I've felt kind of... quiet this month. May was when I was planning to go see Jaime, back when we thought she had more time. Back before she died. Died. I'm still mostly in denial about it, I think. And I have moments, here and there, where I am just overcome with sadness. Mostly on the way to work, when I'm in the car alone. It's the only time it's quiet enough for it to bubble up to their surface I think. She finally has stopped showing up in my Facebook chat sidebar. I'm not sure how I feel about that either.
We found out last month the my favorite (second) cousin, Silva, has cancer, too. She's just 27. Like me. It's different, she has Hodgkin's lymphoma, and the caught it early and are doing aggressive chemo and she has a really great chance, but coming off the heels of Jaime's death it is really hard for me. Harder, too, because she lives halfway across the world in the Netherlands and I can't just pick up and go see her. But all I want to do is be there because I am still kicking myself for not being able to see Jaime before she died. But it's different. I will see her again, I will. I will. And my sister was able to take the train up to see her, so even though I couldn't be there I do take a lot of comfort in my sister's visit.
There have been a lot of good things this month, too, but I haven't felt like blogging about them because this dark cancer cloud has been hanging over my head.
June will be better.