Merry Christmas!

New!

This is what I did today:

Single Momming It

Kyle flew out to Houston, Texas this morning. On business, I guess you could call it. He's speaking at a conference for baseball coaches about his training methods. Pretty cool for him.

Pretty scary for me. This is the first trip he's taken since we had Tycho, and so the first time I'm doing the mom gig on my own. I know it's all going to be fine, and I am holy capable and all that, but it's a lot for me to do by myself, especially when I'm working like crazy ('tis the season). I still am not sure who is taking care of Tycho when I am at work on Sunday. At 6am. Boo.

In other news, here is a sneak peak of the family pictures we did with Ashley for our holiday cards:

Thanksgiving, a day late.

Thanksgiving was good. I was really excited that Tycho would be able to taste everything this year, but he was cranky and ended up napping though dinner. Oh well. He got to try everything tonight with leftovers.

Otherwise, though he was awesome. He gave everyone hugs and kisses, most especially Olivia, my cousin's six month old. Lots and lots and lots of kisses. It was adorable. And did nothing to help with my baby rabies. Le sigh.

Anyway, I am thankful for a lot of things this year. I don't really want to go to the trouble to write them all out right now, because I am lazy, but I am going to force myself, because I think waiting it all out gives me time to really feel the gratitude, and that's important. So here's the list:

1. Tycho. Obviously he is my number one. Not just one my thanksgiving list, but in my life in general. I know I'm a total broken record about how he's so awesome right now and how he keeps getting more awesome, etc., etc., but really, it's the truth. And not only is he awesome, but his obvious love for me gives me life. I expected to be head over heels in love with my kid, but I could never imagine how being loved by him would feel. It's really cool.

2. Kyle. I am super lucky to have found someone who gets me, who loves me, and who works with me to be us. It can be bumpy at times, of course, but in the end we both value what we have and we do what we can to be the best possible partners for each other. It's not always storybook romantic, but I will take stability and partnership over romance any day. And we fit some romance in too.

3. Our house. We are finally in our home and it is AMAZING. There is still a lot of work to be done, and some straggling boxes we have yet to unpack, and I have barely begun to even think about decorating, but having our own space is so so so great, and our neighborhood is perfect, and I am so happy here.

4. My parents. I'm thankful for them for myriad reasons, not least of all because they are financing us so that we can own our home. That's number one of the list of reasons my parents are awesome right now.

5. My job. Not gonna lie, my job can be a thankless pain in the ass, but still I am grateful for it. Despite my frustrations, I really do like what I do. I am engaged and energized at work. I have a great boss and awesome employees, and yeah, a terrible commute, but it's okay. I'm so lucky to get pretty amazing health insurance through my job (no copays! 100% covered preventative care!), which means I never have to worry if I can afford to take my kid to the doctor when he is sick, and since I get coverage for our whole family, Kyle can pursue his dreams without having to worry about what the benefits package looks like.

6. Ashley. I truly have the best best friend ever. She watches Tycho for us while I am at work, and that is nothing short of amazing. Not only does she charge us less that daycare would, but she is totally flexible with my crazy work schedule, and she loves Tycho to pieces. I never ever worry have to worry about him when he is with her, and that allows me to really be present and successful at work. I'm am also infinitely lucky that we got to have babies together and that Tycho gets to spend his days with his own baby best friend. Watching them grow together is crazy awesome.

7. Lastly, the Internet. This probably sounds silly after the rest of my list, but really, it's on there. Modern technology has brought me so much, not least of all my husband, and by consequence my family. It also introduced me to my wonderful community of "imaginary friends", more of whom are becoming real all the time. These women keep me grounded and supported through the highs and lows of my life. They offer me love, humor, wisdom, and a sense if community I didn't even know I was missing. I had to gather them from all over the world, but finding my people means so so much.



That is a lot of things. I am lucky.

I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want

I really want... another baby? I think? Maybe?

It feels a little crazy. A month ago I was still firmly in the NO WAY NO HOW NOT NOW camp. Which is, I am pretty sure, where my dear husband is still. It kind of snuck up on me. Maybe it's that now Tycho's sleeping through the night, maybe since he's now so clearly a little kid and no longer a baby, maybe I'm finally ovulating again since we're nursing (slightly) less. Maybe.

I can just go back and read my old blog posts and know that pregnancy made me sick and that the newborn stage was so hard and I know that we're finally settling into a good groove here and finding our sea legs and blah blah blah some other such analogy, but I'm feeling all nostalgic about it all right now. I miss sharing my body with my baby, miss being one person, just the two of us. I miss being his whole entire world, both when he was on the inside, and later on the outside, too. Now he has so much more beyond just me, and that is good, wonderful even, but different, and I'm feeling all melancholy.

We're not really quite ready yet. We're going to take ourselves on a grown up vacation, without Tycho (yay for grandmas!) in February, We haven't decided officially yet, but probably Hawaii. But after that, I think I'm ready to get my IUD taken out and see what happens.

Sigh.

the boy these days

Like I said yesterday, time is just flying by. I woke up one day and all of a sudden I have this... kid. He walks. Runs, really. He can say mama and ball and kitty and cookie and uh oh, and he knows that signs for milk and more and all done and he waves bye bye and he will give me kisses and hugs when prompted. He sleeps through the night now. Just like that, nothing we did, but now he doesn't wake up anymore and I don't even know when that happened. When it's time for a bath he takes off his own shirt and steps out of his pants for me. If he wants to read he'll bring me a book and sit next to me and if he doesn't like the book that I've picked he'll bring me another one instead. Magic.

It's a hard time, too. He throws tantrums now when he can't get his way. He doesn't know how to control his emotions and his little body and he throws his cup at me and sweeps everything off the coffee table in anger and wails and he writhes around on the floor and I offer hugs and kisses, but it's not what he wants and I wait it out, and I think I am doing the right thing, but thoughts get muddled through all the screaming.

He's turning out to be a pretty cool guy, though, I must say. He really really really loves the cats, and when he can chase them down he likes to give them big hugs and rub his face in their fur. He likes pressing buttons, which means that sometimes he turns the laundry off mid-cycle. Cars go "vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv". So do boats. He points and asks "wassat?" about anything and everything. Sometimes he will hold my hand and walk in more or less the direction I need us to go, so I don't need to break my back carrying him around so much anymore. He thinks I'm so funny. I think he's so cool.

Time.

WHY AM I SO BAD AT THIS BLOG THING?

It's this time of year, a lot of it. Last year I was still on maternity leave during the pre-holiday heavy workload time of year, so I could write infinite posts full of Tycho pictures, but this year I got a promotion and I'm so busy at work and I have a toddler at home and I can't just type with one hand while nursing anymore. I want to blog because I want to capture my life right now because I know that next year (or even next month) I will have forgotten so much of what right now is like. Because it all changes so fast.

But here I am trying.

Tycho at 15 months

Sometimes after Tycho goes to bed at night, or on my lunch break at work on my phone, I like to go through old photos and reminisce. Not old old. Back to this spring or even just to his birthday. That was over three months ago now. It feels like it was yesterday. But then I look back at these pictures and I see this tiny baby boy that I barely recognize. He is already a completely different person, and did his hair really grow that much in such a short time? I remember it already being so long then.

I watch old videos from when he was tiny. Before he could crawl or walk or even sit up by himself. I don't even remember that time. How did this all happen?

That's motherhood, I guess. I need to be better at this. I take tons of pictures, and I'm so happy that I have each and every one of them, but I also need more than just these snapshots. I need to save my experience of what it feels like to be right here in this moment with my 479-day-old little boy, because tomorrow everything might be different.

But at the same time I'm trying also to carve out time for me to just be Astrid and not mama, and I want to prioritize my marriage and alone time with my husband, and I want to be the best that I can at work, and all of these things are so hard to balance. Never mind doing the laundry or sweeping the floor or actually decorating our new home.

I think I'm doing a pretty good job. I'm mostly happy in all the facets of me. I am a good mother. My baby boy thinks I am the best thing ever. THE. BEST. Period. Nothing tops mama. But sometimes he refuses even me kisses. It's okay. I'm doing great at work, and generally feel energized about being there. I know my job isn't, in the grand scheme of things, very important or meaningful, but I like what I do. I go on dates with my husband once in a while. We are planning a trip just the two of us for after the holidays. Somewhere warm. Maybe Hawaii. Just me is in there somewhere too. Things are good. Now is good. Just hope I can remember it all.

Emergency

Well okay. We took Tycho to the emergency room today.  He had an allergic reaction to his antibiotic.

Seriously, I almost peed my pants when we got up this morning and he was covered in this rash. And the fever. OMG. Those Mama-bear instincts are serious business. I am very proud of myself, though. I didn't cry or panic, and we calmly got ready to go and took him in.

No waiting. I had barely checked him in and they whisked us back to a room. Never had emergency service so fast. At least, though, this was mostly straightforward. He is allergic to sulfa. We just barely finished his antibiotics (last dose this morning before we left), and now we're onto a round of steroids and Benedryl.

He is such a wonderful kid. He is in great spirits despite everything, although just looking at his little swollen body makes me want to cry.

One more "first"

It finally happened. We made it 15 months and four days before Tycho had to go to the doctor for anything other than a checkup. Hopefully we have another 15 months of health ahead of us, because this weekend is not something I'd like to repeat any time soon.

Last Thursday I noticed a welt on Tycho's belly when I was changing his diaper. Looked like a bug bite, I didn't think much of it. But that night it was still hanging around and looking kind of enormous and freaky and of course it was too late to call the doctor. Crap. But due to the common sense of my wonderful girl friends I drew a circle around it and called it a night. And then forgot all about it.

Until Friday morning when I was getting him dressed to get out the door and get me to work, and holy crap! That's a lot bigger than it was last night. We get in the car and head out on our way to Ashley's where he hangs out while I'm at work, but I call the doctor on the way, and they advise me to take an immediate detour. Long story short, they think it was a staph infection, and we got the largest possible dose of antibiotics, and three doctor visits in four days to keep checking up on it. I was almost three hours late to work, which made an already crazy weekend kind of insane. Whew.

Tycho, of course, is a total trooper. You never would have been able to tell he was sick. he has been completely cheerful and happy and delightful. Besides when we're trying to get him to take his medicine. We still have a couple days of antibiotics left, but his rash is almost entirely gone, and the doc has cleared him to do whatever and not infect anyone, and even though he's on tons of drugs, they haven't done anything funky to his system. Couldn't ask for more.

But still, scary. I like my healthy kid. Lets not do that again for a while, okay, Tycho?

Pumpkin-themed photo dump.

In-laws are in town this week. We took Tycho to the pumpkin patch. Mostly just to take cute pictures of him amongst some festive gourds.

Settle down!

Blog! I've missed you! How have you been?

Okay, so we're mostly settled in here at our new casa. Internet, at least. Most of our boxes are unpacked and it feels like home. Still need to get pictures up on the walls. And then decorating for real. It's the busy season at work, though, so it's going to be a slow process. One room at a time, I think. Probably will be easier on our budget that way, too. But anyway, I am loving loving LOVING our house and our neighborhood. It all feels very comfortable and happy and RIGHT. Tycho and Kyle and the kitties are all adjusting awesome, too. We definitely know that we made the right choice.

Still, things are a little crazy, so pictures lately have been pretty much instagram-only, so I don't have a lot to share right now. But, cute baby to tide you over:

More content soon, I swear!

Sick & Tired

Oh hi blog. We're still not quite settled in our new space. Actually, that's not true. Not quite makes it sound like we're almost in, but really we're not even close. Neither of us have been able to take extra time off of work and I got ill and the baby is needy and nothing is getting done and we're still living in a box jungle.

This past week has been really rough on the mama front for me, too. You know, on top of that whole moving thing. Tycho of course ends up cutting one of his canines right as we are moving in. Some girlfriends warned me that canines are the worst, and they weren't kidding. I swear, it was like 36 hours of near-constant screeching. And nursing and nursing and nursing and nursing. No food, just milk. Which was okay, if annoying, until I got sick, and now I am barely dealing.

A bug was going around at work, and when I started dry-heaving in the shower yesterday morning I knew I hadn't managed to avoid it. And why I was so damn tired the night before. I am lethargic and head-achey and dehydrated and weak and pathetic and I DO NOT WANT TO NURSE YOU AGAIN, CHILD.

Tycho FINALLY caught on to the "milk" sign, and he's been asking to nurse constantly and I want to give him positive reinforcement, but sometimes I have just nothing left to give and I tell him no and he screams and flails and bangs his head on the floor and I give in and let him nurse while I sob because I am sick and exhausted and he is draining me of all of my energy.

I want to be done. I don't really want to be done. I don't know what I want. This is hard.



Anyway. We still don't have real internet at the new house. I am on some freaky free wifi that is probably stealing my soul and/or sensitive information. So expect sporadic posting for a while longer.

Moving Day!

The title says is all. We're moving into our new home today, so I will likely be absent for a bit. Not that that's anything out of the ordinary!

Busy

I swear I don't mean to be an asshole and never post, but like, life, man. We truly are very busy right now. It's September, which in the alternate universe that is fashion retail means the holiday season has begun! Are you ready for woolen mittens and down jackets? As such, I've been working crazy overnight hours this week. And next week.

Tomorrow, or later today I guess, we are signing on our new house! I barely want think about it because I have too many emotions about it and while I am stupid excited I also am terrified and I feel so unprepared. Movers are coming Wednesday and I haven't packed a single thing. No idea how we're going to get everything done, but we will figure it out. I am a ball of anxiety about this, but I know this is going to be so good for our family.

The next month is going to be crazy, but hopefully I'll have some updates of substance soon. At the very least, new house pictures!

Battle Wounds

Well, it seems we are solidly in the toddler stage now. Walking is Tycho's preferred method of locomotion. He's still not terribly good at it, though, especially when he's not looking where he's going or he's trying to go to face, or he's walking around somewhere other than a perfectly level indoor space. Or all of the above.

So, my baby currently has two black eyes. One, courtesy of the driveway, and the other from a bathroom cabinet.  I'm sure this is only the beginning.

siiiiiiigh.

Tycho is napping right now so I am just staring at this picture I took of him earlier and thinking about how perfect and amazing he is. That is all.

Shoes

My baby seems to be not so much a baby these days. All of the sudden I see this big kid. Bam! What changed? His shoes.

We he was getting in to the pre-walking thing I bought a pair of outrageously priced See Kai Run adorable squooshy baby sandals. I love them. The kind that are good for early walkers because they are not too structured blah blah blah yuppie mama. But I didn't go crazy and I just bought the one pair and he wore them everywhere and they served us very well, his baby shoes.

But the other day when Ashley took him an Arlo shopping at Target he tossed one somewhere (don't worry, it was later recovered), and so she strapped him into some of Arlo's too big, not yet sneakers. And wow. What a difference a pair of shoes makes.

Hey, little man.

Goodnight, Tycho

Tonight we gave Tycho a bath and put him in his jammies and we brushed his teeth and read a book and sang and nursed and he was still awake and so I told him it was time to go to sleep and I gave him a kiss and turned on the white noise and laid him down and tucked him in and turned out the light and closed the door.

AND THAT WAS ALL.

No tears, no nothing. WHAT THE HECK! I'm so excited! We have such a long way to go still with sleep, but this is a wonderful first step.

TYCHOSTEPS! AGAIN!

Perhaps I am a broken record at this point, but I LOOOOOOVVVVEEEEE Tychosteps. (Also, I love turning everything into a Tychoword: Tychosteps, Tychoman, Tychosmash, whatever.) But I just get all beam-y and ridiculous. And he's getting so good! Every single day he is a little more steady and a little more confident. He likes to carry his big red ball around the living room.  I just love it. I can't even write about it nicely because I'm such a big goober about it. WALKING! AMAZING! Love you, Tychobaby.

Monthlies!

Check it out, blog:

Tycho every month with his "birthday bear" showing us how much he grew in his first year. I'm not one for cutesy projects, but I did this anyway, and I'm so glad because lookit! How is this even the same baby! How was he so impossibly tiny? Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh!

And month thirteen:

I wonder how long I can keep this up!

Not such a baby anymore.

I know I just posted about this, but I'll say it again: I love toddlerhood. I do miss Tycho being a tiny squishy helpless newborn, and surely there was a lot that was easier about that stage. Food was simply breasts. No prepping snacks and toys for any trip outside the home. I didn't have to worry about discipline or child proofing or anything really. I will always look back on his babyhood fondly, and perhaps I will forget how hard I found it at the time. But it was hard for me. For both me and Kyle actually. The days felt very long and monotonous and even though he was beyond cute, there wasn't much in the way of positive reinforcement for anything we were doing.

Now can be hard, too. Tycho is boisterous and strong and is always getting in to trouble and on the verge of breaking something or eating something he shouldn't or diving headfirst off the couch. Tantrums happen now, and I still haven't mastered how to deal with them yet. Tycho requires snacks and he has opinions on them and his poop smells really bad now. BUT. But he is so awesome. He gives really great hugs. He gets better at walking everyday. He knows that balls are for throwing and he rolls toy cars along the floor. He is beginning to grasp the concept of gentle with the cats, and boy, does he LOVE the cats! He FINALLY is using baby signs after six months of seeing us do them. This time is so great.

TWUE WUV

So, like, yes, I totally love my baby all the time, always and forever, even when he is being a huge butt head. That goes without saying. Since he sprung from my loins and all that. But lately I feel like I am extra super in love with him. I think toddlerhood suits us all very well. I'm squee-city, here. Look at this kid, he is beautiful.

Amazing thing, amazing thing, amazing thing, amazing thing!

SOOOOOO.

Things are finally starting to turn around for my little family, and I'm at the point where things are not so secret. A few brief updates:

1) I GOT A PROMOTION! I am now a big fancy pants assistant manager. Haha. I'm really excited about it, though. I've been working my butt off for the past several months to prove myself and I'm so happy it's paid off. I really love what I do, so I'm super happy to climb another rung on the career ladder.

2) We're buying a house! Like, for real. We found a beautiful townhouse in an adorable neighborhood. We had the inspection yesterday, so now we need to do some negotiating, and , fingers crossed, it will be ours in about a month. More to come on that front.

3) TYCHOSTEPS!

Stuff

Blog! Why am I so terrible at updating? Ugh.

Life has been busy busy busy. Lots of BIG THINGS happening with us, most of which I don't really want to share until we're not in the thick of things. But the biggest thing of all: FIRST STEPS! Tycho actually took his first steps while I was at work for Ashley, and I am so proud of myself because I wasn't upset in the least about missing it. I am just SO excited about him learning to walk. We've seen quite a few more tentative steps since, and every time I feel like my heart is going to completely burst with joy. So awesome.

Anyway, more content soon. In the mean time, here's some pictures from Tycho's birthday party to tide you over.

Happy Birthday, Tycho!

Dear Tycho,

Yesterday you turned one year old. One year! That is amazing. YOU are amazing.

We had a fun day yesterday for your birthday. I am a mean mama, though, and started things off with your one year doctor appointment. It was a necessary evil, I guess. You were very unhappy about your shots, but only for a minute, and then we were on our way. You are still growing like crazy. You weigh 31 and a half pounds (99.99 percentile!) and are 32 inches tall (99.02 percentile), which means you are kind of thinning out. A teeny tiny little bit. Maybe. :)

After you had a nap we took a trip to the aquarium. The last time we visited, you were in my belly. You liked looking at the fish, and at the otters, but you were a little bummed when you reached out to touch them and the glass was in your way. Sorry, buddy. We'll take you snorkeling someday.

We ate some fish and chips for lunch, and then Daddy took off work early and met us at the new Great Wheel. It was a first ride for all of us. We were very high up, but you were no scared at all.

And after all that we watched Daddy's baseball game together. It was a long day, and by the end of it all you were pooped! So was I! But I think we had a lot of fun, and I'm glad I got to take off work and spend the whole day doing new things with you.

You are without a doubt the most significant thing that has ever happened to me. You made me a mother. You have changed my life. I am such a different person now than I was just over a year ago. I love you.

FOUR

I have a lot of posts to catch up on, I know, but I have been married for four years today and I think that is important, and I don't want it to get lost in the shuffle of all the baby birthday shenanigans. :)

Labor Day!

Happy Labor Day to me!

Party on!

Two more days 'til my baby is no longer a baby.

We had his birthday party today. A lot of stress and prep for a couple hours of overstimulated cranky boy, but oh well. First birthday! You have to throw a party. He probably won't have another real birthday party, though, until he is old enough to actually understand the concept of birthday parties. I'm not even sure when that is, yet. I will have pictures, eventually, I am sure, but I wasn't the one who took them, so not yet.

However, this:

I cannot believe how big he is getting, how old he seems.

For real, what happened to my baby?

Full circle, almost.

Tycho's birthday is in a week and a half and I am being completely consumed by nostalgia. I have no idea where the time went. I stayed up late last night looking through my weekly belly photos from when I was pregnant, and it was like looking at a stranger. I barely even recognize the person that I was just a year ago. Motherhood is awesome, in the true sense of the word. I don't think I am one of those women whose entire personality gets taken over by the mom identity. I have a job and interests outside of my offspring, and I can still have adult conversations with people about things other than my kid. But at the same time, I have become a completely different person. Motherhood can't help but change your priorities. Life has more gravity. I shake my head looking at the girl in those pictures. She has no idea what she is getting  herself into.

You can expect a lot more navel-gazing and introspection in the coming weeks, I think. How in the world did we get here?

Needy

I don't think it would really be fair to call Tycho a high needs baby. He has such a happy disposition. And anyway, with other people he's not. Kyle claims that he will happily entertain himself throwing balls around the living room and chasing the cats for an hour or two when I'm out at work. But, if I am home, I am a magnet. He has to be on me. Physically touching my person at all times. But not in a sweet cuddly type of way, either. Grabbing, hitting, biting, generally flailing. It's exhausting. If I am home and he is awake, I'm not doing ANYTHING else. Cleaning? Laundry? Relaxing? Ha!

I guess what I have is a mama's boy.

Doctor, doctor.

I suppose I should update on our visit to the endocrinologist, huh? (Thank you, anonymous commenter, for reminding me.) But really, I got nothing. It's almost not worth mentioning at this point, but loose strings ought to be tied up, I suppose.

My stomach was in knots over it, and I was warned by other mamas how traumatic baby blood draws can be, and I was steeling myself to stand up to a doctor that is under-educated about breast feeding and blah blah blah, and... nothing! Seriously.

Doctor man gave Tycho a full physical to try and find any other symptom besides his unusual size that could point to any sort of problem or condition and, no. The only things slightly out of the ordinary about my kid are:

• his eyes are slightly far apart,
• the bridge of his nose is a tiny bit wide, and
• the distance between his nose and his upper lip is a little long.

And that's it. So basically nothing at all. We didn't even do a blood draw, because there was nothing to test for. As I had been saying (mostly to keep myself calm), if there was something wrong with him, there would be something else wrong with him. And there isn't. At all.

His barely curving growth curve is still a little bit of a concern, I guess, and the endocrinologist suggested just watching it, and if it hasn't leveled off some by his birthday then we can go see a nutritionist if we're still worried. I'm not still worried, so it's kind of moot, anyway. I asked what a nutritionist would do and he said they would probably want us to keep a food journal for him to figure out exactly what he's eating, and exclusively pumping for a few days to see how much milk he is getting. I kind of tuned out at that point, to be perfectly honest, because a) no, and b) he won't drink the same amount from a bottle as he will straight from the source. And also, HELL THE FUCK, NO. Pumping. Right. No. 

Anyway, unless he's gained another ten pounds by the end of next month, the nutritionist is out. I don't know what they would be able to tell us anyway. He eats table foods, very little in the way of carbs, and breastmilk. I'm not going to stop nursing on demand and I'm not going to put him on some sort of crazy baby diet, so just, NO. No.

And I'm done worrying about it. Really and truly. He is fine. He is THRIVING. I'll save my worry for when there is something to worry about, thank you very much. Doctors. Whatever.

Thank you for your time. He is an adorable picture of my totally healthy baby, rolls and all:

Time Flies

Somehow last week my baby turned eleven months old. He's barely a baby anymore. I'm planning his birthday party. Where has the time gone? It's probably standard mom fare to feel emotional about this time, but for some reason I wasn't expecting it, and I get weepy at the oddest moments. I'll look at him playing or sleeping or whatever and I'll see this big kid. Where did he come from?

This year has been more full than any other in my life. I think that's the only way to describe it. So much packed in to such a tiny space. My mother told me that parenthood makes time speed up and she was so so right.