Thursday, December 5, 2013

The worst ever Christmas songs.

This year I am having a really hard time getting into the holiday spirit. And the sudden ubiquity of terrible Christmas music certainly isn't helping, either. So, here is a list of Christmas song that I hate, because I am a horrible grinchy asshole. I am also the only person in the world who doesn't like A Charlie Brown Christmas. Anyway, enjoy! Or, like, don't.

1.  Nat "King" Cole - All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth

This song is terrible in general, but it's even worse when sung by an adult male, who does in fact have all of his teeth, and has not even the faintest hint of a lisp. What the fuck is even the point?

2. Josh Groban - Silent Night

Or really anything by Josh Groban. Self importance and children's choirs. No thank you.

3. The Waitresses - Christmas Wrapping

OMG this song. It's not even a song. It's a boring first person narrative about a mediocre holiday season set to obnoxious background music. Eight holiday season in retail listening to this song multiple times daily has driven me to the brink of insanity.

4. Paul McCartney -  Wonderful Christmas Time

This song is just so incredibly stupid. Like I am losing IQ points right now listening to it.

4. Eartha Kitt - Santa Baby

Do I really need to explain why this song is terrible in every possible way? No no no no no.

5.  Marvin Gaye - Purple Snowflakes

What the fuck is this I don't even.

6. Jimmy Eat World - Last Christmas

I actually love the original Wham! version of this song with all of it's delightful cheesiness, but this is the worst cover ever. They don't add any personality to the song (and in fact sap out anything that was there in the first place), and DON'T SING ANY OF THE VERSES AND JUST REPEAT THE CHORUS OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I mean really. Were they too lazy to look up the lyrics and just recorded the parts they already knew? What in the actual fuck?

7. Sheryl Crow - The Christmas Song

Sheryl Crow? Really? Basically any version of this song by a mediocre pop star is just terrible. If you are not like, Bing Crosby or Michael Bublé, just don't even attempt it.

8. Barbra Streisand - Jingle Bells

Go home, Babs, you're drunk.

9. Sleigh Ride

Just any fucking version of this song. I'm still recovering from playing the saxophone part at the winter concert every single year in middle school band. God, this is just the worst.

10. Kay Starr - I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm (STUHR remix)

I don't even have a legitimate reason for hating this song, but it makes me irrationally angry every time I hear it. All day. Every day. Retail, man.

I feel better now that I've gotten that off my chest.

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