Christmas Recap

So here it is, the usual rundown of our holiday.

But this year it was anything but usual. We planned to have dinner on Christmas Eve at my parents house, and then host them for breakfast and present-opening with Tycho the next morning.

It was hectic getting things together on time, because this time of year my work schedule is insane, and our house cleaner no-showed the week of and everything was a disaster. We rescheduled with the agency for a cleaner to come on the evening of the 24th, theoretically to clean while we were at dinner. I felt terrible and planned to give her a gazillion dollar tip. Anyway, it's five pm, I'm wrapping presents before we leave for dinner, and Kyle is showing the new cleaner around the house and the power goes out. On Christmas Eve. ON CHRISTMAS EVE. So, we wait for a few, hoping it will come back on, but it looks like the whole block is out, stoplights and everything, and I have zero faith that anything will be done about it in a timely manner.

Be proud of me; I did not panic. We were in no condition to host in the morning, so I called my dad and told him we were moving Christmas there. In the dark (because obviously we don't own flashlights or candles), by the light of Kyle's phone, we packed up all the presents, some still not wrapped, all of our clothes and toiletries, and all of the groceries for breakfast the next morning, while Tycho was watching Daniel Tiger on my phone to keep him from panicking. And it all went... great? Besides Kyle getting the flu, which I suppose isn't so great, but we moved everything more or less without a hitch, and Tycho had a great Christmas.

"Santa" brought Tycho a train set for Christmas, and I didn't want to be overwhelmed with new toys, I asked friends and family to keep it to additions to his set (or, even better, donate to his school, but people like buying THINGS, it seems). I had less than high hopes, but mostly we got a lot of train stuff, and it all fits together in one box and we have both a happy baby and a happy mama.

Two and a half was just the perfect age for Christmas. He loved opening presents, but didn't go bananas and try to tear through everything and was pleasant and excited and adorable and it was wonderful. And I have graduated to full motherhood, because I did not care one bit what might have been under the tree for me because I was having so much fun experiencing everything through him.

Ink

I should probably post a bunch of things about the holidays and this year and whatever, before it is next year, but first, I got a tattoo!

The worst ever Christmas songs.

This year I am having a really hard time getting into the holiday spirit. And the sudden ubiquity of terrible Christmas music certainly isn't helping, either. So, here is a list of Christmas song that I hate, because I am a horrible grinchy asshole. I am also the only person in the world who doesn't like A Charlie Brown Christmas. Anyway, enjoy! Or, like, don't.

1.  Nat "King" Cole - All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth

This song is terrible in general, but it's even worse when sung by an adult male, who does in fact have all of his teeth, and has not even the faintest hint of a lisp. What the fuck is even the point?

2. Josh Groban - Silent Night

Or really anything by Josh Groban. Self importance and children's choirs. No thank you.

3. The Waitresses - Christmas Wrapping

OMG this song. It's not even a song. It's a boring first person narrative about a mediocre holiday season set to obnoxious background music. Eight holiday season in retail listening to this song multiple times daily has driven me to the brink of insanity.

4. Paul McCartney -  Wonderful Christmas Time

This song is just so incredibly stupid. Like I am losing IQ points right now listening to it.

4. Eartha Kitt - Santa Baby

Do I really need to explain why this song is terrible in every possible way? No no no no no.

5.  Marvin Gaye - Purple Snowflakes

What the fuck is this I don't even.

6. Jimmy Eat World - Last Christmas

I actually love the original Wham! version of this song with all of it's delightful cheesiness, but this is the worst cover ever. They don't add any personality to the song (and in fact sap out anything that was there in the first place), and DON'T SING ANY OF THE VERSES AND JUST REPEAT THE CHORUS OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I mean really. Were they too lazy to look up the lyrics and just recorded the parts they already knew? What in the actual fuck?

7. Sheryl Crow - The Christmas Song

Sheryl Crow? Really? Basically any version of this song by a mediocre pop star is just terrible. If you are not like, Bing Crosby or Michael Bublé, just don't even attempt it.

8. Barbra Streisand - Jingle Bells

Go home, Babs, you're drunk.

9. Sleigh Ride

Just any fucking version of this song. I'm still recovering from playing the saxophone part at the winter concert every single year in middle school band. God, this is just the worst.

10. Kay Starr - I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm (STUHR remix)

I don't even have a legitimate reason for hating this song, but it makes me irrationally angry every time I hear it. All day. Every day. Retail, man.

I feel better now that I've gotten that off my chest.

Trick or Treat

So I suppose I should post some of those pictures I referenced in my last post, huh?


We'll start with Halloween. This was our first year going trick-or-treating with Tycho, and also the first year that you can't just stuff him in a vaguely animal themed onesie and be done with it. Costume was going to be an issue, because he won't wear anything on his head, and 99% of costumes for toddlers involve some sort of hood or hat or head piece, so no. And I didn't want to dress him up as just some random thing, and instead something that he would actually be interested in. But the things he is interested in are trains, fish, and Lightning McQueen, and I'm sorry, but I'm just not creative enough for that. But wait... another thing he likes? Candy! Because candy!

When we were kids my sister was an m&m one year so my mom and I copied that costume (scaled down to Tycho size) pretty much exactly. And it was perfect. Nothing on his head, he could just wear his regular clothes underneath, so no worry about it being weather appropriate, and now that Halloween is over I need to remove the straps and he has two m&m pillows for his room, huzzah!

He was... okay... with trick or treating. We had a really rough day on Halloween so he was in a funky mood when we met friends to go door to door. He wasn't interested in wearing his costume and even though I had tried to explain the concept to him, he didn't really grasp what we were about to do But after a couple houses he figured it out pretty easy and it was all groovy. I don't think he ever once said trick-or-treat, and he insisted on being carried between houses for the entire hour we were out and my arms were sore for days, but he had a really good time, and it's going to be a happy memory. Babydude especially liked all the pumpkins. :)

The Best Thing

I have a lot of photo-heavy, low on content stuff to post what with Halloween and Trick or Treating and a trip to the zoo and his big boy haircut and our holiday family pictures, but that is all nothing compared to this.

Tycho talks.

Rocket science! You guys, I was so worried. My stomach was in knots for months as I was waiting and waiting and waiting, first for the language explosion that I was expecting that never came, and then to get him evaluated, and finally to actually get him placed into a program and start doing something. It was an emotional roller coaster, harder than I ever expected parenting to be, and a experience I never would have dreamed I would have.

The months ago Tycho could barely put two words together. He didn't have names for anyone or anything besides mama. He would lose old words every time a new word would appear. And we couldn't communicate effectively and we were all frustrated.

But now. Last night we were eating dinner and Tycho was sitting happily at the table say, "EAT FISH! EAT FISH! MORE FISH! PLEASE FISH!" while he ate. He uses rudimentary sentences. He has names now for Daddy and Arlo and his friend Selby at school and Lighting McQueen and Nemo and Dori and Thomas Train. He has new words every day. He supplies the word "feet" at the appropriate time when I sing him "Part of Your World" at bedtime. (And then he asks for "more song" and I sing him the reprise.) At our more recent trip to the zoo he said "lemur." He knows what a star fish is. I don't think I taught him that.

I am bursting with pride and happiness and gratitude and joy. Really and truly this is amazing and wonderful and I feel like we are able to know so much more of his delightful little personality now that he is able to share with us through his speech. When I think about where we are now and how far we've come I feel like a ball of energy and light. Euphoria. I can't even describe it.

We still have a ways to go but progress is being made and I couldn't be happier.

Hold

I suppose I should post something, at least, before it is next week, because for me, next week is the beginning of the end what with the working retail and holiday season and busybusybusy for the next forever or at least until January.

Things are mostly good, but tonight I am feeling especially emo about the baby thing, you know, that we don't have one yet, not even working on it at this point in time, and man, that sucks. I don't really have anything else to say about it. It sucks. I am sad. Pictures of other peoples babies make me weepy.

This is not going according to plan, my timeline is all blown to hell, we didn't want to space our children this far apart but too bad oh well. You cant schedule real life, I guess.

Insecurity

Most of the time I really do think I am a good mom.

Probably not the best mom of all time or anything. I lose patience, sometimes I yell, sometimes we watch Cars twice in a row because I'm exhausted and need a break, sometimes we go through the drive thru and eat french fries because why not. And none of those things make me a bad parent and I know that.

But sometimes I wonder if everything that's wrong is because of me. Not the things I did wrong, but the things I could have done that I didn't. That instead of throwing balls all the time always because that's what he wanted to do I could have been teaching him letters or colors or whatever else it is he is supposed to know by now that all the other kids somehow know by now that no one told me I was supposed to make sure he knew until he was already supposed to know. Why didn't I know? Why didn't I try to teach him even if I didn't? Does everything have to be educational?

WHY IS THIS PARENTING THING SO HARD?

It seriously leaves me feeling more vulnerable than I ever could have imagined being before.

 

Updates

Oh hey, it's been a while. Things have been good, busy, the usual.

Well not the usual because we got Tycho into school so everything is actually completely different.

That first day was really hard. Really, really hard. I was so nervous about day two, but day two was... so much better? I mean, of course it was better, it would be hard to get worse, but it was a lot better, and every day he has been at school has been a lot better than the last and he is getting the routine down much faster than I thought he would.

Still ironing out some kinks, of course. His behavior is still erratic compared to the other kids in his class, and we are maybe switching his classroom so he'll be around kids closer in age or something and blah blah blah, but we're definitely secure in the feeling that this was the right thing to do, and Boyer was the right choice for a center, and that he is going to like school.

It helped that he all at once took interest in the other kids on day three. It helped immensely with transitions that THEY were all going and WHERE are they going and I want to go TOO. Perfect. And then lots of adorable boy-hugs, which usually turn into crashing on the the ground piles of arms and legs, but who doesn't love that.

Tycho is talking up a storm all of the sudden. It's hard to know, really, if a couple weeks of school and therapy are actually making a difference, or if he's just a late bloomer and he would be all chatty right now regardless, but I don't care. It's is wonderful. He's still not like, caught up, or anything, not even close, but more and more I feel like I am actually communicating with him and he is understanding me and he can tell me what he wants and we are once in a while on the same page and it makes everything so much easier and thank goodness for that. He has all these words and he started (finally!) saying "please" instead of signing and "peese" is my favorite thing ever, and he's starting to say rudimentary sentences like "want candy" (waaan cineee) with like, verbs and stuff and omg omg omg.

I just want to squeeeeeeeeze him.

School

 I really need to learn to manage my expectations.

I was so sure that Tycho was going to love school, and I still think he will, eventually, but he definitely didn't love his first day.

We got to school early to put together his ISFP (Individualized Family Services Plan, like a IEP for the birth to three crowd), and that was fine because there were six of us to pay attention to him and he had a car ineach hand and that was fine. But every single transition after that was a meltdown of epic proportions and he wouldn't help clean up and he wouldn't give up his toys and insisted that every single car in the classroom was MYYYYYYYYYYYYY and stole things from other kids and wouldn't sit still and was generally just as poorly behaved as possible and I know it will get better but it makes me want to never go back.

By the time we left he was so angry that I had to physically hold him down to get him strapped in the car and he screamed 15 minutes of the ride home until he passed out. He took a good long nap, but he has been pretty much screaming hysterically on and off since he woke up. I'm about at that point, too.

This is way too hard.

Thoughts

I've been having trouble sleeping lately. Actually, that's not true. I've been sleeping just fine, once I actually get to bed. But the getting to bed part has been difficult as of late. There has just been so much going on in my head that I am finding it hard to even wind down and relax enough to realize that I am tired. 

It's hard to explain. This whole thing with Tycho and early intervention has done a number on me, but not in the way you might expect. 

I'm not sad about him being behind. I mean I am, but not in a way that keeps me up at night. It is what it is and he is who he is and I'm okay with it and I have been okay with it for quite a while now. And even though parenting him might be harder than parenting the average two-year-old because of the difficulties in communication, that is frustrating, yes, but it doesn't weigh on me. 

Early intervention itself is scary, though. A whole world of unknown that I never imagined I would need to navigate. We never pictured ourselves as parents to a special needs child. I still don't really think of Tycho that way anyway, but I guess right now he kind of is, as his needs are greater than average right now. Looming over us is the enormity of the responsibility of being his advocate through all of this. Of making sure his is getting the extra he requires in a world that he won't automatically fit into. 

Who knows, really, at this point if this is temporary or if its something larger that will last us into his school years. But my one great hope here is that this delay is just a delay and not something bigger and that in a year or three you'd never know the difference and that we won't be dealing with IEPs in high school. 

Whatever it is, is of course fine. He is my son and nothing in the world can change that. But I feel so unprepared to be the kind of parent he needs right now, that he might need in the future. I knew that being a mother wasn't going to be easy, but I didn't know it was going to be this hard. 

*and then he interrupts my 1am blogpost with a faint wail of "mama" and when I go  into check on him he wordlessly hands me his blanket and crawls back into bed so I can tuck him in again and this is all too much and I cry. 

Game Over?

Another thing that happened? After yet another 35-day cycle, I got my period. Again. And so we're done trying to make another baby. For now, anyway. We're going to be taking a trip to see my sister in France next summer, so this cycle was the cutoff and now I have to figure out how pregnant I am okay with being when we go and figure out what conception date matches and then we can try again, probably in December or January.

I am NOT HAPPY. I went off birth control back in January, and I never imagined it would take this long for me to get pregnant again. I mean, it's partly the fault of crazy schedules and my cycle being all over the place, and it's not that there's any real underlying problem or anything, but still. It's been nine months. This should be easier.

I am mourning the two to three-year age gap that we were planning on that is now impossible and I am upset that my sister won't get to meet her new niece or nephew until who knows when the next time she will be in the states is and I'm not looking forward to having to use contraception because bleh.

Also if I do get pregnant right when we start trying again I will have the least ideal due date for taking maternity leave while working in retail and I will make my boss hate me. Awesome.

Grump grump grump.

We're in!

Oh dearest blog, I am having some emotions here.

We had Tycho's group evaluation yesterday. God, yesterday seems like a million years ago. Anyway. We took him to the clinic and had Tycho play with an educator and an occupational therapist and a speech language pathologist while they asked us some questions. This was the big one, where they decided whether or not we qualified for services and I was so worried that he had picked up just enough new skills in the couple weeks since our home visit that he would still be behind but just barely not qualifying.

Well not to worry.

When they went over results with us, the therapists all spoke so softly, as if not to break our poor little parental hearts, and I almost had to laugh, because we've known we've had a problem since maybe January and I'd already gone through the whole emotional roller coaster and landed squarely in acceptance. Or so I thought.

But after we got home and I put the babe down for his nap I sat down with his results and cried. Because, I mean, look at those numbers. I knew he was behind and I was okay and I am SO excited that we're finally moving forward to get him help and get him to where he needs to be. But I hadn't really had it all quantified so neatly before me. In five out of seven categories he is in the very bottom percentile and that really shocked me and awoke my angry inner mama bear and... I don't know.

I am feeling very emotionally fragile and weepy coming out of our evaluation. Really, I'm pleased with the results. Not only does he qualify for speech and occupational therapy, but he also will get to participate in their classroom services, which I really think he will love, and I think the structured learning environment will be amazing for him, and I'm so glad we're finally getting started but I also just feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me.

Parenting is hard in a way I could never ever have imagined or prepared for.

Mama & Me

How about a lazy and vain blog post? Yes, another one.

My BFF Ashley is re-launching her photography business, and asked me if I wanted to to a mom & me session to help build her portfolio. And then amazing things happened:

She is so talented and my kid is so cute and these are so wonderful and then my heart exploded. The end.

Lightning!

One of the things we were asked at Tycho's assesment last week was if he names any of his favorite playmates or characters (Elmo, Dora, whatever). He definitely says Arlo, but that's it, and they wanted to see at least two, so we scored a "no" on that point. It didn't seem that strange to me, as he doesn't even watch much television, except he asks to watch Cars all day everyday.

It's his best buddy's favorite movie, too, and Arlo is always a good influence. Today he rubbed off on Tycho, and my little dude now says "McQueen"!

Tycho was heartbroken that he couldn't take Arlo's die-cast Lightning McQueen home with him today and I was so proud of him for learning that name that I may have gone a little overboard with the Amazon Prime...

Evaluation

Tycho had his initial assessment this morning. It went well. 

I was having stomach-churning anxiety about the whole thing. I mean, not about Tycho. He couldn't mess it up because all he had to do was be himself, but the assessment was a home visit and home visits freak me right the fuck out. I know that they are not there to judge me on whether or not there is cat hair on the couch, but still.  But our house was clean and our child as bathed and my hair was pink and I momentarily regretted not waiting until next week so that I could appear to be a responsible adult but our intake nurse was very nice and everything was fine.

Tycho was amazing. I mean, not like, advanced, because he's not and that's the whole point, but he was more or less cooperative with the assessment games. I was pleasantly surprised. There was definitely a significant chance that he would just throw a screaming tantrum throughout the entire process, so any amount of participation from him was delightful. And he didn't spend the entire time pointing at the television begging to watch Cars and making me look like an asshole who sits him in front of the tv all the time as was my fear so that was good.

The verdict? Just as we expected, he is delayed in multiple areas. He is not quite at the 25% delay cutoff for speech, though, but he will hopefully still be able to get therapy for that. We don't know yet.  This is a gazillion-step process apparently, so next we take him to the clinic for a group evaluation where all the therapists and whoever see what he can do and then they will make their official recommendations and then we get to deal with the whole insurance coverage hullabaloo, which I already know will be stupid because my insurance only covers speech therapy for children with an autism spectrum disorder and not for regular old run of the mill speech delays apparently so we will get denied and have to go through the state aid process and blah blah blah blah blah. 

Anyway. I'm have some emotions about it all right now. Maybe it's the wine talking. I am actually really pleased with today's results, they are pretty much what I expected and wanted to see but the reality of entering THE SYSTEM is settling and ack. But I'm glad to be one step closer to actually doing anything. 

Phew. 

more vanity

I was bored, so....

Frustration

Tycho's developmental assessment next week really can't come soon enough. He talks constantly, but I mostly have not a single idea what he is trying to tell me and we are both utterly frustrated with each other and all I want is to get started working on getting him to a better place.

At the same time, though, I'm so incredibly nervous. I've invited people to come into my home and judge me and that is scary and I'm worried that he has made just enough progress in the last month that he won't actually qualify for services but he'll still be clearly behind and we'll all be going crazy but we won't be able to find a way to afford private therapy for him and we'll be stuck like this and he won't reach his full potential and and and.

Just gotta get to next Wednesday.

The next phase

So, I have a two-year-old now. I've been saying I had a two year old for a couple of weeks now, because that's easier, but now, really and truly. I am trying to stop calling him a baby because he is two and he sleeps in a real bed and he eats food like a grown-ass person, and we haven't been nursing for approximately a billion years now, and even though his speech is still lacking, he often does make his opinions known and he has this little personality that is his and his alone and it is kind of amazing.

This is my favorite age ever. I know I always say that, but that is because I like him better and better the older he gets. Because he gets more and more awesome.

It's been six months, give or take a few days, but I finally got another picture of him with his birthday bear today. I stopped doing them monthly at 18 months because he just wouldn't stay in one place, and while he still changes so much so fast, it was getting harder to notice on a monthly basis. So, here he is, in all his two-year-old glory:

He's grown up a lot since last time.

His birthday was really fun. We had a non-party party. Just those closest to us over for dinner and cake and presents and vegan ice cream for this poor dairy sensitive kid. He's finally catching on to the whole presents concept. Watching his eyes almost pop out of his skull at each amazing! thing! was so much fun for me.

His special gift from Kyle and I was baseball gear. His own mitt, tee, and bat. I maybe shouldn't have been, but I was shocked how he seem to grasp the tee concept right away. Not perfectly, mind you, but the pretty basic put ball on tee, knock it off with bat was right up his chubby little alley.

He took it to bed with him that night and slept with it and we woke up in the morning to him beating down his door with it. Sigh.

TWO!!!

Dear Tycho,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE MAN! You turned two today! I can hardly believe it!

I said I wasn't going to have a party this year, just dinner at home with family, but dinner at home with family IS a party. Grandma and Opa and tante Annika and Julien and Yoann and Anna and John and of course Shea and Ashley and your best buddy Arlo all came over to eat tacos with us and celebrate YOU. Because you're so awesome.

You loved all your presents this year. Mostly sports equipment. You're sleeping with your new baseball bat right now. I love that you've such a distinct personality. Everyone knew just what to get you!

What a two years it's been! You've changed my life totally and completely and every day it gets even better. I can't wait to see what your third year brings!

Love, Mama

Big kid, big bed

Yesterday I got up early, went to get Tycho up before he could hurl himself out of his crib again, and already when I walked in he had one leg over the rail.  Good thing I had the day off (and a couple hundred extra bucks lying around) for an emergency IKEA trip. 

Tycho wasn't super interested in bed testing or picking out sheets at the store, but after we got home and I got it assembled he was all about his big boy bed and his CARS! bedding. He jumped right in and bounced around and squealed and laughed. 

Bed time wasn't too bad. Had to go back into his room to calm him down several times, but I was expecting that with his new environs. I figured it would take a week to get him settled with a new bedtime routine, but tonight he went to sleep with no hassle whatsoever. Well then.

I just peeked in on him sleeping. He is all sprawled out across the bed like he's some kind of teenager. My mama feelings are all out of control. Baby dude turns two tomorrow (well, actually, today, but you know).  Where has all the time gone?

My Big Kid

So this morning, I'm lazing in bed and I hear Tycho start whining. I'm preparing to get up, but the whining stops. Silence. Roll over and go back to sleep. But a few minutes later I wake up again, this time to hysterical screaming. Rush into Tycho's room and... he's standing in the middle of the floor, sobbing?

It took me a minute because I was so unprepared to see him anywhere other than in his crib. But I guess he can climb out now. He wasn't hurt, I don't think, but he was probably even more freaked out than me. We're going on an emergency IKEA shopping trip in the morning.

When did he stop being a baby?

Say Cheese

The other night Tycho toddled over with my phone and handed it to me. "Peepees!" I tried to help him open one of his favorite games (Doodle Jump and Angry Birds, if you were wondering), but he just kept handing it back to me. "Peepees. Peepees!"

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, CHILD?

After a couple minutes, I figured out that peepees is pictures. Pictures! He wants to take pictures with me!!! THE CUTE! I DIE!

And so, lately my instagram is full of Tycho-mama selfies. This is my favorite phase ever.

Grainy, but I love them.

Life's a Beach

And now for some happier things

BFF Ashley decided last week that she wanted to go to the beach. And that she wanted me to come with her. So we packed up the boys and the iPads and a hundred pounds of snacks and headed out on the 3+ hour drive to the peninsula. Ashley's aunt owns a house out in Moclips that we used as our home base for the day and got the boys some beach time.

It was Tycho's first time seeing the Pacific Ocean. It was awesome.

Searching

By the way, it is pretty much impossible to successfully google for information on non-autism developmental delays because the Internet is oversaturated with autism information. You know, just in case you were wondering. 

Delay reaction

I can't believe I haven't posted about this yet. 

Well, I can, because as a parent your ego gets all wrapped up in milestones and your kid's behavior in public and so on, and because you love him so much that all you want to do is brag about the good things and maybe vent about the hard stuff, but you keep the darkness behind closed doors because feelings. But I'm pretty sure this is why I have a blog in the first place and I have way too many feels and need to put them somewhere. 

Tycho is... behind. I've had a feeling for a while. For a long time, actually. 

I mean, as a first time mom you're always hyper aware of milestones and obsessing over whether all his activities are enriching and educational and whatever and you feel guilty if you let him watch tv and you wonder when he doesn't roll over and you gloat when he smiles at only four weeks because even though it has nothing to do with you it feels like it has everything to do with you. 

At some point I banished those weekly babycenter emails with an inbox filter and it was good for me to just focus on my kid and what he was actually doing versus what some website hypothesized. But around 18 months I peeked in that folder for the first time in ages, and... panicked. He was supposed to have all these words and he didn't, not really anyway, and and and omg. All of these emotions hit me all at once and I was a ball of anxiety. But at his 18 month checkup the doctor said he was still within the range of normal, and we should wait and see how he was doing at two. 

I did really good with the wait and see. I backed off and I stopped reading those babycenter emails and I let Tycho just be Tycho and do things on his own time and be himself and stopped worrying. Or at least I stopped letting the worrying consume me. Wait and see, wait and see.

But two is fast approaching and that anxiety and worry is creeping back in and up my shoulders and around my neck and I'm paying close attention to my friends' children near his age and its become really clear that something just isn't right. 

Tycho still doesn't talk much.  He has some words, but not a lot more than he did six months ago, and some he was using regularly are all but gone now. He doesn't use most of his signs anymore. A two word phrase? Are you crazy? Communication with him sucks, to be perfectly honest. He is frustrated and I am frustrated and there are tears on both sides. He certainly hasn't had the language explosion that everyone talks about. There are other things too. He can't jump or walk down stairs. He doesn't pretend to talk on the phone or comb his hair. He never ever draws with crayons or stacks blocks.

I know it's not autism, though. He's definitely not on the spectrum. Eye contact and baby-flirting with strangers are his specialties. So that's good, I guess. 

But still, it's so hard. It's stupid, but I just kind of assumed that Kyle and I would produce a baby super genius. And we didn't and I don't know how to deal. Every post from one of my mama friends on Facebook bragging about their children's achievements feels like a personal affront. I want to brag about my kid, too, but I can't because he should have learned to use a spoon a year ago and it's not impressive anymore. 

When I do express concern, casually, to my mom or a friend I usually get shut down.  He's fine, he's perfect. But no, he's not and I want to be taken seriously because when everyone denies the possibility that he could be delayed I feel crazy and paranoid and helpless. 

I looked at the 24 months ASQ tonight, and he's under the cutoff in all categories to be evaluated. And even though that's bad, it's good too, because its validating. We'll take him to his two year checkup and we'll get a referral for a specialist and he'll be evaluated and we'll get him into EI and we'll get help and it will be good. And I am happy about that. 

Independence Day, and why having children is awesome.

Yesterday was the Fourth of July. Yesterday was the first Fourth of July since I was three that I haven't watched the fireworks over Lake Union from my parents' house. Except for that one year when I was fifteen and thought my parents were totally uncool and I went to Gasworks Park with every other person in Seattle. And that night I learned that my parents' party was in fact way, way cooler than anything else I could do. But my parents sold the house this spring, so no party for me. 

The Fourth is probably my favorite holiday after Thanksgiving. Not because I am especially patriotic or anything, but it was always a big deal for us, the one day every year my dad made worstenbroodjes from scratch. And fire works! So I was super bummed this year. No plans, had to work until 7 anyway. But last minute I had Kyle come with the baby and meet me on the other side of the lake in Sammamish. And it was perfect and Tycho danced to the band and got a balloon and ate kettle corn and oohed appropriately at the fireworks and I loved every minute of him loving it.

Tycho found a mom throwing a (tiny, nerf) football with her son, and decided he wanted to get in on that action. (His own ball and his own mother both proved far less interesting.) They took pity on the poor kid and let him throw their ball. I got to talking with the mom when she complimented his throwing technique (he will hit you square in the chest every time), and it turns out they are a big baseball family, too and she was from Cleveland! I love that Tycho found just the right people for us to chat with. Kyle invited his husband to bring their kids down to hi baseball facility. 

Babies are so awesome. Without Tycho it would have just been me and Kyle quietly sitting in a damp patch of grass. Life is so much more with him. Happy Birthday, America!