Friday, November 23, 2012

Thanksgiving, a day late.

Thanksgiving was good. I was really excited that Tycho would be able to taste everything this year, but he was cranky and ended up napping though dinner. Oh well. He got to try everything tonight with leftovers.

Otherwise, though he was awesome. He gave everyone hugs and kisses, most especially Olivia, my cousin's six month old. Lots and lots and lots of kisses. It was adorable. And did nothing to help with my baby rabies. Le sigh.

Anyway, I am thankful for a lot of things this year. I don't really want to go to the trouble to write them all out right now, because I am lazy, but I am going to force myself, because I think waiting it all out gives me time to really feel the gratitude, and that's important. So here's the list:

1. Tycho. Obviously he is my number one. Not just one my thanksgiving list, but in my life in general. I know I'm a total broken record about how he's so awesome right now and how he keeps getting more awesome, etc., etc., but really, it's the truth. And not only is he awesome, but his obvious love for me gives me life. I expected to be head over heels in love with my kid, but I could never imagine how being loved by him would feel. It's really cool.

2. Kyle. I am super lucky to have found someone who gets me, who loves me, and who works with me to be us. It can be bumpy at times, of course, but in the end we both value what we have and we do what we can to be the best possible partners for each other. It's not always storybook romantic, but I will take stability and partnership over romance any day. And we fit some romance in too.

3. Our house. We are finally in our home and it is AMAZING. There is still a lot of work to be done, and some straggling boxes we have yet to unpack, and I have barely begun to even think about decorating, but having our own space is so so so great, and our neighborhood is perfect, and I am so happy here.

4. My parents. I'm thankful for them for myriad reasons, not least of all because they are financing us so that we can own our home. That's number one of the list of reasons my parents are awesome right now.

5. My job. Not gonna lie, my job can be a thankless pain in the ass, but still I am grateful for it. Despite my frustrations, I really do like what I do. I am engaged and energized at work. I have a great boss and awesome employees, and yeah, a terrible commute, but it's okay. I'm so lucky to get pretty amazing health insurance through my job (no copays! 100% covered preventative care!), which means I never have to worry if I can afford to take my kid to the doctor when he is sick, and since I get coverage for our whole family, Kyle can pursue his dreams without having to worry about what the benefits package looks like.

6. Ashley. I truly have the best best friend ever. She watches Tycho for us while I am at work, and that is nothing short of amazing. Not only does she charge us less that daycare would, but she is totally flexible with my crazy work schedule, and she loves Tycho to pieces. I never ever worry have to worry about him when he is with her, and that allows me to really be present and successful at work. I'm am also infinitely lucky that we got to have babies together and that Tycho gets to spend his days with his own baby best friend. Watching them grow together is crazy awesome.

7. Lastly, the Internet. This probably sounds silly after the rest of my list, but really, it's on there. Modern technology has brought me so much, not least of all my husband, and by consequence my family. It also introduced me to my wonderful community of "imaginary friends", more of whom are becoming real all the time. These women keep me grounded and supported through the highs and lows of my life. They offer me love, humor, wisdom, and a sense if community I didn't even know I was missing. I had to gather them from all over the world, but finding my people means so so much.

That is a lot of things. I am lucky.

Friday, November 16, 2012

I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want

I really want... another baby? I think? Maybe?

It feels a little crazy. A month ago I was still firmly in the NO WAY NO HOW NOT NOW camp. Which is, I am pretty sure, where my dear husband is still. It kind of snuck up on me. Maybe it's that now Tycho's sleeping through the night, maybe since he's now so clearly a little kid and no longer a baby, maybe I'm finally ovulating again since we're nursing (slightly) less. Maybe.

I can just go back and read my old blog posts and know that pregnancy made me sick and that the newborn stage was so hard and I know that we're finally settling into a good groove here and finding our sea legs and blah blah blah some other such analogy, but I'm feeling all nostalgic about it all right now. I miss sharing my body with my baby, miss being one person, just the two of us. I miss being his whole entire world, both when he was on the inside, and later on the outside, too. Now he has so much more beyond just me, and that is good, wonderful even, but different, and I'm feeling all melancholy.

We're not really quite ready yet. We're going to take ourselves on a grown up vacation, without Tycho (yay for grandmas!) in February, We haven't decided officially yet, but probably Hawaii. But after that, I think I'm ready to get my IUD taken out and see what happens.


Wednesday, November 14, 2012

the boy these days

Like I said yesterday, time is just flying by. I woke up one day and all of a sudden I have this... kid. He walks. Runs, really. He can say mama and ball and kitty and cookie and uh oh, and he knows that signs for milk and more and all done and he waves bye bye and he will give me kisses and hugs when prompted. He sleeps through the night now. Just like that, nothing we did, but now he doesn't wake up anymore and I don't even know when that happened. When it's time for a bath he takes off his own shirt and steps out of his pants for me. If he wants to read he'll bring me a book and sit next to me and if he doesn't like the book that I've picked he'll bring me another one instead. Magic.

It's a hard time, too. He throws tantrums now when he can't get his way. He doesn't know how to control his emotions and his little body and he throws his cup at me and sweeps everything off the coffee table in anger and wails and he writhes around on the floor and I offer hugs and kisses, but it's not what he wants and I wait it out, and I think I am doing the right thing, but thoughts get muddled through all the screaming.

He's turning out to be a pretty cool guy, though, I must say. He really really really loves the cats, and when he can chase them down he likes to give them big hugs and rub his face in their fur. He likes pressing buttons, which means that sometimes he turns the laundry off mid-cycle. Cars go "vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv". So do boats. He points and asks "wassat?" about anything and everything. Sometimes he will hold my hand and walk in more or less the direction I need us to go, so I don't need to break my back carrying him around so much anymore. He thinks I'm so funny. I think he's so cool.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012



It's this time of year, a lot of it. Last year I was still on maternity leave during the pre-holiday heavy workload time of year, so I could write infinite posts full of Tycho pictures, but this year I got a promotion and I'm so busy at work and I have a toddler at home and I can't just type with one hand while nursing anymore. I want to blog because I want to capture my life right now because I know that next year (or even next month) I will have forgotten so much of what right now is like. Because it all changes so fast.

But here I am trying.

Tycho at 15 months

Sometimes after Tycho goes to bed at night, or on my lunch break at work on my phone, I like to go through old photos and reminisce. Not old old. Back to this spring or even just to his birthday. That was over three months ago now. It feels like it was yesterday. But then I look back at these pictures and I see this tiny baby boy that I barely recognize. He is already a completely different person, and did his hair really grow that much in such a short time? I remember it already being so long then.

I watch old videos from when he was tiny. Before he could crawl or walk or even sit up by himself. I don't even remember that time. How did this all happen?

That's motherhood, I guess. I need to be better at this. I take tons of pictures, and I'm so happy that I have each and every one of them, but I also need more than just these snapshots. I need to save my experience of what it feels like to be right here in this moment with my 479-day-old little boy, because tomorrow everything might be different.

But at the same time I'm trying also to carve out time for me to just be Astrid and not mama, and I want to prioritize my marriage and alone time with my husband, and I want to be the best that I can at work, and all of these things are so hard to balance. Never mind doing the laundry or sweeping the floor or actually decorating our new home.

I think I'm doing a pretty good job. I'm mostly happy in all the facets of me. I am a good mother. My baby boy thinks I am the best thing ever. THE. BEST. Period. Nothing tops mama. But sometimes he refuses even me kisses. It's okay. I'm doing great at work, and generally feel energized about being there. I know my job isn't, in the grand scheme of things, very important or meaningful, but I like what I do. I go on dates with my husband once in a while. We are planning a trip just the two of us for after the holidays. Somewhere warm. Maybe Hawaii. Just me is in there somewhere too. Things are good. Now is good. Just hope I can remember it all.

Sunday, November 4, 2012


Well okay. We took Tycho to the emergency room today.  He had an allergic reaction to his antibiotic.

Seriously, I almost peed my pants when we got up this morning and he was covered in this rash. And the fever. OMG. Those Mama-bear instincts are serious business. I am very proud of myself, though. I didn't cry or panic, and we calmly got ready to go and took him in.

No waiting. I had barely checked him in and they whisked us back to a room. Never had emergency service so fast. At least, though, this was mostly straightforward. He is allergic to sulfa. We just barely finished his antibiotics (last dose this morning before we left), and now we're onto a round of steroids and Benedryl.

He is such a wonderful kid. He is in great spirits despite everything, although just looking at his little swollen body makes me want to cry.


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