Mama & Me

How about a lazy and vain blog post? Yes, another one.

My BFF Ashley is re-launching her photography business, and asked me if I wanted to to a mom & me session to help build her portfolio. And then amazing things happened:

She is so talented and my kid is so cute and these are so wonderful and then my heart exploded. The end.

Lightning!

One of the things we were asked at Tycho's assesment last week was if he names any of his favorite playmates or characters (Elmo, Dora, whatever). He definitely says Arlo, but that's it, and they wanted to see at least two, so we scored a "no" on that point. It didn't seem that strange to me, as he doesn't even watch much television, except he asks to watch Cars all day everyday.

It's his best buddy's favorite movie, too, and Arlo is always a good influence. Today he rubbed off on Tycho, and my little dude now says "McQueen"!

Tycho was heartbroken that he couldn't take Arlo's die-cast Lightning McQueen home with him today and I was so proud of him for learning that name that I may have gone a little overboard with the Amazon Prime...

Evaluation

Tycho had his initial assessment this morning. It went well. 

I was having stomach-churning anxiety about the whole thing. I mean, not about Tycho. He couldn't mess it up because all he had to do was be himself, but the assessment was a home visit and home visits freak me right the fuck out. I know that they are not there to judge me on whether or not there is cat hair on the couch, but still.  But our house was clean and our child as bathed and my hair was pink and I momentarily regretted not waiting until next week so that I could appear to be a responsible adult but our intake nurse was very nice and everything was fine.

Tycho was amazing. I mean, not like, advanced, because he's not and that's the whole point, but he was more or less cooperative with the assessment games. I was pleasantly surprised. There was definitely a significant chance that he would just throw a screaming tantrum throughout the entire process, so any amount of participation from him was delightful. And he didn't spend the entire time pointing at the television begging to watch Cars and making me look like an asshole who sits him in front of the tv all the time as was my fear so that was good.

The verdict? Just as we expected, he is delayed in multiple areas. He is not quite at the 25% delay cutoff for speech, though, but he will hopefully still be able to get therapy for that. We don't know yet.  This is a gazillion-step process apparently, so next we take him to the clinic for a group evaluation where all the therapists and whoever see what he can do and then they will make their official recommendations and then we get to deal with the whole insurance coverage hullabaloo, which I already know will be stupid because my insurance only covers speech therapy for children with an autism spectrum disorder and not for regular old run of the mill speech delays apparently so we will get denied and have to go through the state aid process and blah blah blah blah blah. 

Anyway. I'm have some emotions about it all right now. Maybe it's the wine talking. I am actually really pleased with today's results, they are pretty much what I expected and wanted to see but the reality of entering THE SYSTEM is settling and ack. But I'm glad to be one step closer to actually doing anything. 

Phew. 

more vanity

I was bored, so....

Frustration

Tycho's developmental assessment next week really can't come soon enough. He talks constantly, but I mostly have not a single idea what he is trying to tell me and we are both utterly frustrated with each other and all I want is to get started working on getting him to a better place.

At the same time, though, I'm so incredibly nervous. I've invited people to come into my home and judge me and that is scary and I'm worried that he has made just enough progress in the last month that he won't actually qualify for services but he'll still be clearly behind and we'll all be going crazy but we won't be able to find a way to afford private therapy for him and we'll be stuck like this and he won't reach his full potential and and and.

Just gotta get to next Wednesday.

The next phase

So, I have a two-year-old now. I've been saying I had a two year old for a couple of weeks now, because that's easier, but now, really and truly. I am trying to stop calling him a baby because he is two and he sleeps in a real bed and he eats food like a grown-ass person, and we haven't been nursing for approximately a billion years now, and even though his speech is still lacking, he often does make his opinions known and he has this little personality that is his and his alone and it is kind of amazing.

This is my favorite age ever. I know I always say that, but that is because I like him better and better the older he gets. Because he gets more and more awesome.

It's been six months, give or take a few days, but I finally got another picture of him with his birthday bear today. I stopped doing them monthly at 18 months because he just wouldn't stay in one place, and while he still changes so much so fast, it was getting harder to notice on a monthly basis. So, here he is, in all his two-year-old glory:

He's grown up a lot since last time.

His birthday was really fun. We had a non-party party. Just those closest to us over for dinner and cake and presents and vegan ice cream for this poor dairy sensitive kid. He's finally catching on to the whole presents concept. Watching his eyes almost pop out of his skull at each amazing! thing! was so much fun for me.

His special gift from Kyle and I was baseball gear. His own mitt, tee, and bat. I maybe shouldn't have been, but I was shocked how he seem to grasp the tee concept right away. Not perfectly, mind you, but the pretty basic put ball on tee, knock it off with bat was right up his chubby little alley.

He took it to bed with him that night and slept with it and we woke up in the morning to him beating down his door with it. Sigh.

TWO!!!

Dear Tycho,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE MAN! You turned two today! I can hardly believe it!

I said I wasn't going to have a party this year, just dinner at home with family, but dinner at home with family IS a party. Grandma and Opa and tante Annika and Julien and Yoann and Anna and John and of course Shea and Ashley and your best buddy Arlo all came over to eat tacos with us and celebrate YOU. Because you're so awesome.

You loved all your presents this year. Mostly sports equipment. You're sleeping with your new baseball bat right now. I love that you've such a distinct personality. Everyone knew just what to get you!

What a two years it's been! You've changed my life totally and completely and every day it gets even better. I can't wait to see what your third year brings!

Love, Mama

Big kid, big bed

Yesterday I got up early, went to get Tycho up before he could hurl himself out of his crib again, and already when I walked in he had one leg over the rail.  Good thing I had the day off (and a couple hundred extra bucks lying around) for an emergency IKEA trip. 

Tycho wasn't super interested in bed testing or picking out sheets at the store, but after we got home and I got it assembled he was all about his big boy bed and his CARS! bedding. He jumped right in and bounced around and squealed and laughed. 

Bed time wasn't too bad. Had to go back into his room to calm him down several times, but I was expecting that with his new environs. I figured it would take a week to get him settled with a new bedtime routine, but tonight he went to sleep with no hassle whatsoever. Well then.

I just peeked in on him sleeping. He is all sprawled out across the bed like he's some kind of teenager. My mama feelings are all out of control. Baby dude turns two tomorrow (well, actually, today, but you know).  Where has all the time gone?

My Big Kid

So this morning, I'm lazing in bed and I hear Tycho start whining. I'm preparing to get up, but the whining stops. Silence. Roll over and go back to sleep. But a few minutes later I wake up again, this time to hysterical screaming. Rush into Tycho's room and... he's standing in the middle of the floor, sobbing?

It took me a minute because I was so unprepared to see him anywhere other than in his crib. But I guess he can climb out now. He wasn't hurt, I don't think, but he was probably even more freaked out than me. We're going on an emergency IKEA shopping trip in the morning.

When did he stop being a baby?

Say Cheese

The other night Tycho toddled over with my phone and handed it to me. "Peepees!" I tried to help him open one of his favorite games (Doodle Jump and Angry Birds, if you were wondering), but he just kept handing it back to me. "Peepees. Peepees!"

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, CHILD?

After a couple minutes, I figured out that peepees is pictures. Pictures! He wants to take pictures with me!!! THE CUTE! I DIE!

And so, lately my instagram is full of Tycho-mama selfies. This is my favorite phase ever.

Grainy, but I love them.

Life's a Beach

And now for some happier things

BFF Ashley decided last week that she wanted to go to the beach. And that she wanted me to come with her. So we packed up the boys and the iPads and a hundred pounds of snacks and headed out on the 3+ hour drive to the peninsula. Ashley's aunt owns a house out in Moclips that we used as our home base for the day and got the boys some beach time.

It was Tycho's first time seeing the Pacific Ocean. It was awesome.

Searching

By the way, it is pretty much impossible to successfully google for information on non-autism developmental delays because the Internet is oversaturated with autism information. You know, just in case you were wondering. 

Delay reaction

I can't believe I haven't posted about this yet. 

Well, I can, because as a parent your ego gets all wrapped up in milestones and your kid's behavior in public and so on, and because you love him so much that all you want to do is brag about the good things and maybe vent about the hard stuff, but you keep the darkness behind closed doors because feelings. But I'm pretty sure this is why I have a blog in the first place and I have way too many feels and need to put them somewhere. 

Tycho is... behind. I've had a feeling for a while. For a long time, actually. 

I mean, as a first time mom you're always hyper aware of milestones and obsessing over whether all his activities are enriching and educational and whatever and you feel guilty if you let him watch tv and you wonder when he doesn't roll over and you gloat when he smiles at only four weeks because even though it has nothing to do with you it feels like it has everything to do with you. 

At some point I banished those weekly babycenter emails with an inbox filter and it was good for me to just focus on my kid and what he was actually doing versus what some website hypothesized. But around 18 months I peeked in that folder for the first time in ages, and... panicked. He was supposed to have all these words and he didn't, not really anyway, and and and omg. All of these emotions hit me all at once and I was a ball of anxiety. But at his 18 month checkup the doctor said he was still within the range of normal, and we should wait and see how he was doing at two. 

I did really good with the wait and see. I backed off and I stopped reading those babycenter emails and I let Tycho just be Tycho and do things on his own time and be himself and stopped worrying. Or at least I stopped letting the worrying consume me. Wait and see, wait and see.

But two is fast approaching and that anxiety and worry is creeping back in and up my shoulders and around my neck and I'm paying close attention to my friends' children near his age and its become really clear that something just isn't right. 

Tycho still doesn't talk much.  He has some words, but not a lot more than he did six months ago, and some he was using regularly are all but gone now. He doesn't use most of his signs anymore. A two word phrase? Are you crazy? Communication with him sucks, to be perfectly honest. He is frustrated and I am frustrated and there are tears on both sides. He certainly hasn't had the language explosion that everyone talks about. There are other things too. He can't jump or walk down stairs. He doesn't pretend to talk on the phone or comb his hair. He never ever draws with crayons or stacks blocks.

I know it's not autism, though. He's definitely not on the spectrum. Eye contact and baby-flirting with strangers are his specialties. So that's good, I guess. 

But still, it's so hard. It's stupid, but I just kind of assumed that Kyle and I would produce a baby super genius. And we didn't and I don't know how to deal. Every post from one of my mama friends on Facebook bragging about their children's achievements feels like a personal affront. I want to brag about my kid, too, but I can't because he should have learned to use a spoon a year ago and it's not impressive anymore. 

When I do express concern, casually, to my mom or a friend I usually get shut down.  He's fine, he's perfect. But no, he's not and I want to be taken seriously because when everyone denies the possibility that he could be delayed I feel crazy and paranoid and helpless. 

I looked at the 24 months ASQ tonight, and he's under the cutoff in all categories to be evaluated. And even though that's bad, it's good too, because its validating. We'll take him to his two year checkup and we'll get a referral for a specialist and he'll be evaluated and we'll get him into EI and we'll get help and it will be good. And I am happy about that. 

Independence Day, and why having children is awesome.

Yesterday was the Fourth of July. Yesterday was the first Fourth of July since I was three that I haven't watched the fireworks over Lake Union from my parents' house. Except for that one year when I was fifteen and thought my parents were totally uncool and I went to Gasworks Park with every other person in Seattle. And that night I learned that my parents' party was in fact way, way cooler than anything else I could do. But my parents sold the house this spring, so no party for me. 

The Fourth is probably my favorite holiday after Thanksgiving. Not because I am especially patriotic or anything, but it was always a big deal for us, the one day every year my dad made worstenbroodjes from scratch. And fire works! So I was super bummed this year. No plans, had to work until 7 anyway. But last minute I had Kyle come with the baby and meet me on the other side of the lake in Sammamish. And it was perfect and Tycho danced to the band and got a balloon and ate kettle corn and oohed appropriately at the fireworks and I loved every minute of him loving it.

Tycho found a mom throwing a (tiny, nerf) football with her son, and decided he wanted to get in on that action. (His own ball and his own mother both proved far less interesting.) They took pity on the poor kid and let him throw their ball. I got to talking with the mom when she complimented his throwing technique (he will hit you square in the chest every time), and it turns out they are a big baseball family, too and she was from Cleveland! I love that Tycho found just the right people for us to chat with. Kyle invited his husband to bring their kids down to hi baseball facility. 

Babies are so awesome. Without Tycho it would have just been me and Kyle quietly sitting in a damp patch of grass. Life is so much more with him. Happy Birthday, America!

The things I sing

This is what passes for lullabies in our house.

and if I'm in a particularly sassy mood...

And, June.

Hey, remember how I was like May sucks and I will post more in June? And how it's June 26th and I haven't posted yet this month? Yeah, that definitely went as planned.

In fairness, life has happened, you know. The first week and a half of the month my boss was out of town on vacation so I was the big cheese at work. Two weeks with overtime and all sorts of stupid work shenanigans (burgular alarm! overnights!), and then we spent the last week on vacation with Kyle's family. So. So I've been busy. However, vacation means that I have ten bazillion lovely pictures to share with you instead of actually having to write a post with content and shit, yay!

Kyle's parents rented a condo in Steamboat Springs, Colorado and we joined them and his brothers from our various residences across the country. Neither Kyle nor I were especially enthused about the location, but I was for sure looking forward to any kind of vacation, so I decided to go in open minded... and we had a blast!

For Father's day we took a gondola ride up to the top of Mt. Werner, for the most delicious ever brunch. I gorged myself on smoked salmon lox. And mimosas. And the chocolate fountain. Amazing start to the week. I last minute decided to pack my collecting stuff, so we went on a nature walk after brunch and I got to catch some cool bugs. I actually Amazon Prime overnighted myself a butterfly net because the insect wildlife was so awesome, and I wanted to be able to do some more intense collecting later in the week.

It's been awhile since I've been so overwhelmed with the majesty of nature. Pictures can't even come close to capturing the breathtaking. Tycho loved it, too, although for his part he mostly just spent the week happily throwing rocks into the Yampa River.

Other highlights included the botanical gardens, hiking the trail at Fish Creek Falls, natural hot springs, catching ALL THE BUGS, and of course rest and relaxation. It was great for Tycho to get some face time with his grandparents and uncles, great for Kyle and I to get to slow down and enjoy each other and our family.

  

May

Well thank goodness May will be over in a couple hours. 

I've felt kind of... quiet this month. May was when I was planning to go see Jaime, back when we thought she had more time.  Back before she died.  Died. I'm still mostly in denial about it, I think. And I have moments, here and there, where I am just overcome with sadness.  Mostly on the way to work, when I'm in the car alone. It's the only time it's quiet enough for it to bubble up to their surface I think. She finally has stopped showing up in my Facebook chat sidebar. I'm not sure how I feel about that either. 

We found out last month the my favorite (second) cousin, Silva, has cancer, too. She's just 27. Like me. It's different, she has Hodgkin's lymphoma, and the caught it early and are doing aggressive chemo and she has a really great chance, but coming off the heels of Jaime's death it is really hard for me. Harder, too, because she lives halfway across the world in the Netherlands and I can't just pick up and go see her. But all I want to do is be there because I am still kicking myself for not being able to see Jaime before she died. But it's different. I will see her again, I will. I will. And my sister was able to take the train up to see her, so even though I couldn't be there I do take a lot of comfort in my sister's visit.

There have been a lot of good things this month, too, but I haven't felt like blogging about them because this dark cancer cloud has been hanging over my head. 

June will be better.

Crowning Glory

So, I had a terrible Mother's Day. I had to work and Kyle kind of opted out since he worked all day too,  and I thought that by having no expectations I would avoid being disappointed. But the damned Internet and social media and everyone else in the world publicly having an amazing day did me in. One fight with my husband later, we decided to reschedule Mother's Day for Tuesday when we could spend it together.

I swear I'm not high maintenance or anything.  We didn't do anything crazy. Just went out for lunch at our favorite local place and went to the park. Oh, and got Tycho's haircut for the first time.

Record scratch, I know. I've been fighting against everyone who has been telling me I should cut it for. I don't know, the past YEAR? Because its crazy and tangly and in his eyes and makes him look like a girl. (You know that last one wasn't a factor for me, eye roll.) I totally didn't mind the untangling, but it was always in his face, and he absolutely refuses to let me put it up, and if I do manage to wrestle it into a ponytail he will rip it out within seconds. So. Haircut. Before I changed my mind because MYYYY BAAAAABBBYYYYY!

It's awesome. Out of his face, finally, but not even close to short. Still tons of curl. He now looks even more like I did at his age. Love. 

And then we did this again. 

Perfect

You know what's so awesome? Seeing yourself in your child. Tonight Tycho pulled my old plant field guide out of the bookshelf and he sat on my lap and we turned the pages and looked at pictures of trees and shrubs and flowers and grasses. I love him so much.

The reason

Kyle and I were talking the other night about how crazy it is for us to have another baby. To draw out the diapers and the crying and the poop and the not sleeping for another several years right when we can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. But we know we want two children, so we will suffer. Or something. There may have been wine involved.

Really, I'm not a baby person. I mean, I now have all sorts of squishy mama hormones giving me squishy mama feelings and sometimes I want to kidnap a friend's newborn to huff that new baby head smell, but like, babies, not my favorite. Even my own, who was clearly the most adorable perfect baby ever, bored me to tears, adorably. I never wanted babies to have babies. I wanted to have babies so one day I could have children.

Tycho is still a baby in a lot of senses. He needs help with everything, and his communication skills are barely developed. But I see now the person he is becoming, and it is AWESOME. There are still hard moments, and often, but in general every day with Tycho is better and more like what I imagined when I would daydream about parenthood. His personality is his and his alone, and we hang out and it is fun and I love him. I mean, obviously, but you know.