2 Weeks!

Tycho is two weeks old today.

I can't really believe it.  So far motherhood is very surreal. I feel like this is all make-believe, or maybe some kind of lovely dream.

    

Things are simultaneously  far easier and far more difficult than I expected. Even though I've never been a baby person, caring for him just seems natural and organic.I'm lucky that he seems to be an easy-going little man, and that we've gotten underway with breastfeeding with only minor hiccups.

At the same time, though, I seriously underestimated how much this would take out of me. Between labor and being his sole source of nutrition, I am spent, and not in the sleep deprived way I was expecting, either. My body just feels totally run down, and even small excursions are leaving me exhausted.

I'm working on typing up my birth story, but it's slow going when I only have one hand 90 percent of the time.

He's Here!

Tycho John Boddy, July 23, 2011 at 2:30am. 9lbs, 2oz, 23 inches long. I love him.

Another week?

Why hello 41 weeks. I thought for sure I would be greeting you with a baby in my arms instead of in my uterus, but apparently not so much.

The last few days have been... tumultuous. To say the least. I made it 22 hours of Kyle's birthday being a good, un-irritating, scarce wife... but then I had a complete, sobbing on the bathroom floor nervous breakdown, obviously. I can't even really recount it now, since once you get out of these episodes it's really hard to remember where your head was when you were in them. But some combination of being totally tired of being pregnant, feeling like my body wasn't working right, total terror at the unknown of (dun dun dun) INTERVENTIONS that I hadn't really thought about because I was sure I wouldn't need them, something something hormones, emotional crier, yadda yadda.  Even though I can't (and have no desire to) get back into that headspace, I can tell you that it was a scary, dark place that was as bad as I had ever been, where my only coping mechanisms are really breaking things and hurting myself. I managed to refrain from both of these things, but yeah.

Kyle says it's like I'm going through the stages of grieving. Yes, except for that once I reach the acceptance stage I can't seem to stay there and head back through the cycle all over again.

Today I feel pretty good, not least of all because I lost my mucous plug/had some bloody show this morning. I know it doesn't necessarily mean anything, but it at least goes to show that my body hasn't completely abandoned that baby-birthing project, as was my fear. Also, TMI, but SO. MUCH. MUCOUS. Really, I had no idea. I've also been having seemingly more significant contractions for the last two days, but they haven't really seemed organized enough to matter, so I'm mostly just giving my belly the side-eye and waiting for things to be more definite.

Today also marked my very last day at work. Possibly FOREVER, but at least for the next 12 weeks. Very strange. Tomorrow morning is my midwife appointment omg scary times, but I'm feeling pretty optimistic about it, what with recent developments. I feel pretty confident, at least for the moment, that things are not going to end all scary scary doctor hospital needle scalpel DEATH. Whee positive attitude! I try.

At least today is somebody's birthday!

Today will be an experiment in how to not completely irritate your husband on his 28th birthday when you are also 40 weeks and 5 days pregnant. It might be tricky. Plan so far is to get the fuck out of the house and get a pedicure, because I am sure I am far less annoying when I am not here. We'll see how it goes after that.

I love you, Kyle.

Another day

Today is a better day. Yesterday was pretty okay, too, actually. I haven't cried since Friday, but I cried way a lot on Friday, so I guess it all evens out. But at least a little bit I think I'm learning how to live at this new pace that is the end of pregnancy. Living slower is making me feel like I'm not doing quite so much impossible waiting. I'm sleeping in and taking leisurely showers and generally not clock-watching and probably moving half as slow as the rest of the world, but I think that's for the best. The only hard part is that no one else is on my new schedule, so it can get kind of lonely. Everyone else also has lives and jobs and things, and I think are reserving their time for later, because it's much more exciting to hang out with a newborn baby than a bitchy term pregnant woman.

However. Kyle and I wandered and ate our way around the Bite of Seattle yesterday, which is pretty much the perfect event for a pregnant woman, and today BFF and I did some mall-walking, Frappuccino -drinking, and nursing-apparel shopping. I am a much happier person if I get out of the house and do something, anything, at least once a day. Tomorrow the only thing I have planned so far is a pedicure, but that is something at least. And beyond that, who knows. I'm having a hard time thinking more than one day ahead at this point. Everything seems far too uncertain.

I am starting to feel like I'm living in some sort of dream world. The longer things go, the less real anything feels. Kind of like the early weeks of my pregnancy where in between bouts of nausea I wouldn't have any symptoms and my body hadn't started changing yet and I would feel like I had imagined it all. Obviously, I am huge and clearly pregnant, but the reality of getting a baby sometime in the next week and a half seems to recede further and further into the distance. A week ago I felt like labor was imminent and I was ready, and now... it all just seems impossible. I feel like I am sitting in a nursery decorated for no one, and that I'm going to turn into a crazy lady pushing around an empty stroller. It is very strange and surreal.

But I guess it will all be over soon. This is the last month I will be pregnant. I will have a baby in the next couple weeks. This will end, and I will have my new reality and it will be good. I just need to remain calm and patient. I'm doing okay at that today.

Overdue

I've been putting off writing this post,  as it feels a bit like admitting defeat, but here I am. Still no baby. My due date has come and gone and nothing really has changed much. Baby boy shows no signs of being ready or willing to come out ever.

40 weeks, this past Wednesday

I am.... barely holding it together. There are lots of tears. LOTS. I think I am dehydrating myself from crying so much, actually. I have a wicked headache this morning. I'm trying to rein it in and get more fluids in me, you know, in case I have the occasion to need to buttload of energy in the near future, but I'm really no match for my hormones and emotions right now. Yesterday Kyle decided that an hour of hysterical wife sobbing was a reasonable excuse not to go into the office and took me to lunch instead. And before he went out in the evening for baseball-related activities, he had me invite myself over for dinner at my parents. They thought it was hilarious that he was having them "babysit" me, but it was probably for the best, since I likely would have otherwise sat at home in the dark crying. Yes, I know I am pathetic.

I also got myself a Frappaccino yesterday afternoon and walked around the lake listening to my labor playlist, and it was very nice. 2.8 miles and it only took me an hour and twenty minutes. It was actually lovely, even though it started raining a couple times. The headphones means that no one talked to me and I got to get some alone time without it making me feel depressed and isolated and helpless. And you know, the walking thing, that's supposed to help, right? I think it's going to be a regular afternoon activity for me until baby boy decides to show up.

My sister is also back from France now. She got in Wednesday night. I'm happy she's here, of course, but I was really hoping to have a baby before she got here, so I haven't been as joyful about it as I perhaps should be. I love my sister, but she can be somewhat emotionally draining for me, and I'm spread thin already as it is. And she doesn't understand why I am so short and so angry and so quick to fly off the handle, that I'm not really ready to spend a lot of time with her quite yet. Unfortunate.

I really want to have a baby soon. If I make it to my next appointment on Thursday I have to have a non-stress test and we'll sweep my membranes and schedule an ultrasound and I really want no part of any of it. Please please please please please let me have a baby first.

Still here.

Oh hey I am still pregnant. I guess that's not super surprising, since my due date isn't even til Wednesday, but I feel like I've had this baby inside me for pretty much forever, and there's only so long you can go without completely losing your mind.

I think this would all be a lot easier if I could really give into just living in the moment and not worrying about how much longer I have and what plans I have for this week and whatever, but unfortunately the rest of the world doesn't exactly work like that, so it's really hard to just let everything else go. I still have to worry about when I am scheduled at work, and who I have to call to make sure the world doesn't end if I can't come in and that my sister is coming back to Seattle in a few days and that Kyle has a baseball game later, and good lord everything is so damn inconvenient when you are a term pregnant woman working with an even that can happen anytime in a five week stretch. Although I guess at this point I only have to worry about two and a half.

Once labor truly begins, though, time really can stop mattering for a while, and I am so looking forward to that. Once we get there, the only thing that will really matter is what is currently happening, and I no longer have to worry about the rest of the world's schedule. It will just be me and my body and my husband and my baby and our family going at the speed that works for us, and while the world is obviously not going to be stopping also, we can for the most part happily ignore the artificial scheduling of everything. I can't wait for that.

39/40

I am 39 weeks pregnant today. Woo-freaking-hoo. I am absolutely done being pregnant, but unfortunately my dear little fetus doesn't really give a crap that I am done. So, in my body he remains. Hopefully not for much longer. I have a good feeling about the next couple of days, but it is just a feeling, based on nothing in particular, and as such has no merit at all, and at this point I should just resign myself to being pregnant for a full 42 weeks, so I can be pleasantly surprised if baby boy shows up any sooner. But really, like, RIGHT NOW would be just GREAT.

The good news is that he keeps dropping in small increments such that I am actually interested in eating meals again, instead of a steady diet of milkshakes and bowls of cereal. Although, now that I think about it, I am going to go get a bowl of cereal.

An invitation:

Dear Baby,

Hey baby boy! How are you? I am incredibly uncomfortable.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I don't have any plans for tomorrow, so if you're not busy either maybe you'd want to hang out with me? We could meet up at the birth center. I'll even invite Daddy; he can drive. Let me know if you're interested. You know where to find me.

Love, Mommy

37 Weeks, 6 Days

Posted without comment.

Are we there yet?

I am so totally and completely over being pregnant right now. I don't even know what else to say about it, other than I am DONE. I would like my body back, I would like to be able to sit or lie down comfortably, I would like to not be woken up in the middle of the night by the worst heartburn I have ever had, I would like to be able to pick something up off the floor without thinking too hard about it. I would also really like to fit into more than three of the things in my closet, but that seems slightly less worth whining about.

37 weeks

38 weeks

Everything seems to be going just about as boring as smoothly as possible, so that is good. We've been head down for almost as long as they've been checking, and he seems happy there, so that is a good sign. I've been feeling awfully crampy lately, and I've been having a ton of contractions, so while there aren't really any signs that labor is imminent, I feel like I can assume that some progress is being made, and my body is getting itself ready. I hope.

We have officially hired our doula and had our pre-labor meetings with her, so that's one more thing checked off the scary list-of-doom in my head, and one more thing that makes me feel ready to get going with this birth already. I still have things that I would like to have done before we have a baby, but at this point they are all pretty superficial, and I would welcome labor at any time. Like right this moment. So I don't have to stay at work all day. Or go back again at all for a while.

Term

Dear Baby,

We made it! Today we are officially 37 weeks pregnant, which means it's safe for you to come out, anytime you want within the next five weeks. I'm hoping you choose sooner rather than later, though. You're getting really big, and I think we're both a little uncomfortable sharing my body these days. But if you're anything like me and your daddy, you won't make us wait too long. And I'm  pretty sure you're at least a little like me and your daddy. Did you know that he was three weeks early? That would be like you coming TODAY! I don't think we'd be quite 100% prepared for that though, so give us a little time to get all the finishing touches together.

I am probably going to miss this time that I always have you with me and it being just the two of us, but I'm also so excited to get to see you on the outside and to introduce you to everybody. There are just so many people that can't wait to meet you. And I'm sure that you'll be just as thrilled to finally get to see your dad and all your grandparents and your aunts and uncles. They can't wait to meet you, either.

Okay, baby, let's get this show on the road!

Love, Mommy

So close.

36 weeks and counting.  Holy cow. Things are starting to come together. "Surprise" work baby shower this morning, so I finally have a car seat and my midwives can stop yelling at me about that. I am right now pre-washing all my cloth diapers. Laundered all the tiny clothes and blankets and bedding and stuff. Wednesday I will be officially 37 weeks and therefore full term, oh geez.

I am so uncomfortable right now. Baby boy's movements are no longer fun or cute. They hurt. I think he's dropped some, too. Today my lady parts feel all swollen and crazy and sitting is really unpleasant and I had to go find bigger underpants and put on a dress because I needed the room down there. Ridiculous. He's definitely got a hand or two up by his face, because I'm getting painful cervix pokes every few minutes. Thank you, son. And I've been having a lot more braxton hicks. And the heartburn. And today I feel vaguely nauseous. Today is almost different enough for me to feel a bit worried. I suppose if things are still weird tomorrow I will call someone. It would suck, though, to go into labor only a few days before term, because that would fuck up the whole birth center midwives thing. In any case, I have a very strong feeling I'm not going to still be pregnant on my due date. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I don't know. What can you do about gut feelings?

Thirty five and then some.

I really do intend on writing posts on a regular basis, but like, life seems to happen and omg what day is it now? Fuck.

Pretty much. Thirty five weeks as of this past Wednesday. Which means I will be offficially full term omg the baby can come anytime in TEN DAYS. Let me repeat that, TEN DAYS. WHAT! I am not exactly ready. Between trying to get everything done and being freaking exhausted from all the gestating I'm doing, yeah, blog posts have been few and far between. But watch me end up going right to 42 weeks or something and writing three posts a day out of boredom because I have nothing else to do. I hope not.

Things I still have to do: hire a doula, pick a doctor, install my carseat, write my birth plan, see a shrink, clean my entire stupid house, and oh yeah, figure out what the hell to do about daycare, because the solution we thought we had fell through and oh my god there is nothing left in the city of Seattle available before January, apparently. And that's not even including all the "little" things. Ten days. I spend a lot of time trying not to hyperventilate.

I swear one of these days I will have enough time to write something of substance.

34

You know what sucks? Rain. Still messing with my all dresses all the time plan. I am probably unecessarily angry about this. I think I went through 12 outfits today before I settled on one that didn't make me feel like crying, and I wasn't really even planning to leave the house or do anything productive. This last bit of pregnancy? Infuriating.

34 weeks today. I need to get my shit together. Today I googled every single family practice and pediatrician covered by my insurance so I can get going on finding a doctor for baby boy. It's 2011, you'd think the internet would be a lot more helpful when it comes to finding a doctor, but no, not really. Rarely did I find a doctor that had reviews, and almost never was the information in the reviews helpful. That's nice that he had a friendly receptionist, but what's his attitude on vaccines? Ugh. I keep getting the feeling that I'm going about this all wrong, because if it was this hard for everyone I would have heard about it, right? Maybe?

But hard as they are, things are going. Kyle is going to put our childcare deposit down tomorrow, assuming the space is still open--cross your fingers, because otherwise we are shit outta luck on that front. Our childbirth class is going well. Penny Simkin is truly the bees knees. I wish she could be my doula.  We're setting up appointments with doulas, too. Better late than never, I suppose. And I got myself accepted into a pilot study about placenta encapsulation and post partum mood disorders, so get that done for free. And I'm like, participating in science, woo. Tomorrow mom is coming over to help me paint our "nursery." I don't know why I am using the quotes there, since it is just the nursery, but it doesn't really feel real yet. Something.

I've gone down to four days a week at work. Three this week because of the holiday. I'm not super happy about it, and I'm only doing it because I have PTO I have to use up by the end of the month. I was hoping it would last a little longer and I could roll it into my maternity leave, but no such luck. But honestly, I think I kind of needed to step back a little anyway, because I am exhausted.

Too exhausted to think of a way to wrap this up. The end.

33 Weeks and Things

So I am a terrible blogger it seems. Sorry. This past Wednesday was 33 weeks. According to my stupid baby center emails, he's the size of a pineapple. When I asked Kyle how big he thought baby boy was this week he guessed the right fruit. Unbelievable! Considering it has been as varied as "an English hothouse cucumber" or "an average sized rutabaga" or "four navel oranges".  I was kind of upset by his correct guess, but I'm not sure why.

Anyway, I feel huge, but everyone still tells me I look small. The scrawny arms and legs will do that, I guess. Even though we're FINALLY getting a few sunny days here and there, there still has been a lot of rain, and my plans to wear nothing but dresses for this last leg of my pregnancy is not working out so well. Pants are really not my favorite thing right now, but oh well.

Today was baby shower numero dos, with my mom's side of the family. I haven't seen any of them since I announced my pregnancy, so it was exciting for everyone, especially since baby boy is going to be the first great-grandchild for my Grandpa. My youngest cousin is turning 21 this summer, so it's been a LOOOONNNGG time since we had a baby around. My uncle sent me some pictures from the festivities.

My cousin-in-law (?), Nancy is a graphic designer, and these flags match the invitations she designed. Cute!

Someone dug up a baby picture of me. I was a chubster.

Highly flattering picture of my enormity in way too expensive boutiquey maternity dress. 

Hopefully he will send me some more, because I love that dress and spent FAR too much money on it and would like as many photos of myself in it as possible. And I am a big narcissist. 

Tomorrow is my third (and final?) baby shower, hosted by my glorious and also-pregnant BFF and I'm really excited for that. The guests are a hodgepodge of people that are awesome and also unrelated to me, and I think it will be really fun. She did an amazing job on my bridal shower way back when. I get to return the favor in two weeks!

Eight "Months"

Hot damn, I am 32 weeks pregnant today! That's eight months, I guess, if you're the sort who likes to pretend that every month is made up of exactly four weeks, but then you would be wrong. Still. Saying that I am eight months pregnant is kind of awesome, so I will do that a little bit right now. EIGHT MONTHS, BITCHES!

Okay then. So this means I will be officially full term, and in my "due time" (as my yoga teacher says) in five weeks. FIVE. WEEKS. Holy shit do I have a lot to do.

Although I haven't yet done a lot of what I need to do, I'm feeling a lot better about my situation, and at the very least I have a PLAN and things. And my very first ever diapers came in the mail today! And I got permission from my landlord to paint! And we started our childbirth class! Things are feeling fairly imminent, and right now that's a good feeling. Can't guarantee anything about tomorrow, though.

31 Weeks

Hmm, I should probably do a 31 week post before I hit 32 weeks tomorrow. Perhaps. Maybe.

This might be the first ever picture of
me where I look 25 and not 17.

Things are rolling right along. Pregnancy is starting to feel interesting again. The second trimester was kind of boring me out of my mind, what with the nothing happening and all that, so it's nice to feel like there are milestones and changes and stuff again. Midwife appointments every two weeks! Childbirth classes! Dearest son kicking me in the cervix on a regular basis! Crying for no reason! Wheeeeee!

But things are mostly good. I've come to terms with staying put in our terrible crappy townhouse for the time being, probably at least through next January. Kyle helped me rearrange pretty much all our furniture so we can turn our second bedroom into a nursery, and we got permission from our landlord to paint, so I can expend my nervous energy on something slightly more productive than hand-wringing.

Things are still terrifying on the daycare front, as every center in our area and price range (and most of those out of it) have waiting lists until at least January, when I need to go back to work in October, so, um.... yeah. I guess the plan is to stick ourselves on all those lists and cross our fingers that something opens up. Because I HAVE TO go back to work after 12 weeks, and I HAVE TO go back full time, otherwise we no longer have like, health insurance, and that seems kind of important with a new baby and everything. It really sucks to be in a position that we don't get to choose the best care for our kid, but are instead just waiting for something, anything to open up. Clearly I'm not quite okay with this yet. I have stopped crying about it, though, so there's been some progress.

Start the countdown

Ten weeks left. Give or take, I suppose.

Interesting, on Wednesday, when I officially hit the 30 week mark I woke up feeling way more pregnant than I did the day before. All of the sudden I am constantly uncomfortable. Just navigating the world normally has become far more difficult. I'm all unwieldy and off balance and I can't walk at a reasonably fast speed to save my life. It seems strange that things don't happen at a slow constant rate, but rather pop up overnight.

At 28 weeks it felt like I had forever to go, but with ten weeks left I realize how much I have left to do and I am sure this time is going to just fly by. Kyle helped me rearrange furniture last weekend. We brought his desk down into our living room to free up space in our second bedroom for a nursery. But the room needs a serious deep clean, and (pending landlord approval) a couple coats of paint before I can start unpacking all the boxes of baby gear, and organizing tiny clothing and what have you. Lots to do.

to do

Hi blog.

I'm doing much better than I was the last time I posted. Still, though, this becoming a parent business is stressful. I've managed to feel pretty okay with the fact that I will soon have a baby, but the idea that I will soon be someone's mother is still hard to swallow. Yes, they sounds like the same thing, but really they are different, and the second is much harder for me.

I've finally stopped dragging my feet about finding a daycare, and called the local referral network today. We now have a list of providers to research and call and visit and omg. The consultant I spoke with on the phone was really wonderful and sweet, but that didn't stop me from crying when it hit me that someone else is going to be hanging out with my baby all day. Remind me not to wear mascara on my first day back to work. Or possibly ever again.

We also need to find a doctor for baby boy. We're leaning towards finding a family practitioner versus a pediatrician, especially since neither Kyle nor I have a doctor right now. Lots to do and only a few weeks left.