in there!

Yeah, so it's been a bit since I've posted. I'm sorry about that, truly. Recently my husband posted this video on his facebook, and it's been making me think. I wanted to share it with you, but I also wanted to add my own thoughts, and I was having a hard time figuring out how to word them. (I know that 20 minutes is a lot of time to ask of a casual blog reader, but I promise this video is super worth it.)

The problems with our education system has been an issue that's long been very important to me. Up until recently, it's been from my perspective as a student. I failed out of high school. And it's not because I'm not intelligent. Because no one would suggest that. In fact, most people assume I did very well in school based on their interactions with me. But I didn't. I am one of those people that schools fail because I don't fit into their mold. I dropped out of college for somewhat of the same reason. I wasn't happy sitting in a chair all day listening to someone blather on about something. I wasn't learning, I was spending the required amount of time sitting in a lecture hall that some administrative professional deemed necessary for me to be educated. But really, most of my real education has happened on my own time, and on my own terms. I love learning, but I hate school.

When I was nineteen I ran for school board in Seattle. (Please do not Google this, because this was a time of a very unfortunate haircut.) There were three different school board races going on at the time (two candidates in each district), but the newspapers lumped all six of us together when discussing the issues. I was the only one who had any interest in challenging the status quo of the school district and the systems in place, while they were all squabbling about petty issues to distract everyone from the real problems.

I had a campaign fund of forty dollars and I was facing a candidate that was backed by a $15,000 political action committee. Needless to say, I didn't win. In fact, the news reported a "landslide" victory for my opponent when he won with 66% of the vote. I, however, think it was pretty amazing that simply based on my voters pamphlet statement (because like hell did I do any advertising) that I was able to garner so many votes. I was blown away. And I can promise you it was because I was actually saying something different. And it truly resounded with an amazingly large amount of people.

Anyway, I've now started thinking about education not just from my experience as a student, but also from the perspective of a future parent. Yes, I realize that I am many years away from having to deal with my children's entrance into the public education system, but still, its something that I think about. Actually, it's something that scares me. Neither Kyle or I did exceptionally well at school. We both succeeded because we are very smart, and that allowed us to get around the fact that the system wasn't made for people like us. But I'm worried that our children will also be people like us, and that possibly they won't be so lucky.

I don't know what the answer is. Oftentimes that scares me. Radical change, especially on the scale of something as big as the public education system is monumental. I don't even know where do start. But I do know from my experience as a school board candidate years ago that people are ready and open to change.

Friday, October 8, 2010


Maybe this is silly, but my cats make me want to have babies. I mean, clearly, I want to have babies anyway, but ...

This morning the bunny cat, who normally doesn't even like me that much was mewing and beeping and jumped up into bed and cuddled and nuzzled and generally loved me and it was amazing. And all I could think about was how much more amazing it will be when I have a baby in bed with me, cuddling and nuzzling and generally loving me.

Sometimes Kyle will baby-talk to the kitties, cradling them in his arms, and all I can do is picture him cradling a baby, and that image of big burly manly man holding a teeny tiny baby is just irresistible.

This has probably nothing to do with my cats in particular, and has more to do with my ability to relate anything and everything in my life back to babies. Every nap I take I imagine taking it with a baby asleep on my chest. I see everything through the eyes of my future toddler, from butterflies to bus rides. Work kills me. Merchandising baby clothing for a living means that every mannequin I dress I am creating outfits for my child.

I need a life. Or a baby.

Monday, October 4, 2010

I spoke too soon.

Immediately after my last post my period showed up. (As an aside, I so cannot get on board with this whole "Aunt Flo" euphemism.) So now I am crampy and cranky and still nauseous. And I have headache, but that's not likely related. I am happy that I am back to knowing what is going on again, but I am less than thrilled to start another round of the waiting game. I'd like to get this show on the road, and start waiting for new and exciting things, like midwife appointments and heartbeats and you know, a real, live baby. But right now we're in a holding pattern of waiting for ovulation, waiting for period. I'm bored.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Okay then

So, according to Fertility Friend today is cycle day 32. Also according to Fertility Friend, today is 19 days past ovulation. But according to Clear Blue Easy, I am not pregnant.

Considering my erratic waking times, and therefor erratic waking temperatures, the simplest explanation is that Fertility Friend mis-estimated my ovulation date, and it happened around five days later than my chart shows. If this is the case, then I'm still 14 DPO, which means my period still should be here by now, and I'm not even feeling any normal premenstrual symptoms yet. If that it the case it also means that I had sex the day preceding ovulation, which means WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHATS GOING ON ANYMORE.

My negative test was actually a couple days ago, so I could in fact be pregnant, just with a later conception date than originally thought, and have I mentioned lately that I hate this whole process.

I need to go purchase some more pregnancy tests. Ick.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


This is probably too sappy and gushy for anyone to enjoy reading, but I need to put it somewhere.

I am really happy.

It's kind of amazing.  And it's a wonderful background happy. A nothing particularly awesome happened today, but I still feel great, kind of happy. A work is totally stressful and I have to work overtime and I barely get to see my husband and my house is a certified disaster zone but I still can't stop smiling kind of happy. Happy.

Happiness that doesn't depend on things going my way (or at least not terribly wrong) is kind of new for me. I have a tendency to let the day to day bullshit stress me out and take over. I tend to take my work drama home with me, and let it consume my thoughts and often times my conversations with Kyle. Little things like dust bunnies and dirty laundry in my environment can create a huge black cloud over my day.  I usually have many happy instances, but the overall background mood is morose, or at least apathetic.  But lately, even though things have been average at best, I am feeling freaking amazing.

It totally doesn't matter when my boss's chronic health issues cause her to have a nervous breakdown at work. I take charge and do what I need to do to keep things moving. And it doesn't matter that I spent over two hours stuck in traffic today. I just turn up the volume and rock out to Todd Rundgren and the Backstreet Boys while other drivers laugh at me.

Also, I am super in love with Kyle. Always, but especially lately. We aren't seeing a lot of each other these days because we both have tons of work commitments, but he has been super sweet. He doesn't make a lot of grand gestures, but the little everyday things he does totally make me swoon. Like making me dinner and leaving it in the fridge for me even though he won't be home to eat it.

This is probably ridiculous, but at least once every day he'll do something sweet, or say something nice, or even just send me a MMS of the bunny cat hiding inside a paper grocery bag, and I'll think to myself, "I really should marry him." And then I remember that we are married and it makes me so happy.

In other news, it's 14 DPO, and there are no signs of impending period. No pregnancy symptoms either, except for morning nausea, but that's been a constant for me since I was a teenager. But maybe... just maybe... even though we didn't have a lot of success with the "trying" this go 'round.... maybe? We could be one of those cautionary tales for middle school sex education about why pulling out is ineffective birth control. We'll see.

Friday, September 24, 2010


Annika and I at my engagement party
So, advance apologies for this way too long post with far too many photos, but this is highly necessary. My baby sister and my best friend, Annika, moved to France on Tuesday. Yes, you heard me right, France. She graduated this spring with a degree in French and International Studies, and she has a job now in Angers, the same city she lived in for study abroad two years ago.

I miss her already. Even though we haven't even lived in the same state for four years now, and even though we've done this before when she was doing her study abroad, this is just tough. She's really moved there. She bought a one way plane ticket! I talked to her this morning on Skype and she already has an apartment. My baby sister is all grown up.


According to my mother, I was not super happy about getting a sister in the first place. I once told her that if Annika had never been born, I would have gotten all the attention.

On our way to summer camp

We didn't always get along super well, especially in our teen years. If our lives had been a bad teen movie I would have been the outcast freak and she would have been the popular goody two shoes. We clashed a lot, but every once in a while when we let our guards down we would have a really good time together. It was just a taste of what was to come.

Once I left home for college things got so much better. We got over the boxes we had put ourselves into, and got to know each other as adults. She became my very best friend. We are very different, yet so alike. I think that though we have different skills and interests, our brains are wired in the same (very strange) way. We really get each other. Most of the time when we hang out we finish each other's sentences and then end up tangled up together on the floor laughing, with no idea how we got there.

At my wedding

We have chosen very different paths in life. I am a college drop out. I married young and I am trying to get knocked up and start my family. My sister is very driven. She graduated from college (where she had an academic scholarship) as a member of an honor society with a double major. She wants to have an important successful career. She is moving to freaking France! She plans to get married and have a family, but someday, in the distant future. Even though we're doing different things, we're very supportive of each other. She is really excited to be an aunt someday soon.

Dressed up for a Todd Rundgren concert

In Disneyland this past spring

I will miss being able to call her whenever I want, or being able to take a weekend to pay her a visit. But I'm so excited for her to have this opportunity. And fortunately, for Christmas this year, my parents are taking Kyle and I to France to visit her for a week. I can't wait to see her in her element. 

In a Eugene bar, celebrating her college graduation

To bring this back to my blogging purpose, my sister is the reason why I am definitely going to have more than one child. I can't imagine my life without her, and knowing the wonderful experience I've shared with her, I truly believe that the best gift I could give my child is a sibling. I know that my kids may not end up best friends like Annika and I, but I want to give them the opportunity to have someone like her. She understands me in a way that no one else I have ever met, and in a way I don't think anyone else ever could. Amazing.

With our friends (and a drag queen!) at her going away party last week

Sunday, September 19, 2010


When I think of my family I still mostly tend to think of my parents and my sister. The people that have always been my family. My family, where I didn't have a choice in the matter. I love my blood family. They are odd in the same ways I am. We understand each other. We have a great time together, in ways I've never experienced with anyone else.

I've been married for over two years now, and I'm only really beginning to think of Kyle as my primary family. It helps now, that we've eschewed roommates, and live just the two of us (well, five, if you count the cats). And I guess I've been thinking more lately about the family we will build together. It still feels weird to me, though, to have family that I chose. My parents have always been my parents. My sister just showed up without me having much say in the matter. Kyle, I picked out. I fought for this, really. We found each other from across a continent, and we've made it through cross-country moves, and break-ups. That has not been what family meant to me. But I'm finally getting used to this new definition.

Things have been tough for my family lately. Money has been tight, with Kyle's new job situation and the cat needing surgery unexpectedly. The nice thing, though, is that money woes seem to bring us closer together. We had a problem this past week with my paycheck going through. And a student loan payment that Kyle remembered at the last minute leaves us with about fifty cents in the checking account until my check clears. But somehow, paying for gas ant toilet paper with the roll of quarters we had set aside for laundry, and watching an illegally downloaded copy of The Last Starfighter was the perfect way to spend my Saturday night. It didn't hurt that Kyle surprised me with Chicken Parmesan when I got home from work.

This weekend I have confirmed that I really did pick the right family for myself, and that we'll grow it, eventually, and when we do, everything will be okay.


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