Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Volume 2, Chapter 1

"You are no longer protected against pregnancy."

Okay, let's let that sink in for a little while.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013


Fucking cancer can go and fuck itself.

That's all I've got right now.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Simple Life

If every day was like today I might consider the whole stay-at-home-mom gig. I mean, not really, since it's not a financially feasible thing for us right now, and every day is not like today anyway, but really, today was simply blissful. 

I got myself up early, on my day off, and dragged myself to yoga. It's been a long time since I've been to class regularly, but I need to carve out some time to myself, so I've been going to class at a studio just down the street and it's been lovely. This morning's practice was, in a word, beautiful. Joyful, even, and you could feel it radiating out of everyone in the room. I needed this. I'm in perfectly reasonable shape, thanks to my job, but my muscles are so tight, and I need the opportunity for relaxation and meditation and slowness and deep breaths. My unofficial new years' resolution, I suppose, is then to get to class twice a week. I think it's doable.

It was a beautiful clear day today, after a week of thick fog, and then finally rain yesterday, so Tycho and I took a walk to get brunch. Tycho walked the whole 3/4 mile without me having to carry him, except for across a couple streets. He stopped to look at every bird and truck and smiled at everyone we passed. Kyle met us at the restaurant. Food was delicious. I had a mimosa.

When he napped this afternoon I tidied and vacuumed and assembled our new dining room furniture that has been sitting in boxes in the garage for weeks now. I'm slowly (slowly!) but surely turning our house into a home and these bright yellow chairs bring so much happiness into this space.

In between all these things I let myself really be present with my kid. It's hard to do sometimes, when there's so much to get done or I just need a break or I can't pull myself away from the inanities of facebook, but I spent most of the afternoon down on the floor with him wrestling and cuddling and reading and giggling and it was just what I needed.

He went to bed easily tonight, and I am enjoying my alone time. Some music, a fire, chocolate, the internet. And another day off with my babyman tomorrow! This is happiness.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

It's Time

Last time, things went something like this: First I got the baby fever, and I got it bad. BAD. Like, it kept me awake at night, and daydreaming during the day. I could not stop thinking about what it would be like to be pregnant, how I would feel when I saw those two pink lines, how I would fall in love with my little bundle of joy. It consumed me. But it wasn't time yet and I knew it so I just immersed myself in imagining.

Step two, I realized that babymaking for real wasn't that far off. And it freaked me the hell out. And I took a step away from the obsessing and the daydreaming because it was becoming too much for me and frankly I was scared.

And then finally three. One day, like someone flipped a switch, all of the sudden I was READY. NOW. And I couldn't wait a single second longer, I don't CARE what we agreed upon I HAVE TO do this. Fortunately Kyle seemed to understand the weight of the MUST I was feeling, and wisely didn't argue.

This time around has been a little different.

Stage one this time, was complete disbelief that I would ever be ready or want to do this again, ever. EVER. I felt like it was easy to go in to birth with a positive attitude; I knew it was going to be hard but I didn't know really what I was getting myself into, and there was no way after experiencing THAT I'd be able to do it again. And how exhausting Tycho was and we'd never be ready to juggle TWO, and ARE YOU CRAZY?

Before Tycho was born, before he was even, as my parents would say, a twinkle in my eye, Kyle and I agreed that we wanted at least two children, probably two to three years apart. It sounded reasonable. It SOUNDS reasonable. But when October rolled around I realized that if we wanted our kids two years apart we'd have to get pregnant right then. No. No no no no no no no NO. It was all either Kyle or I could think. NO. NOT READY. NO.

But then the NO faded almost as quickly as it came, and suddenly I'm back to the daydreaming and imagining and all the possibility and someday and feeeeeeeeelings. Still not ready, but WHAT IF, you know. And all that.

And then a couple weeks ago my switch got flipped again. It's different this time. My life is too full now to be so dominated by NEEDING to do this. But all of the sudden two doesn't scare me. I know, I KNOW, that it is time. It's a weird sort of calm I am in. Just kind of "bring it on, universe!" It's strange how it is this discrete jump from daydream to reality. I'm ready.

Friday, January 18, 2013


Weaning is going... well? I guess I expected it to be a terrible fight, lots of tantrums, and nothing! We nurse twice a day, sometimes only once, and it's not really even been hard. He asks sometimes, but usually I can redirect without too much trouble, or give him a cup of cow's milk or water. Sometimes it's a little bit of a fight, usually before nap time, though, when everything is a fight.

Being that this is easier than I thought it would be I'm seriously considering weaning him for good when Kyle and I leave him with my mom and go to Mexico next month. I feel a little sad about that, but at the same time, I also want to have another baby and I don't want to nurse again, so this trip would be really great timing... I guess we'll have to see how things are going when the time comes.

Little baby dude is growing up. Sigh.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Breastfeeding, 18 months in

I've been meaning to write this post for a while. Maybe not this exact post, as things change all the time, but something about the extended breastfeeding thing, because it certainly is a thing.

I'm so proud that we've made it this far. And I am SO ready to be done. But also not?

Nursing a toddler is such a different thing than when he was a baby. Firstly, he is demanding. He furiously will sign at me for milk, crawl into my lap, yank down my top. But he's also all over the place. It's never JUST nursing anymore. He's looking around, pointing, wiggling, trying to run away while still latched on, driving cars all over my chest, winking at me, demanding to play with my phone, putting his foot on my forehead, giving me a high five, playing peek-a-boo, wiggling, wiggling, WIGGLING.

It's not hard or bad by any means, but it's not exactly going as I imagined, either. Everything I'd heard and read suggested that he would gradually taper off, dropping this nursing session or that one, easy, without us having to work on it no big deal. No big deal, my ass. Tapering off? Ha! My kid loves the boobs. He asks to nurse, oh, all the time. All. The. Time. Typically, on a day I work (and am gone for 10+ hours, mind you) we nurse 5-6 times, on average. Once when he wakes up in the morning. Once, at Ashley's  before I leave for work, again at her house when I arrive to pick him up, once or twice in the evening, and once before bed. Days I'm home, I stopped counting. Add something mid-morning, before and after a nap, random afternoon time, oops I bonked my head, etc. All in all, WAY TOO MUCH.

So I'm weaning. I didn't want it to be something I specifically did, but clearly he's not going to initiate it, so I guess I have to. I don't know if I want to wean him entirely; I really did want to make it until age two, but I would also like to have another baby sometime in the relatively near future, and I don't know if I'm even ovulating yet. I don't know if it's because of nursing or my IUD, or some combination of the two, but I haven't had a period since October 2010, so I'm nervous about that. And should I get pregnant, I can't see myself having any energy left for breastfeeding. And tandem nursing? Totally awesome and inspiring when other people do it. Totally not for me. So. Weaning. Ish.

I've decided just to cold turkey drop us down to twice a day. Once in the morning when he gets up, and once after work/nap/before bed, whatever makes the most sense depending on that day's schedule. We're a couple days in, so far so good.

Kyle and I are going to Mexico without Tycho (!!!) next month, and I am, not entirely seriously, considering weaning him completely while we away for four days. I don't know, I bought a hand pump to help relieve engorgement (Yes, at 18 months I still get engorged. Sigh.), and to keep my supply up, I guess, if that's what I want to do, but I don't know if that's what I want to do. It seems really soon, and really kind of mean, since he loves it so much. And I do love it too, even though I'm tired of it. I suppose we'll see how things look when we get to that point.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Holiday Rundown

I have all these bits and pieces of blog posts brewing in my mind, but I need to get some business done with: the Holidays! They were exciting this year, as Tycho was old enough to kind of sort of maybe get what was going on, and we had a house for Santa to visit, etc. It was tough, though, working in retail as my time was, shall we say, limited. And my sister was in town for the first time since Tycho was a month old so things were crazy and busy and completely off schedule, but good and memorable and fun, too.

I wish I had a Santa Claus picture to post, but we got to the fancy-pants Santa at the Nordstrom downtown, and they are irritating and old school and mail your pictures out in January and I still haven't received them and it's not like anyone cares at this point, so it'll just go up next year, I guess. Blah. But I am pleased to report that Tycho did great; no tears at all. And Santa gave him his first candy cane, which miraculously kept him happy and silent for a good thirty minutes!

For the first time ever we hosted Christmas morning at our house, since I think it's fair that Santa comes to where the kiddos are. Last year, when we were in our old house and Tycho was too little to have a clue we just spent the night at my parents, so this felt like our first REAL Christmas as a family. My parents and my sister ad our good friend Catlin all were good sports and got up early to come celebrate with us.

Tycho really did grasp the whole presents concept that went right over his head at his birthday, so we had a good time.

As you can see above, our "big" present was nine million (well, two hundred) ball pit balls. Everyone told me I was insane and they would be everywhere, and they are right, but they are so awesome. Tycho LOVES them and he can throw them where ever and there are always more and they don't hurt anyone or break anything.

Later that day we headed out to my aunt's house to spend time with the extended family. Tycho was the center of attention, obviously.

I'm so glad it's all over, though. Now that we're into January, my work schedule is settling down into not-so-crazy and I feel like I'm breathing again. (I'm hoping that will allow my body to finally get rid of this cold I've been fighting with little success for the last six weeks or so.) I'm coming off a rejuvenating four day weekend, and I've booked Kyle and I a romantic getaway to Puerto Vallarta next month and we are settling into 2013.

Things that make me happy:

  1. These chairs that I bought today.
  2. This kid, this happy:

Saturday, January 5, 2013

2012, via Instagram

My year through the lens of my crappy iPhone camera:

Tycho's growth curve line at six months.
Tycho on our trip to Las Vegas.
The beginnings of our hair adventures.
All done with cosleeping.
Leaving on a jet plane!
Father's Day
Birthday fun.
Best buds.
Walking! One of the most exciting things that happened last year.
Tycho and our HOUSE!!!
Baby's first ER trip.
This is nursing a toddler.
Mama got a haircut!


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