My friend Jaime died yesterday.
Jaime was an amazing person. She knew what she wanted out of life. A husband, a house in the country, a beautiful kitchen, a baby, a garden and some chickens. She went out and got all of those things and she didn't wallow in comparisons or focus any of her energy on what anybody else had that she might be missing and she was just unapologetically HAPPY.
Jaime called me her "cheese wife." In some ways we were alternate universe versions of each other; so much in common, yet leading vastly different lives. We were pregnant together, sharing in that experience. Her daughter Katie was born just a month after Tycho. She made him a onesie once, with a rainbow unicorn and a cupcake on it. I sent Katie tiny pajamas with birds on them, because before Katie was born we knew her as "little bird." We she first got diagnosed with cancer she got a fabulous pixie cut. I admired and envied it, and she convinced me to get one too.
My friend Jaime died yesterday.
That's what I said at least. Jaime was a part of an online community of women, who I sometimes collectively call my imaginary friends; I've never actually met her in "real life," whatever that means. But she was my friend as much as anyone is my friend. I'm dropping the "imaginary" so that people better understand my grief. She is real to me.
Jaime was never supposed to be imaginary forever, anyway. We were constantly discussing opportunities to visit. When we found out she had cancer I started making more serious plans. Just a couple weeks ago, when the prognosis was six months, maybe more, we decided on the spring, probably May. And when things got worse, I vowed to go down right after we got back from Mexico, since I had already asked for a couple extra days off.
But she died yesterday, and I never got to see her beyond the screen. I never got to give her a hug. We never got to sit in the sun, eating rich foods and drinking wine. That is without a doubt what we would have done. We never got to see our babies play together. We never got to build a friendship that I won't have to justify to anyone. I never got to say goodbye.
She was just 33 years old. And only two months from her first cancer diagnosis to passing. When she found out she was sick, and that it was terminal, she was accepting, she was strong, she just wanted more time with her daughter. A year, maybe two, please, to see her little girl grow up, to make more memories. These past few weeks all I can think is that I just wish I could take a year off the end of my likely long and boring life and give it to her right now, so she could spend just a little more time raising her daughter and loving her husband.
I am just devastated. I am exhausted from crying, from mourning. My heart is breaking for her daughter, who will grow up not knowing her amazing mother, and for her husband who has lost his love, his wife, his best friend, and become a single father all in one day. And also for our community of imaginary friends. We are brought to our knees by this tragedy. We are all still so young; none of us are prepared for this loss.
My friend Jaime died yesterday.
It still hasn't completely sunk in, the permanence, that I will never talk to her again, that we won't get to meet like we both so badly wanted.
I bought a plane ticket today. I'm going to her funeral in San Francisco on Saturday. Maybe it is silly to blow so much money on this trip to see her dead, when I never was able to make it when she was living. Maybe, but sitting here in my anger and grief, doing nothing seems impossible. And something I can do is be present for her, and for her family, one more reminder of how fiercely she is loved. And I'll be making other imaginary friends real on this trip, and we can hold and support each other through this impossible time.
My friend Jaime died yesterday. I am not okay.
Adventures in conception, pregnancy, parenting and beyond.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Volume 2, Chapter 1
"You are no longer protected against pregnancy."
Okay, let's let that sink in for a little while.
Okay, let's let that sink in for a little while.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Thursday, January 24, 2013
The Simple Life
If every day was like today I might consider the whole stay-at-home-mom gig. I mean, not really, since it's not a financially feasible thing for us right now, and every day is not like today anyway, but really, today was simply blissful.
I got myself up early, on my day off, and dragged myself to yoga. It's been a long time since I've been to class regularly, but I need to carve out some time to myself, so I've been going to class at a studio just down the street and it's been lovely. This morning's practice was, in a word, beautiful. Joyful, even, and you could feel it radiating out of everyone in the room. I needed this. I'm in perfectly reasonable shape, thanks to my job, but my muscles are so tight, and I need the opportunity for relaxation and meditation and slowness and deep breaths. My unofficial new years' resolution, I suppose, is then to get to class twice a week. I think it's doable.
It was a beautiful clear day today, after a week of thick fog, and then finally rain yesterday, so Tycho and I took a walk to get brunch. Tycho walked the whole 3/4 mile without me having to carry him, except for across a couple streets. He stopped to look at every bird and truck and smiled at everyone we passed. Kyle met us at the restaurant. Food was delicious. I had a mimosa.
When he napped this afternoon I tidied and vacuumed and assembled our new dining room furniture that has been sitting in boxes in the garage for weeks now. I'm slowly (slowly!) but surely turning our house into a home and these bright yellow chairs bring so much happiness into this space.
In between all these things I let myself really be present with my kid. It's hard to do sometimes, when there's so much to get done or I just need a break or I can't pull myself away from the inanities of facebook, but I spent most of the afternoon down on the floor with him wrestling and cuddling and reading and giggling and it was just what I needed.
He went to bed easily tonight, and I am enjoying my alone time. Some music, a fire, chocolate, the internet. And another day off with my babyman tomorrow! This is happiness.
He went to bed easily tonight, and I am enjoying my alone time. Some music, a fire, chocolate, the internet. And another day off with my babyman tomorrow! This is happiness.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
It's Time
Last time, things went something like this: First I got the baby fever, and I got it bad. BAD. Like, it kept me awake at night, and daydreaming during the day. I could not stop thinking about what it would be like to be pregnant, how I would feel when I saw those two pink lines, how I would fall in love with my little bundle of joy. It consumed me. But it wasn't time yet and I knew it so I just immersed myself in imagining.
Step two, I realized that babymaking for real wasn't that far off. And it freaked me the hell out. And I took a step away from the obsessing and the daydreaming because it was becoming too much for me and frankly I was scared.
And then finally three. One day, like someone flipped a switch, all of the sudden I was READY. NOW. And I couldn't wait a single second longer, I don't CARE what we agreed upon I HAVE TO do this. Fortunately Kyle seemed to understand the weight of the MUST I was feeling, and wisely didn't argue.
This time around has been a little different.
Stage one this time, was complete disbelief that I would ever be ready or want to do this again, ever. EVER. I felt like it was easy to go in to birth with a positive attitude; I knew it was going to be hard but I didn't know really what I was getting myself into, and there was no way after experiencing THAT I'd be able to do it again. And how exhausting Tycho was and we'd never be ready to juggle TWO, and ARE YOU CRAZY?
Before Tycho was born, before he was even, as my parents would say, a twinkle in my eye, Kyle and I agreed that we wanted at least two children, probably two to three years apart. It sounded reasonable. It SOUNDS reasonable. But when October rolled around I realized that if we wanted our kids two years apart we'd have to get pregnant right then. No. No no no no no no no NO. It was all either Kyle or I could think. NO. NOT READY. NO.
But then the NO faded almost as quickly as it came, and suddenly I'm back to the daydreaming and imagining and all the possibility and someday and feeeeeeeeelings. Still not ready, but WHAT IF, you know. And all that.
And then a couple weeks ago my switch got flipped again. It's different this time. My life is too full now to be so dominated by NEEDING to do this. But all of the sudden two doesn't scare me. I know, I KNOW, that it is time. It's a weird sort of calm I am in. Just kind of "bring it on, universe!" It's strange how it is this discrete jump from daydream to reality. I'm ready.
Step two, I realized that babymaking for real wasn't that far off. And it freaked me the hell out. And I took a step away from the obsessing and the daydreaming because it was becoming too much for me and frankly I was scared.
And then finally three. One day, like someone flipped a switch, all of the sudden I was READY. NOW. And I couldn't wait a single second longer, I don't CARE what we agreed upon I HAVE TO do this. Fortunately Kyle seemed to understand the weight of the MUST I was feeling, and wisely didn't argue.
This time around has been a little different.
Stage one this time, was complete disbelief that I would ever be ready or want to do this again, ever. EVER. I felt like it was easy to go in to birth with a positive attitude; I knew it was going to be hard but I didn't know really what I was getting myself into, and there was no way after experiencing THAT I'd be able to do it again. And how exhausting Tycho was and we'd never be ready to juggle TWO, and ARE YOU CRAZY?
Before Tycho was born, before he was even, as my parents would say, a twinkle in my eye, Kyle and I agreed that we wanted at least two children, probably two to three years apart. It sounded reasonable. It SOUNDS reasonable. But when October rolled around I realized that if we wanted our kids two years apart we'd have to get pregnant right then. No. No no no no no no no NO. It was all either Kyle or I could think. NO. NOT READY. NO.
But then the NO faded almost as quickly as it came, and suddenly I'm back to the daydreaming and imagining and all the possibility and someday and feeeeeeeeelings. Still not ready, but WHAT IF, you know. And all that.
And then a couple weeks ago my switch got flipped again. It's different this time. My life is too full now to be so dominated by NEEDING to do this. But all of the sudden two doesn't scare me. I know, I KNOW, that it is time. It's a weird sort of calm I am in. Just kind of "bring it on, universe!" It's strange how it is this discrete jump from daydream to reality. I'm ready.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Weaning
Weaning is going... well? I guess I expected it to be a terrible fight, lots of tantrums, and nothing! We nurse twice a day, sometimes only once, and it's not really even been hard. He asks sometimes, but usually I can redirect without too much trouble, or give him a cup of cow's milk or water. Sometimes it's a little bit of a fight, usually before nap time, though, when everything is a fight.
Being that this is easier than I thought it would be I'm seriously considering weaning him for good when Kyle and I leave him with my mom and go to Mexico next month. I feel a little sad about that, but at the same time, I also want to have another baby and I don't want to nurse again, so this trip would be really great timing... I guess we'll have to see how things are going when the time comes.
Little baby dude is growing up. Sigh.
Being that this is easier than I thought it would be I'm seriously considering weaning him for good when Kyle and I leave him with my mom and go to Mexico next month. I feel a little sad about that, but at the same time, I also want to have another baby and I don't want to nurse again, so this trip would be really great timing... I guess we'll have to see how things are going when the time comes.
Little baby dude is growing up. Sigh.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Breastfeeding, 18 months in
I've been meaning to write this post for a while. Maybe not this exact post, as things change all the time, but something about the extended breastfeeding thing, because it certainly is a thing.
I'm so proud that we've made it this far. And I am SO ready to be done. But also not?
Nursing a toddler is such a different thing than when he was a baby. Firstly, he is demanding. He furiously will sign at me for milk, crawl into my lap, yank down my top. But he's also all over the place. It's never JUST nursing anymore. He's looking around, pointing, wiggling, trying to run away while still latched on, driving cars all over my chest, winking at me, demanding to play with my phone, putting his foot on my forehead, giving me a high five, playing peek-a-boo, wiggling, wiggling, WIGGLING.
It's not hard or bad by any means, but it's not exactly going as I imagined, either. Everything I'd heard and read suggested that he would gradually taper off, dropping this nursing session or that one, easy, without us having to work on it no big deal. No big deal, my ass. Tapering off? Ha! My kid loves the boobs. He asks to nurse, oh, all the time. All. The. Time. Typically, on a day I work (and am gone for 10+ hours, mind you) we nurse 5-6 times, on average. Once when he wakes up in the morning. Once, at Ashley's before I leave for work, again at her house when I arrive to pick him up, once or twice in the evening, and once before bed. Days I'm home, I stopped counting. Add something mid-morning, before and after a nap, random afternoon time, oops I bonked my head, etc. All in all, WAY TOO MUCH.
So I'm weaning. I didn't want it to be something I specifically did, but clearly he's not going to initiate it, so I guess I have to. I don't know if I want to wean him entirely; I really did want to make it until age two, but I would also like to have another baby sometime in the relatively near future, and I don't know if I'm even ovulating yet. I don't know if it's because of nursing or my IUD, or some combination of the two, but I haven't had a period since October 2010, so I'm nervous about that. And should I get pregnant, I can't see myself having any energy left for breastfeeding. And tandem nursing? Totally awesome and inspiring when other people do it. Totally not for me. So. Weaning. Ish.
I've decided just to cold turkey drop us down to twice a day. Once in the morning when he gets up, and once after work/nap/before bed, whatever makes the most sense depending on that day's schedule. We're a couple days in, so far so good.
Kyle and I are going to Mexico without Tycho (!!!) next month, and I am, not entirely seriously, considering weaning him completely while we away for four days. I don't know, I bought a hand pump to help relieve engorgement (Yes, at 18 months I still get engorged. Sigh.), and to keep my supply up, I guess, if that's what I want to do, but I don't know if that's what I want to do. It seems really soon, and really kind of mean, since he loves it so much. And I do love it too, even though I'm tired of it. I suppose we'll see how things look when we get to that point.
I'm so proud that we've made it this far. And I am SO ready to be done. But also not?
Nursing a toddler is such a different thing than when he was a baby. Firstly, he is demanding. He furiously will sign at me for milk, crawl into my lap, yank down my top. But he's also all over the place. It's never JUST nursing anymore. He's looking around, pointing, wiggling, trying to run away while still latched on, driving cars all over my chest, winking at me, demanding to play with my phone, putting his foot on my forehead, giving me a high five, playing peek-a-boo, wiggling, wiggling, WIGGLING.
It's not hard or bad by any means, but it's not exactly going as I imagined, either. Everything I'd heard and read suggested that he would gradually taper off, dropping this nursing session or that one, easy, without us having to work on it no big deal. No big deal, my ass. Tapering off? Ha! My kid loves the boobs. He asks to nurse, oh, all the time. All. The. Time. Typically, on a day I work (and am gone for 10+ hours, mind you) we nurse 5-6 times, on average. Once when he wakes up in the morning. Once, at Ashley's before I leave for work, again at her house when I arrive to pick him up, once or twice in the evening, and once before bed. Days I'm home, I stopped counting. Add something mid-morning, before and after a nap, random afternoon time, oops I bonked my head, etc. All in all, WAY TOO MUCH.
So I'm weaning. I didn't want it to be something I specifically did, but clearly he's not going to initiate it, so I guess I have to. I don't know if I want to wean him entirely; I really did want to make it until age two, but I would also like to have another baby sometime in the relatively near future, and I don't know if I'm even ovulating yet. I don't know if it's because of nursing or my IUD, or some combination of the two, but I haven't had a period since October 2010, so I'm nervous about that. And should I get pregnant, I can't see myself having any energy left for breastfeeding. And tandem nursing? Totally awesome and inspiring when other people do it. Totally not for me. So. Weaning. Ish.
I've decided just to cold turkey drop us down to twice a day. Once in the morning when he gets up, and once after work/nap/before bed, whatever makes the most sense depending on that day's schedule. We're a couple days in, so far so good.
Kyle and I are going to Mexico without Tycho (!!!) next month, and I am, not entirely seriously, considering weaning him completely while we away for four days. I don't know, I bought a hand pump to help relieve engorgement (Yes, at 18 months I still get engorged. Sigh.), and to keep my supply up, I guess, if that's what I want to do, but I don't know if that's what I want to do. It seems really soon, and really kind of mean, since he loves it so much. And I do love it too, even though I'm tired of it. I suppose we'll see how things look when we get to that point.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Holiday Rundown
I have all these bits and pieces of blog posts brewing in my mind, but I need to get some business done with: the Holidays! They were exciting this year, as Tycho was old enough to kind of sort of maybe get what was going on, and we had a house for Santa to visit, etc. It was tough, though, working in retail as my time was, shall we say, limited. And my sister was in town for the first time since Tycho was a month old so things were crazy and busy and completely off schedule, but good and memorable and fun, too.
I wish I had a Santa Claus picture to post, but we got to the fancy-pants Santa at the Nordstrom downtown, and they are irritating and old school and mail your pictures out in January and I still haven't received them and it's not like anyone cares at this point, so it'll just go up next year, I guess. Blah. But I am pleased to report that Tycho did great; no tears at all. And Santa gave him his first candy cane, which miraculously kept him happy and silent for a good thirty minutes!
For the first time ever we hosted Christmas morning at our house, since I think it's fair that Santa comes to where the kiddos are. Last year, when we were in our old house and Tycho was too little to have a clue we just spent the night at my parents, so this felt like our first REAL Christmas as a family. My parents and my sister ad our good friend Catlin all were good sports and got up early to come celebrate with us.
Tycho really did grasp the whole presents concept that went right over his head at his birthday, so we had a good time.
As you can see above, our "big" present was nine million (well, two hundred) ball pit balls. Everyone told me I was insane and they would be everywhere, and they are right, but they are so awesome. Tycho LOVES them and he can throw them where ever and there are always more and they don't hurt anyone or break anything.
Later that day we headed out to my aunt's house to spend time with the extended family. Tycho was the center of attention, obviously.
I'm so glad it's all over, though. Now that we're into January, my work schedule is settling down into not-so-crazy and I feel like I'm breathing again. (I'm hoping that will allow my body to finally get rid of this cold I've been fighting with little success for the last six weeks or so.) I'm coming off a rejuvenating four day weekend, and I've booked Kyle and I a romantic getaway to Puerto Vallarta next month and we are settling into 2013.
I wish I had a Santa Claus picture to post, but we got to the fancy-pants Santa at the Nordstrom downtown, and they are irritating and old school and mail your pictures out in January and I still haven't received them and it's not like anyone cares at this point, so it'll just go up next year, I guess. Blah. But I am pleased to report that Tycho did great; no tears at all. And Santa gave him his first candy cane, which miraculously kept him happy and silent for a good thirty minutes!
For the first time ever we hosted Christmas morning at our house, since I think it's fair that Santa comes to where the kiddos are. Last year, when we were in our old house and Tycho was too little to have a clue we just spent the night at my parents, so this felt like our first REAL Christmas as a family. My parents and my sister ad our good friend Catlin all were good sports and got up early to come celebrate with us.
Tycho really did grasp the whole presents concept that went right over his head at his birthday, so we had a good time.
As you can see above, our "big" present was nine million (well, two hundred) ball pit balls. Everyone told me I was insane and they would be everywhere, and they are right, but they are so awesome. Tycho LOVES them and he can throw them where ever and there are always more and they don't hurt anyone or break anything.
Later that day we headed out to my aunt's house to spend time with the extended family. Tycho was the center of attention, obviously.
I'm so glad it's all over, though. Now that we're into January, my work schedule is settling down into not-so-crazy and I feel like I'm breathing again. (I'm hoping that will allow my body to finally get rid of this cold I've been fighting with little success for the last six weeks or so.) I'm coming off a rejuvenating four day weekend, and I've booked Kyle and I a romantic getaway to Puerto Vallarta next month and we are settling into 2013.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
2012, via Instagram
My year through the lens of my crappy iPhone camera:
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| Tycho's growth |
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| Lumberjackin' |
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| Tycho on our trip to Las Vegas. |
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| The beginnings of our hair adventures. |
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| All done with cosleeping. |
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| Leaving on a jet plane! |
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| Father's Day |
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| CHUBBY |
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| Birthday fun. |
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| Best buds. |
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| Walking! One of the most exciting things that happened last year. |
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| Tycho and our HOUSE!!! |
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| Baby's first ER trip. |
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| This is nursing a toddler. |
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| Mama got a haircut! |
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| OH. MY. GOD. |
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| <3 |
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Single Momming It
Kyle flew out to Houston, Texas this morning. On business, I guess you could call it. He's speaking at a conference for baseball coaches about his training methods. Pretty cool for him.
Pretty scary for me. This is the first trip he's taken since we had Tycho, and so the first time I'm doing the mom gig on my own. I know it's all going to be fine, and I am holy capable and all that, but it's a lot for me to do by myself, especially when I'm working like crazy ('tis the season). I still am not sure who is taking care of Tycho when I am at work on Sunday. At 6am. Boo.
In other news, here is a sneak peak of the family pictures we did with Ashley for our holiday cards:
Pretty scary for me. This is the first trip he's taken since we had Tycho, and so the first time I'm doing the mom gig on my own. I know it's all going to be fine, and I am holy capable and all that, but it's a lot for me to do by myself, especially when I'm working like crazy ('tis the season). I still am not sure who is taking care of Tycho when I am at work on Sunday. At 6am. Boo.
In other news, here is a sneak peak of the family pictures we did with Ashley for our holiday cards:
Friday, November 23, 2012
Thanksgiving, a day late.
Thanksgiving was good. I was really excited that Tycho would be able to taste everything this year, but he was cranky and ended up napping though dinner. Oh well. He got to try everything tonight with leftovers.
Otherwise, though he was awesome. He gave everyone hugs and kisses, most especially Olivia, my cousin's six month old. Lots and lots and lots of kisses. It was adorable. And did nothing to help with my baby rabies. Le sigh.
Anyway, I am thankful for a lot of things this year. I don't really want to go to the trouble to write them all out right now, because I am lazy, but I am going to force myself, because I think waiting it all out gives me time to really feel the gratitude, and that's important. So here's the list:
1. Tycho. Obviously he is my number one. Not just one my thanksgiving list, but in my life in general. I know I'm a total broken record about how he's so awesome right now and how he keeps getting more awesome, etc., etc., but really, it's the truth. And not only is he awesome, but his obvious love for me gives me life. I expected to be head over heels in love with my kid, but I could never imagine how being loved by him would feel. It's really cool.
2. Kyle. I am super lucky to have found someone who gets me, who loves me, and who works with me to be us. It can be bumpy at times, of course, but in the end we both value what we have and we do what we can to be the best possible partners for each other. It's not always storybook romantic, but I will take stability and partnership over romance any day. And we fit some romance in too.
3. Our house. We are finally in our home and it is AMAZING. There is still a lot of work to be done, and some straggling boxes we have yet to unpack, and I have barely begun to even think about decorating, but having our own space is so so so great, and our neighborhood is perfect, and I am so happy here.
4. My parents. I'm thankful for them for myriad reasons, not least of all because they are financing us so that we can own our home. That's number one of the list of reasons my parents are awesome right now.
5. My job. Not gonna lie, my job can be a thankless pain in the ass, but still I am grateful for it. Despite my frustrations, I really do like what I do. I am engaged and energized at work. I have a great boss and awesome employees, and yeah, a terrible commute, but it's okay. I'm so lucky to get pretty amazing health insurance through my job (no copays! 100% covered preventative care!), which means I never have to worry if I can afford to take my kid to the doctor when he is sick, and since I get coverage for our whole family, Kyle can pursue his dreams without having to worry about what the benefits package looks like.
6. Ashley. I truly have the best best friend ever. She watches Tycho for us while I am at work, and that is nothing short of amazing. Not only does she charge us less that daycare would, but she is totally flexible with my crazy work schedule, and she loves Tycho to pieces. I never ever worry have to worry about him when he is with her, and that allows me to really be present and successful at work. I'm am also infinitely lucky that we got to have babies together and that Tycho gets to spend his days with his own baby best friend. Watching them grow together is crazy awesome.
7. Lastly, the Internet. This probably sounds silly after the rest of my list, but really, it's on there. Modern technology has brought me so much, not least of all my husband, and by consequence my family. It also introduced me to my wonderful community of "imaginary friends", more of whom are becoming real all the time. These women keep me grounded and supported through the highs and lows of my life. They offer me love, humor, wisdom, and a sense if community I didn't even know I was missing. I had to gather them from all over the world, but finding my people means so so much.
That is a lot of things. I am lucky.
Otherwise, though he was awesome. He gave everyone hugs and kisses, most especially Olivia, my cousin's six month old. Lots and lots and lots of kisses. It was adorable. And did nothing to help with my baby rabies. Le sigh.
Anyway, I am thankful for a lot of things this year. I don't really want to go to the trouble to write them all out right now, because I am lazy, but I am going to force myself, because I think waiting it all out gives me time to really feel the gratitude, and that's important. So here's the list:
1. Tycho. Obviously he is my number one. Not just one my thanksgiving list, but in my life in general. I know I'm a total broken record about how he's so awesome right now and how he keeps getting more awesome, etc., etc., but really, it's the truth. And not only is he awesome, but his obvious love for me gives me life. I expected to be head over heels in love with my kid, but I could never imagine how being loved by him would feel. It's really cool.
2. Kyle. I am super lucky to have found someone who gets me, who loves me, and who works with me to be us. It can be bumpy at times, of course, but in the end we both value what we have and we do what we can to be the best possible partners for each other. It's not always storybook romantic, but I will take stability and partnership over romance any day. And we fit some romance in too.
3. Our house. We are finally in our home and it is AMAZING. There is still a lot of work to be done, and some straggling boxes we have yet to unpack, and I have barely begun to even think about decorating, but having our own space is so so so great, and our neighborhood is perfect, and I am so happy here.
4. My parents. I'm thankful for them for myriad reasons, not least of all because they are financing us so that we can own our home. That's number one of the list of reasons my parents are awesome right now.
5. My job. Not gonna lie, my job can be a thankless pain in the ass, but still I am grateful for it. Despite my frustrations, I really do like what I do. I am engaged and energized at work. I have a great boss and awesome employees, and yeah, a terrible commute, but it's okay. I'm so lucky to get pretty amazing health insurance through my job (no copays! 100% covered preventative care!), which means I never have to worry if I can afford to take my kid to the doctor when he is sick, and since I get coverage for our whole family, Kyle can pursue his dreams without having to worry about what the benefits package looks like.
6. Ashley. I truly have the best best friend ever. She watches Tycho for us while I am at work, and that is nothing short of amazing. Not only does she charge us less that daycare would, but she is totally flexible with my crazy work schedule, and she loves Tycho to pieces. I never ever worry have to worry about him when he is with her, and that allows me to really be present and successful at work. I'm am also infinitely lucky that we got to have babies together and that Tycho gets to spend his days with his own baby best friend. Watching them grow together is crazy awesome.
7. Lastly, the Internet. This probably sounds silly after the rest of my list, but really, it's on there. Modern technology has brought me so much, not least of all my husband, and by consequence my family. It also introduced me to my wonderful community of "imaginary friends", more of whom are becoming real all the time. These women keep me grounded and supported through the highs and lows of my life. They offer me love, humor, wisdom, and a sense if community I didn't even know I was missing. I had to gather them from all over the world, but finding my people means so so much.
That is a lot of things. I am lucky.
Friday, November 16, 2012
I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want
I really want... another baby? I think? Maybe?
It feels a little crazy. A month ago I was still firmly in the NO WAY NO HOW NOT NOW camp. Which is, I am pretty sure, where my dear husband is still. It kind of snuck up on me. Maybe it's that now Tycho's sleeping through the night, maybe since he's now so clearly a little kid and no longer a baby, maybe I'm finally ovulating again since we're nursing (slightly) less. Maybe.
I can just go back and read my old blog posts and know that pregnancy made me sick and that the newborn stage was so hard and I know that we're finally settling into a good groove here and finding our sea legs and blah blah blah some other such analogy, but I'm feeling all nostalgic about it all right now. I miss sharing my body with my baby, miss being one person, just the two of us. I miss being his whole entire world, both when he was on the inside, and later on the outside, too. Now he has so much more beyond just me, and that is good, wonderful even, but different, and I'm feeling all melancholy.
We're not really quite ready yet. We're going to take ourselves on a grown up vacation, without Tycho (yay for grandmas!) in February, We haven't decided officially yet, but probably Hawaii. But after that, I think I'm ready to get my IUD taken out and see what happens.
Sigh.
It feels a little crazy. A month ago I was still firmly in the NO WAY NO HOW NOT NOW camp. Which is, I am pretty sure, where my dear husband is still. It kind of snuck up on me. Maybe it's that now Tycho's sleeping through the night, maybe since he's now so clearly a little kid and no longer a baby, maybe I'm finally ovulating again since we're nursing (slightly) less. Maybe.
I can just go back and read my old blog posts and know that pregnancy made me sick and that the newborn stage was so hard and I know that we're finally settling into a good groove here and finding our sea legs and blah blah blah some other such analogy, but I'm feeling all nostalgic about it all right now. I miss sharing my body with my baby, miss being one person, just the two of us. I miss being his whole entire world, both when he was on the inside, and later on the outside, too. Now he has so much more beyond just me, and that is good, wonderful even, but different, and I'm feeling all melancholy.
We're not really quite ready yet. We're going to take ourselves on a grown up vacation, without Tycho (yay for grandmas!) in February, We haven't decided officially yet, but probably Hawaii. But after that, I think I'm ready to get my IUD taken out and see what happens.
Sigh.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
the boy these days
Like I said yesterday, time is just flying by. I woke up one day and all of a sudden I have this... kid. He walks. Runs, really. He can say mama and ball and kitty and cookie and uh oh, and he knows that signs for milk and more and all done and he waves bye bye and he will give me kisses and hugs when prompted. He sleeps through the night now. Just like that, nothing we did, but now he doesn't wake up anymore and I don't even know when that happened. When it's time for a bath he takes off his own shirt and steps out of his pants for me. If he wants to read he'll bring me a book and sit next to me and if he doesn't like the book that I've picked he'll bring me another one instead. Magic.
It's a hard time, too. He throws tantrums now when he can't get his way. He doesn't know how to control his emotions and his little body and he throws his cup at me and sweeps everything off the coffee table in anger and wails and he writhes around on the floor and I offer hugs and kisses, but it's not what he wants and I wait it out, and I think I am doing the right thing, but thoughts get muddled through all the screaming.
He's turning out to be a pretty cool guy, though, I must say. He really really really loves the cats, and when he can chase them down he likes to give them big hugs and rub his face in their fur. He likes pressing buttons, which means that sometimes he turns the laundry off mid-cycle. Cars go "vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv". So do boats. He points and asks "wassat?" about anything and everything. Sometimes he will hold my hand and walk in more or less the direction I need us to go, so I don't need to break my back carrying him around so much anymore. He thinks I'm so funny. I think he's so cool.
It's a hard time, too. He throws tantrums now when he can't get his way. He doesn't know how to control his emotions and his little body and he throws his cup at me and sweeps everything off the coffee table in anger and wails and he writhes around on the floor and I offer hugs and kisses, but it's not what he wants and I wait it out, and I think I am doing the right thing, but thoughts get muddled through all the screaming.
He's turning out to be a pretty cool guy, though, I must say. He really really really loves the cats, and when he can chase them down he likes to give them big hugs and rub his face in their fur. He likes pressing buttons, which means that sometimes he turns the laundry off mid-cycle. Cars go "vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv". So do boats. He points and asks "wassat?" about anything and everything. Sometimes he will hold my hand and walk in more or less the direction I need us to go, so I don't need to break my back carrying him around so much anymore. He thinks I'm so funny. I think he's so cool.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Time.
WHY AM I SO BAD AT THIS BLOG THING?
It's this time of year, a lot of it. Last year I was still on maternity leave during the pre-holiday heavy workload time of year, so I could write infinite posts full of Tycho pictures, but this year I got a promotion and I'm so busy at work and I have a toddler at home and I can't just type with one hand while nursing anymore. I want to blog because I want to capture my life right now because I know that next year (or even next month) I will have forgotten so much of what right now is like. Because it all changes so fast.
But here I am trying.
Sometimes after Tycho goes to bed at night, or on my lunch break at work on my phone, I like to go through old photos and reminisce. Not old old. Back to this spring or even just to his birthday. That was over three months ago now. It feels like it was yesterday. But then I look back at these pictures and I see this tiny baby boy that I barely recognize. He is already a completely different person, and did his hair really grow that much in such a short time? I remember it already being so long then.
I watch old videos from when he was tiny. Before he could crawl or walk or even sit up by himself. I don't even remember that time. How did this all happen?
That's motherhood, I guess. I need to be better at this. I take tons of pictures, and I'm so happy that I have each and every one of them, but I also need more than just these snapshots. I need to save my experience of what it feels like to be right here in this moment with my 479-day-old little boy, because tomorrow everything might be different.
But at the same time I'm trying also to carve out time for me to just be Astrid and not mama, and I want to prioritize my marriage and alone time with my husband, and I want to be the best that I can at work, and all of these things are so hard to balance. Never mind doing the laundry or sweeping the floor or actually decorating our new home.
I think I'm doing a pretty good job. I'm mostly happy in all the facets of me. I am a good mother. My baby boy thinks I am the best thing ever. THE. BEST. Period. Nothing tops mama. But sometimes he refuses even me kisses. It's okay. I'm doing great at work, and generally feel energized about being there. I know my job isn't, in the grand scheme of things, very important or meaningful, but I like what I do. I go on dates with my husband once in a while. We are planning a trip just the two of us for after the holidays. Somewhere warm. Maybe Hawaii. Just me is in there somewhere too. Things are good. Now is good. Just hope I can remember it all.
It's this time of year, a lot of it. Last year I was still on maternity leave during the pre-holiday heavy workload time of year, so I could write infinite posts full of Tycho pictures, but this year I got a promotion and I'm so busy at work and I have a toddler at home and I can't just type with one hand while nursing anymore. I want to blog because I want to capture my life right now because I know that next year (or even next month) I will have forgotten so much of what right now is like. Because it all changes so fast.
But here I am trying.
 |
| Tycho at 15 months |
Sometimes after Tycho goes to bed at night, or on my lunch break at work on my phone, I like to go through old photos and reminisce. Not old old. Back to this spring or even just to his birthday. That was over three months ago now. It feels like it was yesterday. But then I look back at these pictures and I see this tiny baby boy that I barely recognize. He is already a completely different person, and did his hair really grow that much in such a short time? I remember it already being so long then.
I watch old videos from when he was tiny. Before he could crawl or walk or even sit up by himself. I don't even remember that time. How did this all happen?
That's motherhood, I guess. I need to be better at this. I take tons of pictures, and I'm so happy that I have each and every one of them, but I also need more than just these snapshots. I need to save my experience of what it feels like to be right here in this moment with my 479-day-old little boy, because tomorrow everything might be different.
But at the same time I'm trying also to carve out time for me to just be Astrid and not mama, and I want to prioritize my marriage and alone time with my husband, and I want to be the best that I can at work, and all of these things are so hard to balance. Never mind doing the laundry or sweeping the floor or actually decorating our new home.
I think I'm doing a pretty good job. I'm mostly happy in all the facets of me. I am a good mother. My baby boy thinks I am the best thing ever. THE. BEST. Period. Nothing tops mama. But sometimes he refuses even me kisses. It's okay. I'm doing great at work, and generally feel energized about being there. I know my job isn't, in the grand scheme of things, very important or meaningful, but I like what I do. I go on dates with my husband once in a while. We are planning a trip just the two of us for after the holidays. Somewhere warm. Maybe Hawaii. Just me is in there somewhere too. Things are good. Now is good. Just hope I can remember it all.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Emergency
Well okay. We took Tycho to the emergency room today. He had an allergic reaction to his antibiotic.
Seriously, I almost peed my pants when we got up this morning and he was covered in this rash. And the fever. OMG. Those Mama-bear instincts are serious business. I am very proud of myself, though. I didn't cry or panic, and we calmly got ready to go and took him in.
No waiting. I had barely checked him in and they whisked us back to a room. Never had emergency service so fast. At least, though, this was mostly straightforward. He is allergic to sulfa. We just barely finished his antibiotics (last dose this morning before we left), and now we're onto a round of steroids and Benedryl.
He is such a wonderful kid. He is in great spirits despite everything, although just looking at his little swollen body makes me want to cry.
Seriously, I almost peed my pants when we got up this morning and he was covered in this rash. And the fever. OMG. Those Mama-bear instincts are serious business. I am very proud of myself, though. I didn't cry or panic, and we calmly got ready to go and took him in.
No waiting. I had barely checked him in and they whisked us back to a room. Never had emergency service so fast. At least, though, this was mostly straightforward. He is allergic to sulfa. We just barely finished his antibiotics (last dose this morning before we left), and now we're onto a round of steroids and Benedryl.
He is such a wonderful kid. He is in great spirits despite everything, although just looking at his little swollen body makes me want to cry.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
One more "first"
It finally happened. We made it 15 months and four days before Tycho had to go to the doctor for anything other than a checkup. Hopefully we have another 15 months of health ahead of us, because this weekend is not something I'd like to repeat any time soon.
Last Thursday I noticed a welt on Tycho's belly when I was changing his diaper. Looked like a bug bite, I didn't think much of it. But that night it was still hanging around and looking kind of enormous and freaky and of course it was too late to call the doctor. Crap. But due to the common sense of my wonderful girl friends I drew a circle around it and called it a night. And then forgot all about it.
Until Friday morning when I was getting him dressed to get out the door and get me to work, and holy crap! That's a lot bigger than it was last night. We get in the car and head out on our way to Ashley's where he hangs out while I'm at work, but I call the doctor on the way, and they advise me to take an immediate detour. Long story short, they think it was a staph infection, and we got the largest possible dose of antibiotics, and three doctor visits in four days to keep checking up on it. I was almost three hours late to work, which made an already crazy weekend kind of insane. Whew.
Tycho, of course, is a total trooper. You never would have been able to tell he was sick. he has been completely cheerful and happy and delightful. Besides when we're trying to get him to take his medicine. We still have a couple days of antibiotics left, but his rash is almost entirely gone, and the doc has cleared him to do whatever and not infect anyone, and even though he's on tons of drugs, they haven't done anything funky to his system. Couldn't ask for more.
But still, scary. I like my healthy kid. Lets not do that again for a while, okay, Tycho?
Last Thursday I noticed a welt on Tycho's belly when I was changing his diaper. Looked like a bug bite, I didn't think much of it. But that night it was still hanging around and looking kind of enormous and freaky and of course it was too late to call the doctor. Crap. But due to the common sense of my wonderful girl friends I drew a circle around it and called it a night. And then forgot all about it.
Until Friday morning when I was getting him dressed to get out the door and get me to work, and holy crap! That's a lot bigger than it was last night. We get in the car and head out on our way to Ashley's where he hangs out while I'm at work, but I call the doctor on the way, and they advise me to take an immediate detour. Long story short, they think it was a staph infection, and we got the largest possible dose of antibiotics, and three doctor visits in four days to keep checking up on it. I was almost three hours late to work, which made an already crazy weekend kind of insane. Whew.
Tycho, of course, is a total trooper. You never would have been able to tell he was sick. he has been completely cheerful and happy and delightful. Besides when we're trying to get him to take his medicine. We still have a couple days of antibiotics left, but his rash is almost entirely gone, and the doc has cleared him to do whatever and not infect anyone, and even though he's on tons of drugs, they haven't done anything funky to his system. Couldn't ask for more.
But still, scary. I like my healthy kid. Lets not do that again for a while, okay, Tycho?
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Pumpkin-themed photo dump.
In-laws are in town this week. We took Tycho to the pumpkin patch. Mostly just to take cute pictures of him amongst some festive gourds.
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