And, June.

Hey, remember how I was like May sucks and I will post more in June? And how it's June 26th and I haven't posted yet this month? Yeah, that definitely went as planned.

In fairness, life has happened, you know. The first week and a half of the month my boss was out of town on vacation so I was the big cheese at work. Two weeks with overtime and all sorts of stupid work shenanigans (burgular alarm! overnights!), and then we spent the last week on vacation with Kyle's family. So. So I've been busy. However, vacation means that I have ten bazillion lovely pictures to share with you instead of actually having to write a post with content and shit, yay!

Kyle's parents rented a condo in Steamboat Springs, Colorado and we joined them and his brothers from our various residences across the country. Neither Kyle nor I were especially enthused about the location, but I was for sure looking forward to any kind of vacation, so I decided to go in open minded... and we had a blast!

For Father's day we took a gondola ride up to the top of Mt. Werner, for the most delicious ever brunch. I gorged myself on smoked salmon lox. And mimosas. And the chocolate fountain. Amazing start to the week. I last minute decided to pack my collecting stuff, so we went on a nature walk after brunch and I got to catch some cool bugs. I actually Amazon Prime overnighted myself a butterfly net because the insect wildlife was so awesome, and I wanted to be able to do some more intense collecting later in the week.

It's been awhile since I've been so overwhelmed with the majesty of nature. Pictures can't even come close to capturing the breathtaking. Tycho loved it, too, although for his part he mostly just spent the week happily throwing rocks into the Yampa River.

Other highlights included the botanical gardens, hiking the trail at Fish Creek Falls, natural hot springs, catching ALL THE BUGS, and of course rest and relaxation. It was great for Tycho to get some face time with his grandparents and uncles, great for Kyle and I to get to slow down and enjoy each other and our family.

  

Time.

WHY AM I SO BAD AT THIS BLOG THING?

It's this time of year, a lot of it. Last year I was still on maternity leave during the pre-holiday heavy workload time of year, so I could write infinite posts full of Tycho pictures, but this year I got a promotion and I'm so busy at work and I have a toddler at home and I can't just type with one hand while nursing anymore. I want to blog because I want to capture my life right now because I know that next year (or even next month) I will have forgotten so much of what right now is like. Because it all changes so fast.

But here I am trying.

Tycho at 15 months

Sometimes after Tycho goes to bed at night, or on my lunch break at work on my phone, I like to go through old photos and reminisce. Not old old. Back to this spring or even just to his birthday. That was over three months ago now. It feels like it was yesterday. But then I look back at these pictures and I see this tiny baby boy that I barely recognize. He is already a completely different person, and did his hair really grow that much in such a short time? I remember it already being so long then.

I watch old videos from when he was tiny. Before he could crawl or walk or even sit up by himself. I don't even remember that time. How did this all happen?

That's motherhood, I guess. I need to be better at this. I take tons of pictures, and I'm so happy that I have each and every one of them, but I also need more than just these snapshots. I need to save my experience of what it feels like to be right here in this moment with my 479-day-old little boy, because tomorrow everything might be different.

But at the same time I'm trying also to carve out time for me to just be Astrid and not mama, and I want to prioritize my marriage and alone time with my husband, and I want to be the best that I can at work, and all of these things are so hard to balance. Never mind doing the laundry or sweeping the floor or actually decorating our new home.

I think I'm doing a pretty good job. I'm mostly happy in all the facets of me. I am a good mother. My baby boy thinks I am the best thing ever. THE. BEST. Period. Nothing tops mama. But sometimes he refuses even me kisses. It's okay. I'm doing great at work, and generally feel energized about being there. I know my job isn't, in the grand scheme of things, very important or meaningful, but I like what I do. I go on dates with my husband once in a while. We are planning a trip just the two of us for after the holidays. Somewhere warm. Maybe Hawaii. Just me is in there somewhere too. Things are good. Now is good. Just hope I can remember it all.

Amazing thing, amazing thing, amazing thing, amazing thing!

SOOOOOO.

Things are finally starting to turn around for my little family, and I'm at the point where things are not so secret. A few brief updates:

1) I GOT A PROMOTION! I am now a big fancy pants assistant manager. Haha. I'm really excited about it, though. I've been working my butt off for the past several months to prove myself and I'm so happy it's paid off. I really love what I do, so I'm super happy to climb another rung on the career ladder.

2) We're buying a house! Like, for real. We found a beautiful townhouse in an adorable neighborhood. We had the inspection yesterday, so now we need to do some negotiating, and , fingers crossed, it will be ours in about a month. More to come on that front.

3) TYCHOSTEPS!

Some Days

Tycho, asleep when I left for work this morning.

Some days are harder than others. Today was one of those days. I didn't sleep well and had a hard time getting out of bed. Tycho was still asleep, so I didn't get any morning baby cuddles. I spent my day yawning and missing my baby.

Most of the time I know that working outside the home is essential for maintaining my sanity. But some days all I want to do is stay home with my family.

Another week?

Why hello 41 weeks. I thought for sure I would be greeting you with a baby in my arms instead of in my uterus, but apparently not so much.

The last few days have been... tumultuous. To say the least. I made it 22 hours of Kyle's birthday being a good, un-irritating, scarce wife... but then I had a complete, sobbing on the bathroom floor nervous breakdown, obviously. I can't even really recount it now, since once you get out of these episodes it's really hard to remember where your head was when you were in them. But some combination of being totally tired of being pregnant, feeling like my body wasn't working right, total terror at the unknown of (dun dun dun) INTERVENTIONS that I hadn't really thought about because I was sure I wouldn't need them, something something hormones, emotional crier, yadda yadda.  Even though I can't (and have no desire to) get back into that headspace, I can tell you that it was a scary, dark place that was as bad as I had ever been, where my only coping mechanisms are really breaking things and hurting myself. I managed to refrain from both of these things, but yeah.

Kyle says it's like I'm going through the stages of grieving. Yes, except for that once I reach the acceptance stage I can't seem to stay there and head back through the cycle all over again.

Today I feel pretty good, not least of all because I lost my mucous plug/had some bloody show this morning. I know it doesn't necessarily mean anything, but it at least goes to show that my body hasn't completely abandoned that baby-birthing project, as was my fear. Also, TMI, but SO. MUCH. MUCOUS. Really, I had no idea. I've also been having seemingly more significant contractions for the last two days, but they haven't really seemed organized enough to matter, so I'm mostly just giving my belly the side-eye and waiting for things to be more definite.

Today also marked my very last day at work. Possibly FOREVER, but at least for the next 12 weeks. Very strange. Tomorrow morning is my midwife appointment omg scary times, but I'm feeling pretty optimistic about it, what with recent developments. I feel pretty confident, at least for the moment, that things are not going to end all scary scary doctor hospital needle scalpel DEATH. Whee positive attitude! I try.

Are we there yet?

I am so totally and completely over being pregnant right now. I don't even know what else to say about it, other than I am DONE. I would like my body back, I would like to be able to sit or lie down comfortably, I would like to not be woken up in the middle of the night by the worst heartburn I have ever had, I would like to be able to pick something up off the floor without thinking too hard about it. I would also really like to fit into more than three of the things in my closet, but that seems slightly less worth whining about.

37 weeks

38 weeks

Everything seems to be going just about as boring as smoothly as possible, so that is good. We've been head down for almost as long as they've been checking, and he seems happy there, so that is a good sign. I've been feeling awfully crampy lately, and I've been having a ton of contractions, so while there aren't really any signs that labor is imminent, I feel like I can assume that some progress is being made, and my body is getting itself ready. I hope.

We have officially hired our doula and had our pre-labor meetings with her, so that's one more thing checked off the scary list-of-doom in my head, and one more thing that makes me feel ready to get going with this birth already. I still have things that I would like to have done before we have a baby, but at this point they are all pretty superficial, and I would welcome labor at any time. Like right this moment. So I don't have to stay at work all day. Or go back again at all for a while.

So close.

36 weeks and counting.  Holy cow. Things are starting to come together. "Surprise" work baby shower this morning, so I finally have a car seat and my midwives can stop yelling at me about that. I am right now pre-washing all my cloth diapers. Laundered all the tiny clothes and blankets and bedding and stuff. Wednesday I will be officially 37 weeks and therefore full term, oh geez.

I am so uncomfortable right now. Baby boy's movements are no longer fun or cute. They hurt. I think he's dropped some, too. Today my lady parts feel all swollen and crazy and sitting is really unpleasant and I had to go find bigger underpants and put on a dress because I needed the room down there. Ridiculous. He's definitely got a hand or two up by his face, because I'm getting painful cervix pokes every few minutes. Thank you, son. And I've been having a lot more braxton hicks. And the heartburn. And today I feel vaguely nauseous. Today is almost different enough for me to feel a bit worried. I suppose if things are still weird tomorrow I will call someone. It would suck, though, to go into labor only a few days before term, because that would fuck up the whole birth center midwives thing. In any case, I have a very strong feeling I'm not going to still be pregnant on my due date. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I don't know. What can you do about gut feelings?

34

You know what sucks? Rain. Still messing with my all dresses all the time plan. I am probably unecessarily angry about this. I think I went through 12 outfits today before I settled on one that didn't make me feel like crying, and I wasn't really even planning to leave the house or do anything productive. This last bit of pregnancy? Infuriating.

34 weeks today. I need to get my shit together. Today I googled every single family practice and pediatrician covered by my insurance so I can get going on finding a doctor for baby boy. It's 2011, you'd think the internet would be a lot more helpful when it comes to finding a doctor, but no, not really. Rarely did I find a doctor that had reviews, and almost never was the information in the reviews helpful. That's nice that he had a friendly receptionist, but what's his attitude on vaccines? Ugh. I keep getting the feeling that I'm going about this all wrong, because if it was this hard for everyone I would have heard about it, right? Maybe?

But hard as they are, things are going. Kyle is going to put our childcare deposit down tomorrow, assuming the space is still open--cross your fingers, because otherwise we are shit outta luck on that front. Our childbirth class is going well. Penny Simkin is truly the bees knees. I wish she could be my doula.  We're setting up appointments with doulas, too. Better late than never, I suppose. And I got myself accepted into a pilot study about placenta encapsulation and post partum mood disorders, so get that done for free. And I'm like, participating in science, woo. Tomorrow mom is coming over to help me paint our "nursery." I don't know why I am using the quotes there, since it is just the nursery, but it doesn't really feel real yet. Something.

I've gone down to four days a week at work. Three this week because of the holiday. I'm not super happy about it, and I'm only doing it because I have PTO I have to use up by the end of the month. I was hoping it would last a little longer and I could roll it into my maternity leave, but no such luck. But honestly, I think I kind of needed to step back a little anyway, because I am exhausted.

Too exhausted to think of a way to wrap this up. The end.

31 Weeks

Hmm, I should probably do a 31 week post before I hit 32 weeks tomorrow. Perhaps. Maybe.

This might be the first ever picture of
me where I look 25 and not 17.

Things are rolling right along. Pregnancy is starting to feel interesting again. The second trimester was kind of boring me out of my mind, what with the nothing happening and all that, so it's nice to feel like there are milestones and changes and stuff again. Midwife appointments every two weeks! Childbirth classes! Dearest son kicking me in the cervix on a regular basis! Crying for no reason! Wheeeeee!

But things are mostly good. I've come to terms with staying put in our terrible crappy townhouse for the time being, probably at least through next January. Kyle helped me rearrange pretty much all our furniture so we can turn our second bedroom into a nursery, and we got permission from our landlord to paint, so I can expend my nervous energy on something slightly more productive than hand-wringing.

Things are still terrifying on the daycare front, as every center in our area and price range (and most of those out of it) have waiting lists until at least January, when I need to go back to work in October, so, um.... yeah. I guess the plan is to stick ourselves on all those lists and cross our fingers that something opens up. Because I HAVE TO go back to work after 12 weeks, and I HAVE TO go back full time, otherwise we no longer have like, health insurance, and that seems kind of important with a new baby and everything. It really sucks to be in a position that we don't get to choose the best care for our kid, but are instead just waiting for something, anything to open up. Clearly I'm not quite okay with this yet. I have stopped crying about it, though, so there's been some progress.

Dizzy in the Noodle

So I kind of feel like Lesley Ann Warren as Cinderella in the 1965 made-for-TV Rodgers & Hammerstein production when everyone is home from the ball and she is waxing poetic to her step-sisters about how wonderful it all is. "What all is?" asks her step-mother.

This pregnancy thing is freaking amazing as all get out, I tell you. I keep writing these posts about how OMG, you guys, the baby is kicking FOR REAL this time! And then two days later I'm feeling like I should tell you more about these kicks because they are so much freaking better today than they were last time I posted you have got to try this!!

So at the risk of sounding like a broken record, omigoodness, I just love feeling him moving around. I'm feeling it all the time now, not just when I don't have other things to distract me, and it's more often than not real, discrete kicks instead of some vague wiggly feeling in my gut and holy cow I am in love.

The store I used to work at had kids and baby departments, but it was in the middle of downtown Seattle, and as such most people didn't bring their kids on shopping trips. Sure, there was always a munchkin or two, but nothing crazy. Certainly they were always outnumbered by mannequins. My new store is in a very family friendly suburban mall and out store is outfitted with a coloring table for the little ones and there is a parade of adorable (and sometimes appallingly behaved) children that come through our doors. Lately I've been watching the little boys. I'm going to have a son. I've never really imagined myself as a mother to a boy. A spitfire tomboy girl maybe, but for whatever reason, my imagination just didn't go there. So now I catch myself studying them. Will he be like that? Can I handle that? What have I gotten myself into?

But it always comes back to how wonderful it all is!

P.S. 18 weeks!

Hey party people! I have not forgotten you; I'm just in the middle of a very busy several weeks at work. It's been the good kind of busy, too. Yeah, my stress level has been a little higher than normal, but nothing I can't handle, and I've gotten to do work on my favorite kind of projects. I've been working really hard, but I've also been accomplishing a lot, and I'm really proud of everything I've done, blah blah blah talky-speak. But seriously, it's nice to be in a place where I have things like job-satisfaction and a career path and what have you, when I'm facing becoming a working mother.

I think working will be good for me, anyway. I need the outside imposed structure to my days to not spiral into a black hole of lazy and depressed, and I think that I would go nuts without the adult interaction, not to mention the self-esteem implications of defining myself as things other than just a mother. But it's also nice to feel like I am getting to a point where I have the support to be great at what I do, so that I will be valued enough for them to be flexible to my needs as a parent. Or at least that's what I hope. I feel pretty confident. For today.

15/40

Hello, blog! I'm still here. Fifteen weeks and one day pregnant. This experience just gets weirder and weirder I think. I'm pretty sure my body is changing by the day at this point, and it always looks different in the evening than I remember it looking in the morning. Bizarre. My belly is still not cute and round and obviously pregnant looking, but it's changed enough the even Kyle clearly notices the difference, and that's saying a lot, since as far as he is concerned, I've been the same size for the last six years. Definitely not so accurate. But yeah. This is getting real now. No needing to arch the back to emphasize it.

I'm really happy that baby is doing good growing in there, and that I'm finally seeing some obvious changes, but like, fashion-wise, belly is not making me very happy. Yesterday I wore the one stylish maternity shirt that I have out to trivia night with some friends, and instead of looking cute-pregnant, I'm pretty sure I just looked like I was awkward, chubby, and trying to hide it. Blah. And since it's less uterus, and more internal organs pushed out of the way by uterus, it's still kind of squishy and not hard and round and bleh. And the fact that I have approximately four things that I can fit into, most of which are boring as all hell, doesn't really make me feel any better about this.

But otherwise, I'm doing pretty good. I seem to have gotten over the barfing thing (finally!), although I do still sometimes feel queasy, but not in a yakking-is-imminent kind of way. I am still, though, tired all the time. I think maybe more than I had been previously. And my appetite still hasn't 100% returned. I'm trying to make myself eat so that I can gain back the 5.5 pounds I've lost, but eating when you're not hungry or find everything completely unappetizing is not fun, nor does it really promote a healthy attitude towards food. At least now I'm eating a wider variety of things than just bread, but hopefully soon I will like eating again.

I'm also finding that my center of gravity is already shifting, and I'm a bit more tippy than normal. This wouldn't be such a big deal, I don't think, except for that I spend a lot of my time wearing really tall heels or climbing ladders, or both. This morning we were putting up new displays and I almost lost my balance a couple times in the window. I think I'm going to have to start delegating that part of my job. And just being more careful in general, probably. A lot of my work seems to put me in precarious positions, and I really ought to be more mindful of myself.

Sick Again

I had only just recovered from Parisian stomach flu, and now I have a nasty cold. I have been in bed all day today, so I feel much less terrible, but I had thought I would be okay at work yesterday, too, but all the standing up, and like, thinking was too much for my poor little body, and I ended up leaving several hours early.

Speaking of work, it's so hard lately. Not physically or mentally, but omigosh, I cannot stand being around all the baby clothes. I mean, I can stand it and they are adorable and I love them, but the cuteness combined with my hormones makes me all teary and useless. But now that we've announced the pregnancy I'm actually able to buy baby things without making my coworkers suspicious, so I went baby shopping. We make so few unisex items, which is probably good because I don't need to spend tons of money on impractical baby apparel, but shopping! It's what I do best! And I can't buy anything for me right now because I don't need maternity yet, really, but I don't want to buy anything that fits me now, but will only be wearable for a month. Anyway, this is what I got. It is adorable and I love it and actually making a baby purchase for the first time feels like a super big deal to me.

(Now you know where I work. I wasn't planning on sharing that information in my blog, but it's pretty much inevitable to come out because FASHION!!!! I don't think it's going to matter so much since all of two people actually read my blog, and I generally have pretty good things to say about my company in general, but blah blah disclaimer I don't speak for Gap, etc.)

I'm really relieved that my pregnancy is out in the open now. I definitely wasn't ready to tell until we did, but as soon as we had out ultrasound I wanted everyone to know.  It definitely feels awkward for me to tell people in person, but fortunately I didn't have to for most people. Just some coworkers that I'm not friends with one Facebook, and my Grandpa, and surely I can suck it up for him. Kyle called his grandparents, and we emailed our extended families, gave them a day to make sure they read it all, and then told everyone else over Facebook. I was all sweaty and clammy and anxious in the hour after my email and Facebook posting waiting for comments, but now it's all done, and people are excited and I feel great, and I hope I don't turn into that obnoxious person who can't talk about anything else because so few of my peers are in the same life stage as me (so I guess they aren't really my peers so much anymore?), but I probably will be and oh well.

Otherwise, things are pretty good. We had another midwife appointment last week as well, and got back the numbers from our bloodwork. Normal, of course. Awesome. However, what's not awesome is the results that came back from my last prenatal. I'm borderline low on iron, and like, pathetically dismal for vitamin D. They sent me off to find obscure liquid supplements, which I've been taking dutifully, so hopefully thing will start looking up in those departments.

Two more days...

...of work before vacation. Hallelujah. I also need to get the hell away from work because they are all going to guess my secret because I think I'm for real starting to look pregnant. I can still suck it in and look like a normal human being, but if I relax or slouch at all... there's a tummy. And it's kind of weird how it's clearly a bump and not like, fat. Well, I guess that isn't weird at all, since I am in fact pregnant, and not fat, but you know. I thought I would go through a fat-looking phase before I got to the part where I started to look pregnant, but apparently. not.  I still don't have pictures because camera cable is still MIA, although it supposedly is in transit to us right now. So soon I will have a barrage of photos, since I have been dutifully taking them every week, even if I have no where to put them

I do, however, have this fabulous (and by fabulous I mean crappy and blurry) camera-phone picture of the new haircut I got today!  (I deliberately took this picture extra up-close so there wouldn't be any belly in it for the facebook viewers--sorry!) I love haircuts. I haven't had one since February because my regular stylist went and had a baby and I've been hair-homeless for a while now. My last cut was a cheapie at a hair school and I wasn't completely happy with it, so even though I've been wanting a change since at least this summer, I wasn't really sure where to go. But there was no way I was going to go hang out in Paris with split ends that are visible from a mile away, so I made an appointment at VAIN, and voile! I get so bored with my hair. I've been growing it out since I got married in 2008 (me and BFF decided to do it together--we made it to our goal in September), and it's been driving me crazy, because I like to change it up, well, far more often than that. So hurray. I feel awesome.

So, eleven weeks and everything is awesome. I can't wait to see my family.

A little bit of everything.

Oh man, I have been a bad blogger. I am sorry. Unfortunately now that I've let it go so long without posting anything, it's hard to even know where to start. Lots has happened recently, and I think a bog post full of bullet points is the only way to get through it with any sort of coherence.

Please accept this as a substitute for a belly picture.

• I had my first midwife appointment this week on Thursday. It was a little crazy because the birth center had two births that day so I ended up seeing one of the assisting student midwives, and the end of my appointment was very please-let-yourself-out-I-have-to-go-catch-a-baby, but honestly I'm glad that laboring women get priority, because obviously that will be nice when I'm in need of a baby-catcher. We went through my medical history, etc., and the just of the appointment was pretty much, "wow, you are ridiculously healthy and well informed." I knew that already, of course, but it's nice to hear. Basically everything I already knew; I am at an increased risk for post-partum depression, but other than that, everything is groovy. We talked about what they reccomend for that, and she let me know which local doulas and childbirth classes are dreadlocked hairy-armpitted hippies, not because I care, but because I know such things would put Kyle off, and I need him to be comfortable too. And then I peed in a cup and they took some blood and everything is peachy keen, as far as I know. They've referred me to a local hospital's fetal/maternal medicine unit to do my combined screening, and we're hoping that we can get in before we go to France. It will be our first chance to hear the heartbeat, etc., so I am super looking forward to that, and also getting assurances that everything is going well. So far, the only confirmation I have that I am even pregnant, is my home test pee-stick, and while my symptoms regularly remind me that something's in there, it would be nice to be able to see what's going on. Soon.
•  We hit eight weeks on Wednesday! It seems like a lot. I took pictures, of course, but Kyle somehow mangled our camera cord, and my laptop doesn't read HD cards, so they are trapped forever there, or at least until we get a new cable. However, if you want to know what I look like you can look at any of the pictures from the last four weeks, because I look exactly EXACTLY the same. I know this is a blessing, especially since I'm not "out" yet, but honestly, I'm excited for stuff to start moving around. Or at least for bigger boobs. Something, please. Anyway, blog posts are much better with pictures, so instead of my non-belly, there is an adorable kitten for you at the top of this post, care of google image search.
• Speaking, of being "out," or not, as the case may be, I've been thinking more about how and when to tell the general public about all of this. For the most part, I don't really care who knows, I just don't want to actually have to announce it. I'm a fairly introverted girl, and I don't like making myself the center of attention. I had a hard time telling people I was engaged when Kyle and I were getting married, too. It just seems very difficult, to me, to find a way to bring up, completely out of context this random (though, yes, exciting) news, and like, change the subject to being ALL. ABOUT. ME. It makes me feel horrible and awkward, especially because there are quite a few people who would be upset if they were not to get a personal phone call, which makes it all the worse for me. I'd like to tell as many people as possible via mass email or facebook announcement, so that I just don't have to deal with it. And I'm sorry, as much as I like talking about it, I'm afraid that by the ninth set of aunts and uncles (and we'd not even be all the way through Kyle's side yet!) I'll just be so over answering the same questions that I'll be feigning excitement and it just won't be good. Fortunately, though, my mother-in-law decided that an email would be appropriate for most of Kyle's family,  so we'll only have to make a few calls when the time comes.
• I'm especially anxious about everyone at work finding out. For the most part it will be fine, and I know everyone will be happy and excited for me. My friends that I worked with at my old location all know how much I wanted this so they'll think it's awesome, and there are so many mothers working at my new location that they'll be totally cool, too, so that's not the problem. Just there is one guy in particular that I am worried about. He is technically my boss, which makes things more complicated, although boss-lady won't let things get too shitty because she is awesome. He is a pain in the ass to work with as it is for a myriad of reasons (he doesn't really respect women, we have very different ways of looking at things, communication styles, etc., he thinks that to be respected he has to be an asshole), and I know that as soon as he finds out I am pregnant he'll be super nice to me, but in a very paternalistic, no let me lift that for you kind of way and I really don't want that. I know when to ask for help and when I am pushing myself too hard, and I want to be able to make those decisions for myself, so I can't help but worry about that whole dynamic.
• My plan right now for telling people is to announce just before we leave for France, so at least the news will have a week to sink in before I have to deal with everyone. I'm real magnanimous, I know. At least by that point we'll most likely have fetus pictures, that will make the news more fun. However, if anything looks funky in our ultrasound, I'm probably holding off, because we're pretty sure we are terminating if anything is really wrong, and I don't think that would go over well with Kyle's catholic family. Or with anyone, really. So. But we're not really high risk for anything so I'm trying not to worry about it. One of Kyle's cousins does have Downs Syndrome, though. I don't know.
• My regular yoga class is getting super uncomfortable. I really started to feel it this week. Next class is restorative poses, which I definitely don't want to miss, and then the following week is the annual, teacher takes us all out for Indian food not class, which obviously I can handle, but I'm probably not going back after Christmas. Sad. I did drop into a prenatal class this past Monday, though, and I really liked it. It was the only one I could find offered at a reasonable time (i.e. not 1pm on a Tuesday... really?) but actually managed to be pretty awesome. The instructor and owner of the center is one of the local premier prenatal teacher trainers, I guess, so that is pretty good. I was the least pregnant woman there, by at least eight weeks, but it was good and all the women were super nice, which was cool, since I know like 3 people who are or have in the last five years been pregnant in real life, so. So. Glad I found that.

Okay, so that's as much as I am going to cram into this post, because it's clearly way too much information and now my brain feels like mush from trying to sort all that out (or possibly because I am pregnant and my brain feels like mush most of the time), and I need to go to bed, because the more sleep I get the less likely I seem to be to spend my entire morning barfing. So, goodnight.

Presents!

So I got my first baby gift today! This is of course, ridiculous, but also amazing. Boss-lady called me into the office because she needed to talk to me. And then she made me close my eyes. And then, finger puppets! She told me that she felt like her reaction yesterday was not good enough. This is blatantly false, but I think she feels like she was in too much shock to be appropriately squee-happy. So, when she saw these in the the drug store today she picked them up for me. It's a little thing, but it totally brightened my day.

Hot mama, and other things.

Daddy and me.

So during this pregnancy, and all subsequent childrearing, I am planning on taking roughly a bazillionty pictures. During my childhood, my dad was really wonderful at photo documenting pretty much everything that ever happened. He would spend tons of time selecting pictures and organizing photo albums, and I love looking back at them. My favorites are the everyday stuff, not the pressed and clean school picture kind of BS.

Four Weeks

Anyway, I have officially started my pregnancy photo-capturing. This is my first "belly" shot, I guess, although there is no belly to speak of yet, but I want it to compare in future weeks and month, and I'll probably, years down the line, be amazed that I ever looked like that, but you know. This is from yesterday, four weeks exactly, if I am right about when I ovulated. I wish (for maybe the first time since high school) that I had any idea how much I weigh right now, but I don't really do that stuff. Kyle has a scale, but it is one of those fancy ones that calculates your BMI and body fat percentage or something bizarre like that, and I find it a little intimidating. Perhaps I should have him teach me to use it, though, because I'm pretty sure you're supposed to at least keep track of your weight during pregnancy.

You know, if you asked me a month ago, I would have said that I felt super well-informed about pregnancy, but now that I actually am, well, pregnant, I feel somewhat confused and helpless and shit was I not supposed to get my steak cooked medium rare last night WTF am I going to do now? The whole birthing a human being out of my vagina-thing doesn't freak me out at all (but that might be because it's far enough away that I don't have to worry about it yet), but the daily what I'm supposed to eat am I drinking enough water, am I supposed to be lifting this mannequin, how much does this stupid thing weigh anyway is making me nuts. Adjusting to a new normal is proving to be more difficult than I expected.

I told my boss today. My mother is horrified that I would even consider telling her so early, but I really felt for some reason like I needed to so I did.  You would have thought I had told her she won the lottery she was so happy and excited. It was nice to be able to announce it to someone for whom it was actually a surprise, since my family for the most part knew it was in the works, and while they're all super excited, no one was even close to shocked. Anyway, boss-lady is awesome, and basically told me that I am to do whatever it is I feel like I need to do to have the most awesome pregnancy ever, which is better than anything I could have possibly expected.

A couple weeks in, and everything is going super well.

Again

So here I am with yet another 180.

Work was so much better today. I can't guarantee I won't change my mind again about everything again tomorrow, but I'll take what I can get. Part might be working with my new GM again today; I really like her. And part might be that I rocked some mannequins yesterday, so now my new staff respects my mad skillz. But mostly I'm happy because the plan was confirmed today. The powers that be want me in and out of this store. Like, six months, get my training and get out. Hallelujah. And I started digging into my training today, and it feels so good to finally get started on it.

With all that in mind, I think it'll be much easier for me now to make the best of my current situation.  I'm hoping I can just jam as much possible information into my head in these six months and totally shine at the merchandising stuff I'm already good at and then move on to bigger and better things next year.  So I'm feeling good. For today at least.



As for other things, I'm feeling like it's possibly a really bad idea for me to ever get pregnant. Seriously, my emotions are all over the place right now. I cry all the time about everything. I cry at reruns of Gilmore Girls. Hell, I cry at Secret Life of the American Teenager. P.S. Don't tell anyone I watch that because ew. Embarassing. Last night I cried because I was overwhelmed with how thoughtful Kyle was to bring me a piece of mediocre cheesecake from the grocery store bakery. And then I went to bed and cried some more for no apparent reason. Can you imagine what pregnancy hormones would do to me!

Feelin' Blue

I am depressed about the work situation. I'm pretty sure I posted yesterday about how I like it there and I'm excited and something something blah blah opportunities blah blah whatever, but today, I don't know. It's funny, since actual work today was fine. I was styling mannequins all day, which is something I'm really good at and confident about, and something my new store needs a lot of help with, so I was in my element, and showing my stuff and making a good impression and whatever. Great, right?

Wrong. I kind of hate it there. I know that a big part of it is that I don't really know anyone yet and I don't have friends and inside jokes and someone to each lunch with, and a barista that recognizes me in the morning, and any grasp of the surrounding area where i could get lunch if only I had any idea where I was. And that will change as I get my bearings and get to know people, and I'm sure I'll be on a first name basis with everyone that works at Starbucks by the end of next week considering how often I am in there, but...

But there are some things that I really don't like about my new digs, and those are things that aren't going to change with the passing of time. Maybe my dislike of them will, but I'm not feeling super confident about that.The pace is so s l l o o o w w. I know that was supposed to be a good thing, but my day seems to drag on forever and I feel like I'm not accomplishing enough, and I'm always looking over my shoulder thinking that someone's going to catch me slacking off, but I'm the one working the hardest and I hate it. Half the associates are old enough to be my mom, and I find myself deferring to them even though I am technically the one in charge and maybe that's a personal failure, but it makes me uncomfortable. And the customers are all suburban yoga pants wearing soccer moms, and really I have nothing against suburban yoga pants wearing soccer moms, but they aren't my young urban fashion forward shoppers that were at my old store, and I miss that, and I don't like that I feel out of place for  wearing skinny jeans and a tunic instead of flares and a tee shirt. 

Blah. I need to get over myself. I need a hobby. I had planned to go running this afternoon after work, but instead I came home and moped.  I guess the up side of starting work later in the mornings than I am used to means I will have time to get a run in before work tomorrow.

So, I'm really sorry if you're here to help me scrutinize the meaning of my cervical mucus, or hear me ponder whether this teensey imaginary bout nausea could possibly mean I might actually be pregnant even though I haven't had sex for three weeks, but with the new job situation and the aforementioned lack of sex, this is all I have to offer.

One day at a time!

First day at my new store today. It went pretty well. I am not used to the hours yet, though, and I was really dragging by four or so. I'm used to being home by then. I like my new boss. She kind of reminds me of Madam Mimm in the Sword in the Stone when she has a wizards duel with Merlin and turns into a purple dragon. Except for in a cashmere sweater.

I mean this in a good way, I swear. (An aside--people remind me of various things: Disney characters, barnyard animals, political figures, always always in a good way, but I have to stop myself from saying so, because most people would be offended if I told them they looked like a pig. Even if I said I meant it in a good way. And I do.)  Anyway, new boss. I like her. She is very  much no-bullshit and says what she is thinking which is especially nice when what she is thinking is full of swears.

The pace at my new store, though, is so much slower than I am used to. I know that's what I was excited about, but it's going to take some getting used to. As of now, I just feel like I'm not doing anything and that I'm going to get in trouble for not doing anything. But hopefully this feeling will pass.

I'm feeling very melancholy about the whole thing right now, but part of that I'm sure is being overwhelmed by a new location and new people and new challenges, and once I get comfortable in my new space I'll start feeling confident again.