Last time, things went something like this: First I got the baby fever, and I got it bad. BAD. Like, it kept me awake at night, and daydreaming during the day. I could not stop thinking about what it would be like to be pregnant, how I would feel when I saw those two pink lines, how I would fall in love with my little bundle of joy. It consumed me. But it wasn't time yet and I knew it so I just immersed myself in imagining.
Step two, I realized that babymaking for real wasn't that far off. And it freaked me the hell out. And I took a step away from the obsessing and the daydreaming because it was becoming too much for me and frankly I was scared.
And then finally three. One day, like someone flipped a switch, all of the sudden I was READY. NOW. And I couldn't wait a single second longer, I don't CARE what we agreed upon I HAVE TO do this. Fortunately Kyle seemed to understand the weight of the MUST I was feeling, and wisely didn't argue.
This time around has been a little different.
Stage one this time, was complete disbelief that I would ever be ready or want to do this again, ever. EVER. I felt like it was easy to go in to birth with a positive attitude; I knew it was going to be hard but I didn't know really what I was getting myself into, and there was no way after experiencing THAT I'd be able to do it again. And how exhausting Tycho was and we'd never be ready to juggle TWO, and ARE YOU CRAZY?
Before Tycho was born, before he was even, as my parents would say, a twinkle in my eye, Kyle and I agreed that we wanted at least two children, probably two to three years apart. It sounded reasonable. It SOUNDS reasonable. But when October rolled around I realized that if we wanted our kids two years apart we'd have to get pregnant right then. No. No no no no no no no NO. It was all either Kyle or I could think. NO. NOT READY. NO.
But then the NO faded almost as quickly as it came, and suddenly I'm back to the daydreaming and imagining and all the possibility and someday and feeeeeeeeelings. Still not ready, but WHAT IF, you know. And all that.
And then a couple weeks ago my switch got flipped again. It's different this time. My life is too full now to be so dominated by NEEDING to do this. But all of the sudden two doesn't scare me. I know, I KNOW, that it is time. It's a weird sort of calm I am in. Just kind of "bring it on, universe!" It's strange how it is this discrete jump from daydream to reality. I'm ready.