The 1980s: Somewhere around age 3 or 4 I told my mother that I was going to have 100 babies; 50 boys and 50 girls, obviously. She talked me down to ten, five of each sex.
First Grade: One day we were supposed to come to school dressed up as what we wanted to be when we grew up. There were lots of artists and baseball players. I think I was a ballerina. I remember scoffing at the girl who dressed up as a mommy, because lol at her for having no further career aspirations.
Middle & High School: I was pretty sure I was going to have kids someday, because that is what people do. However, any daydreaming I did about my future was completely absent of offspring. Sometimes I was a lawyer driving a fancy car; or I was an anthropologist in Italy, digging up the rest of the ruins of Pompeii.
June 2003: Lose virginity. Immediately get on the pill. Have a lot of bad teenage sex.
May 2004: Fall in love with husband on the internet from a million miles away. Briefly I am horrified when I assume that he is probably childfree. Cry. He assures me that this is not the case.
August 19, 2004: Husband came to visit me for the first time. He is perfect. And my mother likes him.
December 2004: Husband comes to visit me for the second time. This is the third weekend we've ever spent together. He tells me he thinks he is going to marry me. I swoon. I imagine how beautiful and amazing our (1/4 Japanese) babies will be.
2005: I think about having babies with Husband a lot. I am paranoid that I will subconsciously sabotage my birth control. Look into more effective options.
January 2006: Husband moves to Seattle to be with me. We move in together. Things are less amazing than I imagined they would be.
February 2006: Have IUD inserted. Husband and I agree that we will start making babies when it is scheduled to be removed in 2011. I want to be married for a few years before I have babies, so I hope to get married by the summer of 2007. Start bugging husband about marriage. We adopt kittens. Husband is adorable when he cuddles and baby talks to them. I imagine how even more adorable he will be as a father. Daydream a lot about our babies.
August 2007: Husband and I are still not married. Not even engaged. Husband has changed a lot in moving to Seattle, and is not sure anymore that he wants to get married any time soon. We fight a lot. After several months of thing clearly not working we break up. I move out. We split up the cats.
September 2007: I move into a studio by myself. I've completely stopped thinking about babies, except for occasionally wondering how I am going to have them before I am 40 if I don't even have a boyfriend, much less a husband yet. But there is no longing, no burning desire, no constant brain takeover anymore.
December 2007: Husband I reconnect; he misses me. We go on a date, but I want to be sure he's serious. We plan to officially get back together when he comes home from spending the holidays with his family in Ohio.
January 2008: I pick husband up at the airport and bring him back to my place for lunch. I ask him how soon we can get married. He agrees to "now." I confirm that we can still have babies on the original scheduled we had agreed to when he first moved here. We are engaged! Everything is rainbows and unicorns.
July 24, 2008:
January 2009: I decide that I will spend 2010 "getting ready" to get pregnant. This will include taking out my nipple ring to let that ish heal before I have to breastfeed, getting my IUD removed, and cutting my caffeine consumption. I start buying baby books. BFF gets on the baby-train with me and we talk about it ALL. THE. TIME.
August 2009: Start asking husband "Can we have a baby?" pretty much every other day. At least. Ask him all the time what he thinks of various possible baby names. He thinks I am crazy.
January 1, 2010: Take nipple ring out, right on schedule. I am sad, but not that sad.
Early 2010: Suddenly realize that baby-making time isn't in the distant future anymore. Commence internal freak-out. Bug husband about babies a lot less. Avoid making an appointment for my IUD removal. Change subject every time BFF brings it up, which is all the time. She thinks I am being weird.
April 2010: Come to terms with the whole baby-happening-soon thing. Now that I'm okay with it, I don't want to have to wait any longer. WANT BABY NOW. Try and convince husband to move up baby-makin' date. Only manage a month.
May 2010: Apparently everyone I know is having a baby. BFF just found out she is pregnant, too. Husband thinks I am just jealous, but I am not. I am happy for them, but I am so so so sad that I am not in their company. I can't think of anything other than having a baby. It's in my head all. the. time. Make appointment to (finally) get IUD removed.
So I got it out today. Welcome back to fertility for the first time since age seventeen! But the biggest victory came a couple days ago. After a couple really tearful (on my part) conversations about how badly I want to have a baby, and how I can't think about anything else, and how I am so tired of waiting, and how the seven months until December seems like eternity, husband agreed to change The Plan.
So instead of condoms or whatever-the-fuck we were going to use at birth control now that my lovely uterine friend is gone we are going to just let nature take it's course. Because, as I mentioned to husband, we probably won't get pregnant anyway, considering how rarely we manage to actually have sex. And if nothing happens by, say, October, I guess we'll actually start trying.
Basically I am dying of happiness. Rainbows and unicorns, people! I'm trying really hard not to bombard husband with baby talk because he is being so accommodating, but it's all I want to talk about, because hi! I am fertile again! I could ovulate at any moment! BAAAAAAABIEEEES!!! Yeah.