Wednesday, September 29, 2010


This is probably too sappy and gushy for anyone to enjoy reading, but I need to put it somewhere.

I am really happy.

It's kind of amazing.  And it's a wonderful background happy. A nothing particularly awesome happened today, but I still feel great, kind of happy. A work is totally stressful and I have to work overtime and I barely get to see my husband and my house is a certified disaster zone but I still can't stop smiling kind of happy. Happy.

Happiness that doesn't depend on things going my way (or at least not terribly wrong) is kind of new for me. I have a tendency to let the day to day bullshit stress me out and take over. I tend to take my work drama home with me, and let it consume my thoughts and often times my conversations with Kyle. Little things like dust bunnies and dirty laundry in my environment can create a huge black cloud over my day.  I usually have many happy instances, but the overall background mood is morose, or at least apathetic.  But lately, even though things have been average at best, I am feeling freaking amazing.

It totally doesn't matter when my boss's chronic health issues cause her to have a nervous breakdown at work. I take charge and do what I need to do to keep things moving. And it doesn't matter that I spent over two hours stuck in traffic today. I just turn up the volume and rock out to Todd Rundgren and the Backstreet Boys while other drivers laugh at me.

Also, I am super in love with Kyle. Always, but especially lately. We aren't seeing a lot of each other these days because we both have tons of work commitments, but he has been super sweet. He doesn't make a lot of grand gestures, but the little everyday things he does totally make me swoon. Like making me dinner and leaving it in the fridge for me even though he won't be home to eat it.

This is probably ridiculous, but at least once every day he'll do something sweet, or say something nice, or even just send me a MMS of the bunny cat hiding inside a paper grocery bag, and I'll think to myself, "I really should marry him." And then I remember that we are married and it makes me so happy.

In other news, it's 14 DPO, and there are no signs of impending period. No pregnancy symptoms either, except for morning nausea, but that's been a constant for me since I was a teenager. But maybe... just maybe... even though we didn't have a lot of success with the "trying" this go 'round.... maybe? We could be one of those cautionary tales for middle school sex education about why pulling out is ineffective birth control. We'll see.

Friday, September 24, 2010


Annika and I at my engagement party
So, advance apologies for this way too long post with far too many photos, but this is highly necessary. My baby sister and my best friend, Annika, moved to France on Tuesday. Yes, you heard me right, France. She graduated this spring with a degree in French and International Studies, and she has a job now in Angers, the same city she lived in for study abroad two years ago.

I miss her already. Even though we haven't even lived in the same state for four years now, and even though we've done this before when she was doing her study abroad, this is just tough. She's really moved there. She bought a one way plane ticket! I talked to her this morning on Skype and she already has an apartment. My baby sister is all grown up.


According to my mother, I was not super happy about getting a sister in the first place. I once told her that if Annika had never been born, I would have gotten all the attention.

On our way to summer camp

We didn't always get along super well, especially in our teen years. If our lives had been a bad teen movie I would have been the outcast freak and she would have been the popular goody two shoes. We clashed a lot, but every once in a while when we let our guards down we would have a really good time together. It was just a taste of what was to come.

Once I left home for college things got so much better. We got over the boxes we had put ourselves into, and got to know each other as adults. She became my very best friend. We are very different, yet so alike. I think that though we have different skills and interests, our brains are wired in the same (very strange) way. We really get each other. Most of the time when we hang out we finish each other's sentences and then end up tangled up together on the floor laughing, with no idea how we got there.

At my wedding

We have chosen very different paths in life. I am a college drop out. I married young and I am trying to get knocked up and start my family. My sister is very driven. She graduated from college (where she had an academic scholarship) as a member of an honor society with a double major. She wants to have an important successful career. She is moving to freaking France! She plans to get married and have a family, but someday, in the distant future. Even though we're doing different things, we're very supportive of each other. She is really excited to be an aunt someday soon.

Dressed up for a Todd Rundgren concert

In Disneyland this past spring

I will miss being able to call her whenever I want, or being able to take a weekend to pay her a visit. But I'm so excited for her to have this opportunity. And fortunately, for Christmas this year, my parents are taking Kyle and I to France to visit her for a week. I can't wait to see her in her element. 

In a Eugene bar, celebrating her college graduation

To bring this back to my blogging purpose, my sister is the reason why I am definitely going to have more than one child. I can't imagine my life without her, and knowing the wonderful experience I've shared with her, I truly believe that the best gift I could give my child is a sibling. I know that my kids may not end up best friends like Annika and I, but I want to give them the opportunity to have someone like her. She understands me in a way that no one else I have ever met, and in a way I don't think anyone else ever could. Amazing.

With our friends (and a drag queen!) at her going away party last week

Sunday, September 19, 2010


When I think of my family I still mostly tend to think of my parents and my sister. The people that have always been my family. My family, where I didn't have a choice in the matter. I love my blood family. They are odd in the same ways I am. We understand each other. We have a great time together, in ways I've never experienced with anyone else.

I've been married for over two years now, and I'm only really beginning to think of Kyle as my primary family. It helps now, that we've eschewed roommates, and live just the two of us (well, five, if you count the cats). And I guess I've been thinking more lately about the family we will build together. It still feels weird to me, though, to have family that I chose. My parents have always been my parents. My sister just showed up without me having much say in the matter. Kyle, I picked out. I fought for this, really. We found each other from across a continent, and we've made it through cross-country moves, and break-ups. That has not been what family meant to me. But I'm finally getting used to this new definition.

Things have been tough for my family lately. Money has been tight, with Kyle's new job situation and the cat needing surgery unexpectedly. The nice thing, though, is that money woes seem to bring us closer together. We had a problem this past week with my paycheck going through. And a student loan payment that Kyle remembered at the last minute leaves us with about fifty cents in the checking account until my check clears. But somehow, paying for gas ant toilet paper with the roll of quarters we had set aside for laundry, and watching an illegally downloaded copy of The Last Starfighter was the perfect way to spend my Saturday night. It didn't hurt that Kyle surprised me with Chicken Parmesan when I got home from work.

This weekend I have confirmed that I really did pick the right family for myself, and that we'll grow it, eventually, and when we do, everything will be okay.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Best Laid Plans...

So our super romantic night last night, well, wasn't.

Apparently putting all sorts of pressure on yourself to like, make a baby, makes sex into work and not so much fun, and yeah. It just wasn't happening. And even though I'm pretty disappointed, I don't really want the conception of my child to be some sort of drudgery. So it will be okay.

But anyway, there goes this month. Most likely, at least, as I haven't had that  spike yet, so in the case Husband is feeling particularly amorous tonight... So probably not. Oh well.

I guess the key here is for us to stop thinking about it and talking about it and just let. it. happen. But the problem here is twofold: First of all, I am me. Talking and thinking about it is what I do. That's what this motherfucking blog is for, after all. And it's not like I could stop if I wanted to. I suppose I could stop talking to Kyle specifically about it, but that lead us to problem numba two: the way our schedules are so irregular and non-overlapping and crazy, if we don't plan in sex, we don't have it very often. So if we just "let it happen," it'll probably happen sometime in 2015. Great.

Right now I don't really know what the plan is. Kyle and I probably need to discuss it more when we're not half naked after really bad sort-of-sex.

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Glamorous Life

Super romantic text message from my husband this afternoon:
We can have sex before I go out! I love you :)
It was in response to optimal baby-making time conflicting with his weekly boys' night out. Lovely.

Right now I am feeling like I can't wait until I'm pregnant so I can stop thinking about getting pregnant all the time, but I am pretty sure that when I get there, that pregnancy will be even better at consuming my every thought. But I'm so ready to get started.

Thursday, September 9, 2010


So here I am with yet another 180.

Work was so much better today. I can't guarantee I won't change my mind again about everything again tomorrow, but I'll take what I can get. Part might be working with my new GM again today; I really like her. And part might be that I rocked some mannequins yesterday, so now my new staff respects my mad skillz. But mostly I'm happy because the plan was confirmed today. The powers that be want me in and out of this store. Like, six months, get my training and get out. Hallelujah. And I started digging into my training today, and it feels so good to finally get started on it.

With all that in mind, I think it'll be much easier for me now to make the best of my current situation.  I'm hoping I can just jam as much possible information into my head in these six months and totally shine at the merchandising stuff I'm already good at and then move on to bigger and better things next year.  So I'm feeling good. For today at least.

As for other things, I'm feeling like it's possibly a really bad idea for me to ever get pregnant. Seriously, my emotions are all over the place right now. I cry all the time about everything. I cry at reruns of Gilmore Girls. Hell, I cry at Secret Life of the American Teenager. P.S. Don't tell anyone I watch that because ew. Embarassing. Last night I cried because I was overwhelmed with how thoughtful Kyle was to bring me a piece of mediocre cheesecake from the grocery store bakery. And then I went to bed and cried some more for no apparent reason. Can you imagine what pregnancy hormones would do to me!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Feelin' Blue

I am depressed about the work situation. I'm pretty sure I posted yesterday about how I like it there and I'm excited and something something blah blah opportunities blah blah whatever, but today, I don't know. It's funny, since actual work today was fine. I was styling mannequins all day, which is something I'm really good at and confident about, and something my new store needs a lot of help with, so I was in my element, and showing my stuff and making a good impression and whatever. Great, right?

Wrong. I kind of hate it there. I know that a big part of it is that I don't really know anyone yet and I don't have friends and inside jokes and someone to each lunch with, and a barista that recognizes me in the morning, and any grasp of the surrounding area where i could get lunch if only I had any idea where I was. And that will change as I get my bearings and get to know people, and I'm sure I'll be on a first name basis with everyone that works at Starbucks by the end of next week considering how often I am in there, but...

But there are some things that I really don't like about my new digs, and those are things that aren't going to change with the passing of time. Maybe my dislike of them will, but I'm not feeling super confident about that.The pace is so s l l o o o w w. I know that was supposed to be a good thing, but my day seems to drag on forever and I feel like I'm not accomplishing enough, and I'm always looking over my shoulder thinking that someone's going to catch me slacking off, but I'm the one working the hardest and I hate it. Half the associates are old enough to be my mom, and I find myself deferring to them even though I am technically the one in charge and maybe that's a personal failure, but it makes me uncomfortable. And the customers are all suburban yoga pants wearing soccer moms, and really I have nothing against suburban yoga pants wearing soccer moms, but they aren't my young urban fashion forward shoppers that were at my old store, and I miss that, and I don't like that I feel out of place for  wearing skinny jeans and a tunic instead of flares and a tee shirt. 

Blah. I need to get over myself. I need a hobby. I had planned to go running this afternoon after work, but instead I came home and moped.  I guess the up side of starting work later in the mornings than I am used to means I will have time to get a run in before work tomorrow.

So, I'm really sorry if you're here to help me scrutinize the meaning of my cervical mucus, or hear me ponder whether this teensey imaginary bout nausea could possibly mean I might actually be pregnant even though I haven't had sex for three weeks, but with the new job situation and the aforementioned lack of sex, this is all I have to offer.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

One day at a time!

First day at my new store today. It went pretty well. I am not used to the hours yet, though, and I was really dragging by four or so. I'm used to being home by then. I like my new boss. She kind of reminds me of Madam Mimm in the Sword in the Stone when she has a wizards duel with Merlin and turns into a purple dragon. Except for in a cashmere sweater.

I mean this in a good way, I swear. (An aside--people remind me of various things: Disney characters, barnyard animals, political figures, always always in a good way, but I have to stop myself from saying so, because most people would be offended if I told them they looked like a pig. Even if I said I meant it in a good way. And I do.)  Anyway, new boss. I like her. She is very  much no-bullshit and says what she is thinking which is especially nice when what she is thinking is full of swears.

The pace at my new store, though, is so much slower than I am used to. I know that's what I was excited about, but it's going to take some getting used to. As of now, I just feel like I'm not doing anything and that I'm going to get in trouble for not doing anything. But hopefully this feeling will pass.

I'm feeling very melancholy about the whole thing right now, but part of that I'm sure is being overwhelmed by a new location and new people and new challenges, and once I get comfortable in my new space I'll start feeling confident again.

Monday, September 6, 2010

One more time, with feeling!

Last week I finally got my period after a 40-day cycle. I wasted three or four pregnancy tests, even though I knew I wasn't pregnant. But that little voice in the back of my head...  But it's really hard to find time to you know, have sex and things when you're working a 60+ hour week with overnight shifts when you're supposed to be ovulating. Actually, it's had to find time to figure out when you're supposed to be ovulating.

So I guess this will be the first month we are really and truly trying to get pregnant. I'm excited, but surprisingly calm. When we went off of birth control in May I didn't think I'd be able to make it this long without completely freaking out, but I'm okay. My very first two week wait, before we were even truly trying, was the most agonizingly long two weeks I've ever experienced. And I'm sure if there is a chance that I am pregnant this cycle, two weeks will once again take forever, but I don't think it will be so hard this time around.  It will happen when it happens. And a couple weeks in either direction isn't going to make or break any of my plans, except for maybe the trip we're supposed to take with Kyle's family next year, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Anyway, that's my new Zen approach to baby making. Please remind me of this when I am flipping out again in another three weeks.

Tomorrow I start work at my new store. I'm anxious and nervous and worried about what to wear and finding it okay and making it through traffic on time and not barfing on my shoes because I get myself so worked up over all of this.  I think, though, that this will ultimately be a good thing for me and for us and for my future family. At the very least, I will have less early mornings as I did before, so I'll be able to stay up late enough at night to actually see Kyle when he gets home from work, so we can... you know. And if I do manage to actually get pregnant, I don't need to worry about not being able to handle the stress of my job so much, so that is a huge weight off my shoulders.

Still, I don't feel quite ready for tomorrow.

Saturday, September 4, 2010


At work, I am known for baking. If one of my coworkers has a birthday or gets promoted or finds out she is pregnant or makes it ten years with the company I will probably bring some cookies. Sometimes I bake for no reason at all. Anyone's last day is sure to bring out the baked goods. 

Yesterday I baked all afternoon. I baked a lemon cream pie, complete with homemade crust and real whipping cream. I baked fudgey walnut brownies. And then I baked a double batch of coconut chocolate chip cookies.

Why? Today was MY last day.


Wait, what? That's pretty much how I feel about it as well. On Thursday afternoon my manager told me that I was being transferred to another location. Today was my last day. I start at my new store on Tuesday. It's all very abrupt.

I'm still digesting all of this, but I am getting excited. I have worked at my current store for four years, and it's the only location I've ever been at. It's right in the middle of the hustle and bustle of downtown Seattle, and I love that. It's the biggest store in the state, so it gets all the special interesting product that other stores might not receive. We just did a full remodel, so we have all of the newest, nicest finishes.

But at the same time, my old store is kind of a monster. It's super high stress and high expectations, and going into overdrive all the time is really starting to wear me out. I haven't received any of my required training since I got promoted this spring, but I'm still expected to be exceeding expectations without any support to do so. I've actually been scared that if i do get pregnant, all the stress I am under will be hard on the baby. An acquaintance at (yet) another location just had a stress-induced miscarriage, and that terrifies me.

My new store is at a mall I have never even been to. It is small and old and unimportant. It never gets visited by the CEO when he is in town. I'm a little sad to be stepping out of the spotlight, but I'm also relieved that I'll get to reduce my stress level and relax a little bit, and finally get the training I so desperately need, so that I can move on to bigger and better things.

I am so not looking forward to my new commute, though.


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