Monday, July 26, 2010

Around we go.

Husband and I had a lovely anniversary date. We got very dressed up, and my hair behaved, and we had a wonderful seven course French dinner. I did receive a rather unpleasant early anniversary gift: my period. I guess it was nice that it allowed me to have a cocktail with the meal, but we all know I would happily have given that up if we had also been celebrating my pregnancy.

But we're not. Again. I realize that I've only been off birth control for two months and that we're not even trying, but... UUUGGGGHHHHH. Besides that I'm still feeling totally thrown off guard by the whole menstruation thing, I'm so disappointed. Which is stupid, I'm sure.

I want a baby, and I want to be pregnant, so badly. My sister, for whatever probably selfish reason, tries to convince me to wait until next year, and I try, but ultimately fail to communicate how all-encompassing this desire is.

There is only one other time I can think of that my brain was overtaken in this way. Back when Husband and I first met, he lived all the way across the country from me in Ohio. We were so young, and so we were not exactly wealthy, and our visits together were months and months apart. And in the week or so leading up the a visit with him, I could think of nothing else.  I certainly couldn't concentrate in school. And my daydreams weren't limited to just the immediate agenda of the time we would spend together that coming weekend, but also his inevitable move to Seattle to be with me and what our first apartment would look like and when we would get married and our wedding and our babies... See, I've always been this nuts.

Fortunately, the daydreams that consume me are mostly good. Actually they are mostly amazing. How I will feel when those two lines appear. How I will announce the news to my husband, my family, my boss, my friends. My adorable growing belly. Feeling the baby move. Giving it a name, and painting the nursery. (Nevermind that we are renters and probably won't be allowed to paint the murals I am imagining.)  Sometimes I daydream about my softly lit gentle homebirth, or bonding during those first breastfeeding sessions, and taking a nap on the couch with baby on my chest. Perhaps I have a toddler, and we are picking flowers in the backyard. I imagine a second pregnancy, and explaining a new baby to my first. It's all very wonderful and magical and so easy to get lost in. I love getting lost.

But sometimes my daydreams turn dark. Why hasn't it happened yet? Let's ignore that it's only been two months and that WE'RE NOT EVEN TRYING YET. Do not distract me with logic. Regardless, we've done the appropriate things around what I thought was the appropriate time. And still., no dice. The other day, Husband and I were grabbing a quick lunch at Wendy's (classy, I know), and these thoughts all came flooding over me. What if? What if there's something wrong with me? What if there's something wrong with him? What if we can't get pregnant? What if we need help? What if we can't afford it?

"What if?" I asked him. All of my worst fears came spilling out onto the table, mingling with the chicken nuggets. He assured me it will be fine. But what if it's not? What if we need help? He tells me we will get help. But what about the money? I start quoting figures I am pulling out of remembered blog posts and/or my ass. He says we will find a way. I am ridiculous. I love my husband.

I am back to the happy daydreams today. I wish they would cut it out, though, so I can start packing.

Saturday, July 24, 2010


Today Husband and I have been married for two years. In August it will have been six since we met. There is nothing in my world that exists except for in relation to him. And I don't mean that in a pathetic, I have no interests or hobbies of my own kind of way, but rather that even when he's not here and I'm doing something completely unrelated to him or our relationship he is still there with me.

There are a lot of people who ask about marriage  "why bother?"  Why don't we just keep on keepin' on? Why do we have to make a big deal out of it? The legal aspects are neither here nor there (although they are nice). And it's not about all the pomp and circumstance of a big wedding. It's the total commitment of yourself to your partner for life. And that's so much more than just love.

When Husband and I got married I knew that I was ready to make this commitment, and I that I wanted to be with him forever and that I wanted for him to be my family and the father to my children. But still, I had no idea how this would change our relationship. It's hard to describe the difference. The subtle permanence of us permeates everything now. I could never have predicted the comfort and ease of just knowing. Knowing what, I'm not even sure, but it's there, in the background, behind everything that I do and think and feel. And it is amazing.

Husband is not the perfect man. He's not the perfect husband.  I imagine that some of my acquaintances think that my marriage is doomed to fail based on the anecdotes I share with them.  He is irritating and messy and I'm needy and we fight and complain about each other. But it is all superficial. Underlying all of the imperfection is something special that I cannot describe, but I can feel it, all the time, and I know everything is going to be okay.

Thursday, July 22, 2010


I am absolutely no good at waiting. I want to be pregnant NOOWWW. Which is especially stupid since we aren't even officially trying yet.

Today is cycle day 29. No sign of period. Negative test yesterday.  My theoretical ovulation (based on cervical fluidity, because I'm not temping) was in the middle of happy vacation sex fest, but I'm thinking that perhaps it was delayed based on travel and travel and rollercoasters and alcohol and travel. Since underpants are getting all slimy again. (Sorry.)  But still. Ugh.

I think if I don't end up pregnant this go-round I'm going to try and start temping. I'm not sure if it will actually be at all enlightening since my waking times vary between 3:30 am, and, uh... a lot later than that.  So we'll see. But hopefully it won't come to that and I'll be pregnant and everything will be rainbows and unicorns.

In other news we signed the lease on our new place yesterday, and we'll be moving in some time next week. I'm relieved that its out of the way, but now... packing. Hopefully it won't be too bad.

Monday, July 19, 2010

No actual content, but...


My legitimate thoughts on this later.

Saturday, July 17, 2010


I have a love hate relationship with moving. In the last six years I have moved eight times. Some of those times were uncomplicated in-and-out of dorm room type things, but also included was moving both mine and Husband's apartments into our new place just before our wedding. Without his help because he was having his birthday/bachelor party.  Mmhmm.

Recently I have been moving every time my least has been up. It isn't always something I can avoid. Moving in with my new husband was important, and there's not so much you can do when one of your roommates completely loses her mind and moves to South Carolina and you can't really afford the whole place with just three people.

And here we are again. Our lease is up this month, and our roommate decided he wants to move out and live alone for the first time in a long time, and more power to him. But that means we have to leave too.  Which is very sad, because I love our place and it would be perfect for a small family with a baby or two, but if we could afford this whole place on our own we wouldn't have been living with roommates for the last two years. And good god do I ever hate searching for rentals. I'm beyond over crappy apartments with crappy beige walls and crappy carpeting and crappy Formica kitchen counters surrounding crappy stove tops and crappy tiny stackable washer/dryer--if they even have laundry at all. Not to mention the crappy teeny weeny bedrooms that barely fit my king size mattress, much less any of my clothing. And ever these crappy places are barely within my crappy budget. Or they won't allow pets. It's too bad I would lose my mind living in a cheaper city.

Still, we have things to look forward to. This will be the first time Husband and I have lived alone since we broke up in 2007, and certainly since we've been married. I have really enjoyed having roommates, but I'm excited for us to really start creating our own family. And I love the purging of stuff that comes along with moving. I've always been a saver, but in the last few years I've been fighting against my impulses to save things that I maybe might need some day. I'm only planning to move the stuff that we really need or want with us, and start off again fresh. I'm excited to redecorate. We have had the same horrible beige IKEA couch since Husband moved to Seattle, and it is ugly and lumpy and has been spilled upon and stained and torn up be cats. It'll probably have to come with us, but I plan to replace it as soon as possible.

We looked at a place the other night and I am in love. It's imperfect, of course, but it has all the intangibles that make me happy, and anyone who knows me knows that my living space can greatly affect my mood. Husband picked up the application documents today... My heart is in my teeth and I am so anxious to apply and be accepted and pay our deposit and get to packing and I fear something will go horribly wrong even though there is no reason for me to think that. At the same time I have already completely planned where all of the furniture will go and what coffee table I am going to buy (this one, if you're interested), and I'm already plotting what sort of baked goods I will bring when I introduce myself to my new neighbors with a beautiful baby... I always get like this when I move. Or when I plan anything. I am a daydreamer, for sure. Please cross your fingers for me. I promise if good things happen for us I will post a zillion pictures and a detailed description and what-have-you, but right now I feel like putting my ridiculous plans into words might jinx it.

Monday, July 12, 2010

I'm Back!

Back in Seattle and from vacation. Well, technically I am still on vacation until tomorrow because I am very smart and requested myself an extra day off of work.

This trip was simply wonderful. This was the first vacation I've taken since I've been promoted to full-time at work, and have exciting things like paid vacation, and not having to worry about being broke when I get home is fantastic and amazing.

The rest of the trip was pretty good also. I'm generally not ever super excited to visit Ohio or to hang out with my in-laws, but maybe I'm getting older or things are mellowing out or maybe it's that I'm finally had enough visits to really get to know them all enough to actually enjoy spending time with them. I don't know, but I was pleasantly surprised.

Chicago was fun. We were only there for the last two days, but I haven't seen my middle brother in law since right after we go married, and this was the first time I met his boyfriend. It was nice, especially since last year we got in a big stupid fight over email, so just having fun together was relieving.

It was even better being in Cleveland again. And I can't believe I'm saying, er, typing that. But seriously. First of all, family. Husband's extended family is well, completely overwhelming, but so welcoming and exuberant.  And he has two adorable eight year old girls for cousins (and like 30 others, age 5 to about 30), and they love me and are so excited to see me and want me to braid their hair (poorly) and offered to pay the fifty cents for me to play arcade games with them. And did I mention they are adorable? And Irish and freckled and adorable.  My youngest cousin is something like 20 years old and I know so few people with kids, and oh. my. god.  I'm pretty sure that this particular variety of adoration that has been bestowed upon me is reserved for "special occasion people". You know, the cool not-really-your-aunt that you only see twice a year and buys you your first eyeshadow palate when you are eleven. But still, I just can't get enough. And watching Husband interact with his little cousins killed me. Want. Want want want want.

The second amazing thing about Ohio was Husband's friends. First of all, Husband's best friend C... how do I even explain this. No one in the entire world, not even myself, can make Husband as happy as C does. Even just anticipating spending time with C, Husband's eyes get all twinkly and glittery, and I'm not even jealous because I love seeing him and C together. His wife L says that C is the same way. Amazing. And the rest of his friends are so much fun, too. They all have wives and girlfriends, and a group of couples is something we're so missing here in Seattle. And even though I've only met some of them a few times, and a for a few it was our first meeting, they never have made me felt like the new girl and I just jump right into the festivities.

I started feeling so guilty that Husband moved here for me away from all these people that he loves, even though he wanted to move anyway and how he always tells me he's glad he's here and so I offered to move back to Ohio if he ever wanted, even though I kind of hate Ohio because watching him be so happy with his friends back home just melts my heart. He of course thinks I am crazy so home we are, for good.

I am feeling extremely happy and relaxed and in love right now.

P.S. We had sex four times and only one fight on vacation. I'm pretty sure that is a record. Definitely a better ratio than our honeymoon.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

From the road.

Husband and I are back at his parents' house in Cleveland now.  We're staying in the basement in a couple of twin beds pushed together. Kind of sad and unromantic, although I kind if enjoy having my very own blanket.  I brought my insect collecting equipment with me, so maybe I can acquire such exotic specimens as cicadas and fireflies.

Last night we went out with Husband's best friend C and his wife L to some carnival in a neighboring Cleveland suburb, and it was nice.  I love it when Husband gets to see C. He gets so happy and exciting just talking about reuniting, and his eyes get all glittery in anticipation.  It is amazing, really.  I'm actually really enjoying being here, as I haven't seen any of Husband's family and friends since we were here right after we got married, almost two years ago.  C and L are throwing a party with a bonfire for us on Friday night, and in the meantime I am enjoying the opportunity to relax and do nothing.

I think that's all for now, as I'm typing on Husband's tiny netbook, and he wants it back, and I hate mashing my fingers on this itty bitty keyboard anyway.  

Sunday, July 4, 2010


Hey friends! I'm posting from an air conditioned high-rise condo in downtown Chicago. My in-laws rented a unit here for this past week, and Husband and I joined them, his two little brothers, and their significant others yesterday. Tomorrow we are driving back to Cleveland with his parents and spending the week visiting the rest of his family and friends.

I'm so glad to be on vacation. Work has been out of control stressful, and BFF got married the night before we left, and that ended up being a big snafu. There is much more than I care to write on my iPhone, but I promise big updates when we return to Seattle.


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