Saturday, May 29, 2010

The cat's out of the bag.

So I didn't intend on telling sister or our parents that I am not using birth control anymore, but sister is home for the long weekend and I was at my parents' house for dinner last night and holy hell am I ever terrible at keeping secrets. Sister is angry at me because she wants me to be unpregnant to come visit her in France. According to her, it is impossible to have a good time in Europe unless you are drinking wine.

My family also fails to understand the difference between us forgoing birth control and actually, you know, trying. With the having sex all the time and on the appropriate days and all that business. So they gave me a hard time about that. And about the hypothetical baby names husband and I have agreed on and hey, I guess this is why I didn't plan on telling anyone until I had good news(!!) to share. Too late now.

In other news, husband and I ventured back to my dear gynecologist to discuss "family planning," as the nurse so politely put it. After which she remarked how young we are. God, I get tired of hearing that. Doctor assured us that getting pregnant should be quick and easy and we talked about all the thing I already know, like how sushi is verboten, so yesterday I most definitely ate sushi for lunch. I probably will continue to do so on a regular basis until there is a possibility of pregnancy because sushi, you will be greatly missed. Now I just need to get me some prenatal vitamins.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


Hello Reader! (OMG! I have a reader!) Hello Readers would probably have a nice ring to it, but as it is I am only aware of one (hi!), and I am not fancy enough to like, track hits or whatever. Nor do I care. (Actually I am completely vain and I do but oh well.)

So, privacy. I started this blog mostly anonymously, because the whole baby-making thing isn't "out" yet (although I don't exactly keep it a secret either), and because I don't want random sixth-grade class mates Googling me and finding this and then posting about it on Facebook, and I probably don't really have to worry about anyone caring enough to Google me anyway.

But should I get pregnant, I'm going to want to post about ten gazillion pictures of my now flat stomach and then my slightly less flat stomach and then ever expanding belly, and then of course pictures of my hypothetical future baby and I'll want to tell you (oh, sole reader) the name we decide on, and other such details and I won't really be anonymous anymore, will I?

I guess we will have to cross that bridge when we come to it.

I'm pretty boring right now. i am working all the time, and therefor I am completely exhausted all the time that I am not working, and I spend a lot of time contemplating my cervical mucus and silently willing it to become more fertile. Really exciting, I know.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

My husband is a philistine.

I tried to watch Moulin Rouge with him tonight. About 20 minutes in he claimed it was the third worst movie he had ever seen. I let him go about half way through because he was checking Facebook updates on his iPhone every three seconds, and it was terrible and distracting and I cried by myself.

I think at one point husband may have been a romantic, but I think that point was about five years ago. Whatever.

In other news, coming off of hormones sucks a big bag of dicks, as my roommate might say. Seriously. I didn't really imagine that I would even notice a change, considering how small of a dose they are, but this weeks has been trying for me. The first day I had a really strange headache and felt like I was in a fog. Then the past several days I have been grumpy as all hell, and in the mood to pick a fight with everyone. The other night I told husband it might be best if he went out with friends, because I was in such a mean mood, and then I think I complained that he didn't make me dinner.

I also had to go shopping for feminine hygiene products for the first time in approximately ten thousand years and I think it took me twenty minutes to pick out panty liners. I AM NOT USED TO BLEEDING FROM MY VAGINA. And I don't like it. Even though all I'm doing right now is spotting. God help me if I get an actual period. Looks like yet another reason I need to get pregnant.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

All systems go!

I really ought to be sleeping right now, as I have to be at work at six am, which because I am incredibly vain means being awake pre-four a.m. in order to shave my legs and dry my hair and slather on copius amounts of makeup so that I can look really nice for all the other early morning metro riders. Yet here I am, tapping away on my iPhone, beaming in the darkness.

I cannot sleep because I am pretty much thrilled out of my pants. After buying husband a post-difficult job interview ice cream cone we stopped at Albertson's for such staples as cat food and Coke Zero, and husband tells me, as we walk past the dairy cooler, that he had been thinking about babies. On his own! Without any obnoxious whiny wife-prodding! Say what? And then husband informed me that he feels like he will be ready for this procreating business just as soon as his job situation settles down (i.e. he finds a job he likes better than his current), and maybe we should move up this "trying" business to August. August!

I'm thinking that this may in fact be the most romantic thing he's ever said to me. Seriously, I wanted to jump him right there next to the cans of Friskies. And this is not just sexy in the oh, well we'll probably need to do that pesky intercourse thing to actually concieve said babies kind of way, but in a deeply lustful, I just had my IUD removed and there's no way I've built up a pregnancy supporting uterine lining yet, but please take me here and now oh baby, oh baby kind of way.

Alas, husband already made plans to discuss potential job opening with a friend (yes in the middle of the night, why not?) and therefor left me alone in bed where I should probably be sleeping. Really, though, I can't. Babies babies babies babies babies! My cheeks hurt from smiling. Babies! Soon! I feel like I am a completely different person than I was last month.

Maybe I will still be awake when husband gets home...

Monday, May 17, 2010

A brief history of my reproductive life

The 1980s:  Somewhere around age 3 or 4 I told my mother that I was going to have 100 babies; 50 boys and 50 girls, obviously. She talked me down to ten, five of each sex.

First Grade: One day we were supposed to come to school dressed up as what we wanted to be when we grew up. There were lots of artists and baseball players. I think I was a ballerina. I remember scoffing at the girl who dressed up as a mommy, because lol at her for having no further career aspirations.

Middle & High School: I was pretty sure I was going to have kids someday, because that is what people do. However, any daydreaming I did about my future was completely absent of offspring. Sometimes I was a lawyer driving a fancy car; or I was an anthropologist in Italy, digging up the rest of the ruins of Pompeii.

June 2003: Lose virginity. Immediately get on the pill. Have a lot of bad teenage sex.

May 2004: Fall in love with husband on the internet from a million miles away. Briefly I am horrified when I assume that he is probably childfree. Cry. He assures me that this is not the case.

August 19, 2004: Husband came to visit me for the first time. He is perfect. And my mother likes him.

December 2004: Husband comes to visit me for the second time. This is the third weekend we've ever spent together. He tells me he thinks he is going to marry me. I swoon. I imagine how beautiful and amazing our (1/4 Japanese) babies will be.

2005: I think about having babies with Husband a lot. I am paranoid that I will subconsciously sabotage my birth control. Look into more effective options.

January 2006: Husband moves to Seattle to be with me. We move in together. Things are less amazing than I imagined they would be.

February 2006: Have IUD inserted. Husband and I agree that we will start making babies when it is scheduled to be removed in 2011. I want to be married for a few years before I have babies, so I hope to get married by the summer of 2007. Start bugging husband about marriage. We adopt kittens. Husband is adorable when he cuddles and baby talks to them. I imagine how even more adorable he will be as a father. Daydream a lot about our babies.

August 2007: Husband and I are still not married. Not even engaged. Husband has changed a lot in moving to Seattle, and is not sure anymore that he wants to get married any time soon. We fight a lot. After several months of thing clearly not working we break up. I move out. We split up the cats.

September 2007: I move into a studio by myself. I've completely stopped thinking about babies, except for occasionally wondering how I am going to have them before I am 40 if I don't even have a boyfriend, much less a husband yet. But there is no longing, no burning desire, no constant brain takeover anymore.

December 2007: Husband I reconnect; he misses me. We go on a date, but I want to be sure he's serious. We plan to officially get back together when he comes home from spending the holidays with his family in Ohio.

January 2008: I pick husband up at the airport and bring him back to my place for lunch. I ask him how soon we can get married. He agrees to "now." I confirm that we can still have babies on the original scheduled we had agreed to when he first moved here. We are engaged! Everything is rainbows and unicorns.

July 24, 2008:

January 2009: I decide that I will spend 2010 "getting ready" to get pregnant. This will include taking out my nipple ring to let that ish heal before I have to breastfeed, getting my IUD removed, and cutting my caffeine consumption. I start buying baby books. BFF gets on the baby-train with me and we talk about it ALL. THE. TIME.

August 2009: Start asking husband "Can we have a baby?" pretty much every other day. At least. Ask him all the time what he thinks of various possible baby names. He thinks I am crazy.

January 1, 2010:  Take nipple ring out, right on schedule. I am sad, but not that sad.

Early 2010: Suddenly realize that baby-making time isn't in the distant future anymore. Commence internal freak-out. Bug husband about babies a lot less. Avoid making an appointment for my IUD removal. Change subject every time BFF brings it up, which is all the time. She thinks I am being weird.

April 2010: Come to terms with the whole baby-happening-soon thing. Now that I'm okay with it, I don't want to have to wait any longer. WANT BABY NOW. Try and convince husband to move up baby-makin' date. Only manage a month.

May 2010: Apparently everyone I know is having a baby. BFF just found out she is pregnant, too. Husband thinks I am just jealous, but I am not. I am happy for them, but I am so so so sad that I am not in their company. I can't think of anything other than having a baby. It's in my head all. the. time. Make appointment to (finally) get IUD removed.


So I got it out today. Welcome back to fertility for the first time since age seventeen! But the biggest victory came a couple days ago. After a couple really tearful (on my part) conversations about how badly I want to have a baby, and how I can't think about anything else, and how I am so tired of waiting, and how the seven months until December seems like eternity, husband agreed to change The Plan.

So instead of condoms or whatever-the-fuck we were going to use at birth control now that my lovely uterine friend is gone we are going to just let nature take it's course. Because, as I mentioned to husband, we probably won't get pregnant anyway, considering how rarely we manage to actually have sex. And if nothing happens by, say, October, I guess we'll actually start trying.

Basically I am dying of happiness. Rainbows and unicorns, people! I'm trying really hard not to bombard husband with baby talk because he is being so accommodating, but it's all I want to talk about, because hi! I am fertile again! I could ovulate at any moment! BAAAAAAABIEEEES!!! Yeah.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

All I really want is a syrphid fly.

Oh, and that pesky reproduction thing.

So I realized just now as I started to write that blogging about insect catching could possibly be even more boring than blogging about wanting babies. However, that will not stop me in either of those pursuits. At least not for now.

The weather has blossomed into magical summertime in Seattle lately, and if you haven't been to Seattle when it is perfect, let me explain what I mean by perfect. The sky is legit blue. If there are clouds around they are big and happy and puffy and look like a really excellent place to take a nap. It isn't too hot. It's never too hot. Maybe one day a year, on average, but really, it is perfect skirt and a tank top, leave your jacket at home, but don't worry too much about turning into a sticky sweaty mess weather. There is usually a slight breeze. Everything is green and happy and alive. Because there are trees everywhere. Because this is Seattle. And we like trees.

But anyway. Perfection.

Yesterday I got home from work at nearly 9 am, after working a horrible ten and a half hours overnight, my third overnight shift in a row. (P.S. I am not cut out for graveyards.) My store is in the middle of a six month or so remodel of doom, and we moved in to "phase two" this past week, which meant basically moving everything that ever existed somewhere else. Fun. (Really!) But also completely exhausting. So I blasted old-school Backstreet Boys all the way home so that I wouldn't pass out in the middle of traffic. And as I said, I returned home, ready to die, at eight-something-or-other to husband just waking up, claiming that he felt sick and emailing his boss to explain his absence. And then husband went back to bed with me, bless his wimpy little heart.

When we woke five hours later it was perfect out, so I showered and threw on a skirt and we picked up lunch to eat at the beach. Amazing.

Today has been slightly less amazing, though. The weather is still perfect, of course, but I had to return again to work, and my brain is still not completely functional from the earlier part of this week. Most of my day involved lifting heavy boxes and moving them from one place to another, sweating and grunting in front of hot construction worker. My job is very glamorous, I tell you. But luckily for me I work my stupid butt off this week so I had to leave after half the day to avoid overtime. Bought dresses for sister's graduation and for BFF's wedding. And lots of things with floral print, because flowers are my one true love right now.

My lovely little kitten (or at least he was a kitten two and a half years ago) greeted me outside and I sat in the backyard with him. And then... a syrphid fly! Can I just tell you how much I love syrphid flies? Love! They may be my favorite insects ever. They tend to be bee and wasp mimics, meaning they look like bees and wasps, or more accurately, like cartoon drawings of bees and wasps.

But really they are not bees, they are flies. And as such they have no stingers. They do all the lovely things bees do like have stripes and buzz around the garden and pollinate flowers without any of the "bad" bee characteristics, like stinging babies and living in giant colonies in your barn. And they hover. They are amazing and magical little helicopters.

Also what makes syrphid flies more awesome than practically anything else is that they have a "spurious vein" in their wings, which is one way to identify them. It's just a fake non vein little crease thing, which is not very exciting, but it's called a spurious vein! Amazing!

I wish I had a spurious anything. But alas, I am not as cool as a syrphid fly. I try to catch the syrphid fly, because it is amazing, and because I don't have one in my new collection because I just started it in a month. But, as I mentioned before, syrphid flies are amazing and therefor faster and smarter than me, which means there is no hope for me catching one without a malaise trap or at least a net. Not a complete waste, though, because I am strange and find great pleasure in chasing insects around my yard with my cats.

The afternoon has taken a turn for the worse, though, as I am image searching bugs on Google and eating a giant bag of Rolos.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Meta-Blogging and Other Things

So it seems that blogging is not quite as much fun if you don't receive any comments. It's probably why I can never consistently keep a diary or a journal for more than a week. I suppose if I am uninterested in my real life peeps making their way here then I will have to comment on other people's blogs in the hopes that they find me even the slightest bit interesting and maybe sneak a peek over here and then don't think I am totally and incredibly boring.

I've never really fancied myself a writer. I know I'm not a bad writer by any means, but I'm pretty sure I'm not in really very spectacular, either. It's more stream of consciousness, and I think I write exactly the way I talk. I've been told once or twice that I talk the way I write, but I'm pretty sure it's the other way around. Either that or I end up sounding like a stodgy British professor man. But that's mostly when I'm writing a paper or something. Gosh, it's been a long time since I've had to do that. Thank Jesus. And by Jesus I mean that I'm pretty sure that he had all of nothing to do with it, or really anything that ever happens in my life, but his name is a convenient place holder when I don't believe in any sort of deity. I guess I could say "thank nature" or something, but that just seems wrong to me. Yeah, so for future notice, invisible blog readers, any invocation of God or other such theological character is purely a literary device.

See? Stream of consciousness. Actually, that is probably why I like blogging, rather than paper-writing, or like, trying to write a short story or a book or really anything with a plot.

Speaking of, recently sister and I were going through cabinets in our parents house and discovered a pile of "books" that we had created via school projects. Most of hers were hilarious kindergarten through second grade masterpieces, which are funny and embarrassing of course, but in the way that you can completely disregard because you were six years old when you wrote them and no one should be judged by what they wrote at age six.

My book, however, was a collection of works that I created in the first weeks of my sophomore year of high school. While that was approximately nine year ago (holy cow!), it is still recent enough, and fifteen is still close enough to adult, that the secrets contained within said book are truly terrifying to me. I am really bad at judging my writing. Either I think it's totally and completely the best thing ever written or I think I might be struck with lightning to dare write such horrible crap. Either way I'm about 95% sure I am wrong, but you know. Or maybe you don't.

But anyhow, dear anonymous internets, something I wrote in high school:
When I awoke it was dark in my room. The hall light was not on like usual, and I could barely tell where my room ended and the next one began. My bed was hot and my face was sweaty. I rolled over onto my side and tried to fall asleep again, but my eyes would not stay shut.
 Slowly I swing my legs over the side of the bed and stretched my arms. Out my window I could see the lights from the buildings downtown. Their reflection on the thick mass of clouds blanketing the city turned the sky an eerie orange color, one that shouldn't be seen in the middle of the night.
 I had to check my clock to make sure that it was not morning and that the orange color was not just the beginning trace of the sunrise. The numbers glowed red in the darkness of my room, cutting through the dense black atmosphere. 1:59 the read. It was much too early for a sunrise.
 Although I understood the phenomenon causing that orange hue to illuminate the sky I couldn't help but feel that something terrible was about to happen.
Wow, so it is really hard to resist the urge to edit the shit out of that. But still, I think it is pretty awesome. It's probably not, but whatever. And let's please ignore that it was written in silver gel pen on black paper. I was creative, okay?

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


Hi, Blog!

I am A, nice to meet you. So it's been a long time since the days of LiveJournal and the high school attention-whoring that I participated in there, but I thought it was time again. I am kind of a scientist, I guess, in the sense that I dropped out of college where I was studying biology, and I own my own microscope and I like to catch insects and put them on pins and identify and label them and keep them in well organized boxes. So basically not really.

So I may in fact write about my science-related interests, but honestly it will probably be a lot of me waxing poetic on how much I want a baby. (I reallyreallyreally want to have a baby, by the way.) But still, I didn't want this to have some horrible, vomit-inducing, cutesy baby-blog name, so yeah. Making a baby is kind of an experiment in biology and psychological development and all sorts of things, right? Maybe.

But anyway, perhaps I should complete my introduction post by actually introducing myself. live in Seattle, and I am going to be 25 this year. I didn't quite finish my Bio degree because I realized I didn't really want to make a career out of it, even though I love it as a bug-catching kind of hobby. I work full time in retail, but not the selling part of it. I am a visual merchandiser--think mannequin styling and window dressing, and other such beautiful things. I am a little bit crazy, and I mean that in a good, but still serious way.

Here are some people that will probably be recurring characters in my blog:

Husband: I married my beautiful amazing husband in the summer of 2008. He hails from Ohio. We met online (clearly!) when I was still in high school, and finally met in 2004. He moved here to be with me in 2006, we adopted three cats, and the rest of history. Well, at least with some fun break-up type bumps in the road on the way there. Husband is a unique combination of nerd and athlete, but he is more multi-faceted than just that. He wants to have babies too, but he is a little more freaked out about the actual reality of them, so we're working on it.

BFF: My best friend, obv. We started using all these internet acronyms and abbreviations ironically, but they kind of stuck and I'm not sure it's ironic anymore, but I'm not really embarrassed either. We are in a lot of ways on the same wavelength regarding BAAAAABIIIEESSS!!!! She is getting married this July, and she just found out she is pregnant (OMG!), but shh, don't tell anyone, as it's still new news, so still a secret. I am very happy for her, but also kind of a little jealous. And by a little I mean a lot. But whatev, I am excited to be an auntie soon.

Sister: My baby (well, three years younger) sister. She is my best friend also, but in quite a different way than BFF. (Actually we are collectively besties altogether.) She is probably the only person in the entire world that truly understands me. Our brains work in the same really bizarre way, and when we are together we can be our truly crazy selves. Sister is amazing and magical. She is graduating from college soon, and then she will be moving to France for a job in the fall. Her job is only nine months in duration, but I wouldn't be surprised if she figured out a way to extend it, and lives there forever. I would miss her, but then I will have somewhere cool to visit. She is not baby crazy like me and BFF, but she works in an infant daycare and really is excited for me to have one so she can be a tante (Dutch for aunt, of course--did I not mention that we are Dutch (half) and really into it).

Um, so I'm not a super social girl, I guess, and these are really the three major people in my life. I hang out with other friends and such periodically, but I guess they will be introduced as we meet them.

Ok, that's all you need to know for now, I think. Some content soon, I hope.


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