Friday, May 31, 2013


Well thank goodness May will be over in a couple hours. 

I've felt kind of... quiet this month. May was when I was planning to go see Jaime, back when we thought she had more time.  Back before she died.  Died. I'm still mostly in denial about it, I think. And I have moments, here and there, where I am just overcome with sadness.  Mostly on the way to work, when I'm in the car alone. It's the only time it's quiet enough for it to bubble up to their surface I think. She finally has stopped showing up in my Facebook chat sidebar. I'm not sure how I feel about that either. 

We found out last month the my favorite (second) cousin, Silva, has cancer, too. She's just 27. Like me. It's different, she has Hodgkin's lymphoma, and the caught it early and are doing aggressive chemo and she has a really great chance, but coming off the heels of Jaime's death it is really hard for me. Harder, too, because she lives halfway across the world in the Netherlands and I can't just pick up and go see her. But all I want to do is be there because I am still kicking myself for not being able to see Jaime before she died. But it's different. I will see her again, I will. I will. And my sister was able to take the train up to see her, so even though I couldn't be there I do take a lot of comfort in my sister's visit.

There have been a lot of good things this month, too, but I haven't felt like blogging about them because this dark cancer cloud has been hanging over my head. 

June will be better.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Crowning Glory

So, I had a terrible Mother's Day. I had to work and Kyle kind of opted out since he worked all day too,  and I thought that by having no expectations I would avoid being disappointed. But the damned Internet and social media and everyone else in the world publicly having an amazing day did me in. One fight with my husband later, we decided to reschedule Mother's Day for Tuesday when we could spend it together.

I swear I'm not high maintenance or anything.  We didn't do anything crazy. Just went out for lunch at our favorite local place and went to the park. Oh, and got Tycho's haircut for the first time.

Record scratch, I know. I've been fighting against everyone who has been telling me I should cut it for. I don't know, the past YEAR? Because its crazy and tangly and in his eyes and makes him look like a girl. (You know that last one wasn't a factor for me, eye roll.) I totally didn't mind the untangling, but it was always in his face, and he absolutely refuses to let me put it up, and if I do manage to wrestle it into a ponytail he will rip it out within seconds. So. Haircut. Before I changed my mind because MYYYY BAAAAABBBYYYYY!

It's awesome. Out of his face, finally, but not even close to short. Still tons of curl. He now looks even more like I did at his age. Love. 

And then we did this again. 

Saturday, May 11, 2013


You know what's so awesome? Seeing yourself in your child. Tonight Tycho pulled my old plant field guide out of the bookshelf and he sat on my lap and we turned the pages and looked at pictures of trees and shrubs and flowers and grasses. I love him so much.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

The reason

Kyle and I were talking the other night about how crazy it is for us to have another baby. To draw out the diapers and the crying and the poop and the not sleeping for another several years right when we can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. But we know we want two children, so we will suffer. Or something. There may have been wine involved.

Really, I'm not a baby person. I mean, I now have all sorts of squishy mama hormones giving me squishy mama feelings and sometimes I want to kidnap a friend's newborn to huff that new baby head smell, but like, babies, not my favorite. Even my own, who was clearly the most adorable perfect baby ever, bored me to tears, adorably. I never wanted babies to have babies. I wanted to have babies so one day I could have children.

Tycho is still a baby in a lot of senses. He needs help with everything, and his communication skills are barely developed. But I see now the person he is becoming, and it is AWESOME. There are still hard moments, and often, but in general every day with Tycho is better and more like what I imagined when I would daydream about parenthood. His personality is his and his alone, and we hang out and it is fun and I love him. I mean, obviously, but you know.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...