Saturday, February 26, 2011

Dizzy in the Noodle

So I kind of feel like Lesley Ann Warren as Cinderella in the 1965 made-for-TV Rodgers & Hammerstein production when everyone is home from the ball and she is waxing poetic to her step-sisters about how wonderful it all is. "What all is?" asks her step-mother.

This pregnancy thing is freaking amazing as all get out, I tell you. I keep writing these posts about how OMG, you guys, the baby is kicking FOR REAL this time! And then two days later I'm feeling like I should tell you more about these kicks because they are so much freaking better today than they were last time I posted you have got to try this!!

So at the risk of sounding like a broken record, omigoodness, I just love feeling him moving around. I'm feeling it all the time now, not just when I don't have other things to distract me, and it's more often than not real, discrete kicks instead of some vague wiggly feeling in my gut and holy cow I am in love.

The store I used to work at had kids and baby departments, but it was in the middle of downtown Seattle, and as such most people didn't bring their kids on shopping trips. Sure, there was always a munchkin or two, but nothing crazy. Certainly they were always outnumbered by mannequins. My new store is in a very family friendly suburban mall and out store is outfitted with a coloring table for the little ones and there is a parade of adorable (and sometimes appallingly behaved) children that come through our doors. Lately I've been watching the little boys. I'm going to have a son. I've never really imagined myself as a mother to a boy. A spitfire tomboy girl maybe, but for whatever reason, my imagination just didn't go there. So now I catch myself studying them. Will he be like that? Can I handle that? What have I gotten myself into?

But it always comes back to how wonderful it all is!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Obligatory 20 Weeks Post

I ought to have posted this yesterday when I was in fact exactly 20 weeks pregnant, but I was busy doing other stuff and then all of the sudden  it wasn't yesterday anymore, so oh well. Anyway, half way point, yay, etc.

Monday, February 21, 2011

And so it begins...

Hello blogfriends.

Things are awesome. I am definitely in the good part of pregnancy. I mostly feel great, except for a little backache or leg cramp here and there. My energy is back up, and barfing seems to think of the past (knock on wood). I get heartburn at night when I lay down, but it's not severe, and mostly just ends up serving as a reminder that hey! there's a baby in there.

Speaking of, tonight baby kicks just got real.  I mean, they were there before and everything, but in that sort of demented goldfish bumping into walls and kind of vague movementy feelings kind of way. Now I'm feeling real, discrete kicks.

Last night Kyle came home bearing a bag of baby presents. The mother of one of the kids he coaches sent it home with him. Tons and tons of stuff, omigosh! Elephant print onesies! Sleepers with turtles! TINY PLAID OVERALLS! So many things. I think that was the most fun I've ever had opening presents ever. Oh, the generosity of strangers. Unbelievable. I've never even met this woman!

Having actual baby stuff meant for my very own baby makes this feel another level of real. I spent a little time last night imagining my son (OMG! My son!) in tiny plaid overalls and it was lovely. Now that he's a he and he has clothes and he has a name and he kicks me in the stomach I'm just filled with JOY, however cliché that might be. It's definitely the best descriptor for the feeling.

My project for this week, then, is to actually find a home for all this baby gear that is assembling in my home. It's everywhere! In bags in my bedroom, on my desk, in my dresser. In a suitcase in the hallway. Crazy. I probably should have been expecting stuff to start showing up, but wow. I feel like there's tons of it already.

Friday, February 18, 2011

It's a...

(Perhaps I shouldn't have posted that picture here, but oh well.) Yes, he's a him. Very unsurprising results, as everyone we know guessed that's what we were having. I felt like he was a boy early on, but as we got closer to finding out I felt less certain. But now we know. And, as you can see from the picture, we pretty darn sure.

I feel great. Honestly, I had no real preference, besides some superficial nonsense, but those things fell on both sides anyway. I can't say I was surprised, though. Yesterday when we found out I felt a little down, not because of the results, but just because I feel like everything is going by so quickly and I don't feel ready to be a parent yet and have him on the outside, and every milestone we pass reminds me how fleeting this time is.

Today I feel much better. I've had a chance to sit a while with the new normal, and knowing this, and BABY BOY I LOVE YOU! He has a pronoun and a NAME and we saw all of his fingers and toes and just wow. The doctor said he looks absolutely perfect, and all of his bone measurements were coming out a couple days to a week ahead. They said he weighs 10 ounces (plus or minus two), and my weekly email said he should be about 8.5, so he's clearly a healthy kid. And, goodness! The fingers and toes!

I'm getting bigger, too. My bella band is starting to not quite cut it, and I'm really going to need to invest in some maternity jeans soon. I was hoping to avoid maternity pants altogether, but clearly that was a pipe dream. I have picked up some more pieces, though, so I don't feel like getting dressed every morning is the hardest thing I've ever had to do any more, but I'm still not quite to a working wardrobe.
19 Weeks

I'm also getting tired of everyone telling me how small I am or how I barely have a belly. I know I am small. I started out little, of course I'm not going to be huge now. But I'm certainly very much bigger than I was 15 weeks ago when I took my first belly photo, and I'm the perfect size for where I am in my pregnancy. I would love for this to be acknowledged. I guess soon enough everyone will being telling me how huge I am and OMG what do you mean you have another two months left!? and that will irritate me too.

Kyle is of course thrilled to be having a son. He was definitely prepared for the possibility of a girl, and wouldn't have been disappointed or anything, but he certainly feels more confident about being father to a boy. He's been so excited to tell everyone, and it's the first time he's really been shouting from the rooftops about any of that, and it makes me so happy to see.

21 weeks until we meet our perfect adorable son. OMG!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

P.S. 18 weeks!
Hey party people! I have not forgotten you; I'm just in the middle of a very busy several weeks at work. It's been the good kind of busy, too. Yeah, my stress level has been a little higher than normal, but nothing I can't handle, and I've gotten to do work on my favorite kind of projects. I've been working really hard, but I've also been accomplishing a lot, and I'm really proud of everything I've done, blah blah blah talky-speak. But seriously, it's nice to be in a place where I have things like job-satisfaction and a career path and what have you, when I'm facing becoming a working mother.

I think working will be good for me, anyway. I need the outside imposed structure to my days to not spiral into a black hole of lazy and depressed, and I think that I would go nuts without the adult interaction, not to mention the self-esteem implications of defining myself as things other than just a mother. But it's also nice to feel like I am getting to a point where I have the support to be great at what I do, so that I will be valued enough for them to be flexible to my needs as a parent. Or at least that's what I hope. I feel pretty confident. For today.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011


Dear Baby,

Hello in there. These past few days have been amazing, because I'm starting to be able to feel you move around inside me! I've been hoping it would happen for a few weeks now, and I'd spent a lot of time concentrating on my belly, but I wasn't feeling anything. I've read that it should feel like butterflies or maybe like bubbles popping, but I didn't feel anything at all. But then the other night something was different. It wasn't butterflies or bubbles, but it definitely was you! I think I can most accurately describe it as feeling like a tiny goldfish was swimming around in there. And I guess that makes more sense that insects anyway, since my uterus is an aqueous environment and all.

Anyhow, little fishy, can I just tell you how much I love you? Every new milestone we hit overwhelms me with more love than I thought was possible for someone I haven't even really met before. Next week we have another ultrasound, and we'll get to see you again and find out if you're a him or a her. I will love you no matter what, but I'm really excited to know any thing more about you that I can, and to see your perfect tiny little face and hands and feet.

I feel like the weeks are going by so quickly, and you'll be here sooner than I can imagine. I'm excited to finally hold you in my arms, but I know that I will also miss this time that I am holding you inside me. I love you.

Love, Mommy

Sunday, February 6, 2011

b r e a t h e

I. Am. Panicking.

Seriously. What in the hell do we think we are doing, having a baby? We don't even have a savings account! (Well, actually we have three, but they collectively hold approximately twenty five dollars.) We're going to lose the baby under piles of laundry and cat hair and also possibly cat vomit. I mean, really. We are not grownups. And where the hell are we going to live? Pay no mind that our lease isn't even up until August (AFTER THE BABY IS SUPPOSED TO ARRIVE), and there's no way we can afford to cut out of our lease early. But like, we can't have a baby and no dishwasher and no laundry, what with the aforementioned piles of dirty clothing. But (see above re: savings account) it's not like we can afford anywhere better. Or anywhere better than a cardboard box once approximately 110% of my salary is going to daycare. And who doesn't get important adult things like a house before they have a baby? Who has a baby in a crappy rental apartment? Who? What first grader is going to invite their friends back to this piece of shit "home"? OMG, first grade? School? Should we start worrying about school districts and whether or not the local elementary is total ass? Because obviously we're not going to be able to afford private school! Why in the world did I have to be so incredibly selfish and do this NOWNOWNOW when clearly that was a terrible idea?

I know most of this is probably just pregnancy hormones and lack of good sleep and totally normal and everything, and that we'll hopefully figure out a way to make things work, but all these things are real worries for me. I mean we decided years ago that we needed a new couch and a new coffee table, and we still haven't managed to be in a financial position to make such a purchase, and the whole pregnancy/childbirth/baby thing is already going to cost us a lot of money that we don't have so I guess the baby is going to have to hang out on our disgusting old couch. At least baby won't be able to bump his or her head on any coffee corner tables, because we don't have one at all. I don't know. I think I really just need to cry and flip out and have Kyle hold me a reassure me and tell me everything is going to be all right, but as much as I love him, he's really not that kind of man, and doesn't understand this. He tells me it's going to be okay, but not in any way that makes me believe him or even really considered that these things might in fact be problems or that I'm not completely insane, and maybe hopefully I am but I really don't think so.

I already love this stupid little thing so much and I don't know how I'm going to be good enough.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Where the hell did my butt go?

So, I think I'm feeling the second trimester awesomeness now. I don't feel like barfing, but I'm not huge and unwieldy yet. My appetite is back, thank goodness, and most things taste pretty good. I'm finally starting to look sorta kinda maybe pregnant, although I'd be happier if I didn't also sorta kinda maybe look like I have a beer belly. However, I still have to pee all the damn time, or possibly even more often, even though the internet said my bladder should calm down, and I'm still so freaking tired and need like fourteen hours of sleep a night to feel well rested, and that happens pretty much never, so yeah. But still, pretty good.

I also hear (well, read) that I should be able to feel baby move soon, but I haven't quite been able to will that to happen yet. I spend a lot of time concentrating on my abdomen and trying to feel it, but I don't think it works that way. I am trying to be patient, and I think I'm doing as good a job as can be expected, you know, for perhaps the most momentous thing so far, but it's haaaaaaard.

Tuesday brought another prenatal appointment, so now I have met all three of the midwives at my practice. I do have a favorite, but I am happy with them all, which is good, since you don't really get to pick who will be on call when you go into labor. I brought my mother with me to see the birth center, and she was happy. I gained back four of the five and a half pounds I lost, and my uterus is in the right place, blah blah blah normal perfect wonderful. I feel like we should be doing more at these visits, but when you're pretty much complication free there's not much to do. I probably shouldn't complain about that.


As of Wednesday we're at seventeen weeks. No pictures of my cute outfit, because I forgot to take pictures until I got home from yoga. However, as cute as outfit was, it was made up entirely of pre-pregnancy clothing, and as such, was only cute when I was standing perfectly still. Once I moved at all everything rode up or fell down or just generally looked awkward and askew and I spent all day readjusting everything and it sucked. I have now acquired a few maternity pieces, but nothing even close to a functional wardrobe, and I really need to get on it. Beyond being impractical and annoying, things are getting downright uncomfortable, and perhaps worse, unflattering, and ugh. Shopping shopping shopping. 

As much as I love shopping, I don't really spend all that much money on clothing. I mean, I do, but not all at once. In general, I buy stuff that has longevity, and I wear my clothes for years, until long past when I should probably get rid of them, so having to buy a lot of stuff all at once, that I can't even wear for very long is super difficult for me. I guess I just have to get over it, though.

We now have our appointment for our next ultrasound, where we'll find out if baby is a he or a she. I've thought about it long and hard,  and I really, truly have no preference, but still I'm really excited to KNOW anything more that we can know about baby. I'm excited for it to stop be an IT. We've been working on names, and I think knowing more about who we're naming is going to make it so much easier to talk about. And I just can't wait to see baby again, because OMG! BABY!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Speed Racer

Um...this is all happening really fast.

A coworker from my old store made the above as a comment on my belly picture from last week when I posted it on my Facebook. No kidding. It's February, guys! I could have a baby in as little as five months from now. I will be a MOTHER. What the fucking hell? (Perhaps I should try and learn how to swear less in the next five months.)

I am still having moments of "holy crap I'm having a baby!" Last night I couldn't sleep. I am going to be somebody's parent. Seriously? Am I ready for this? Am I even old enough for this? I want my mommy.

I'm sure this is all perfectly normal and everything, but still. Scary. Very scary.


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