There is no solace in death for an atheist. I don't, I can't believe that Jaime is in "a better place." Yes, I am glad she is no longer suffering, but I am so so sad that she is gone, and I'm so very angry about how deeply unfair it is. There are no platitudes. You can't tell me that at least she lived a long and full life, because although it was certainly full, it was cut tragically short.
Jaime's funeral was beautiful. I'm glad I was able to go. I wasn't sure it was appropriate for me, a random girl from the internet, to be there, but it turned out that it was. And that I'm not. Random, that is. Jaime's sister recognized Tycho, knew him by name. That meant the world to me.
On Saturday I felt so much lightness; Jaime picked a wonderful beautiful place for us to lay her to rest. I got to say my goodbye. Hugs and hand-holding with my friends in our grief. But today it all feels so real and final and it is and I'm feeling crushed under the weight of this reality. She is still sitting in my chat favorites on facebook, seemingly just a click away, but not really, not anymore. I wonder how long it will take for her to disappear from there. I don't want her to, but she will, eventually, I know.
I wasn't ready for this to be so hard.