253 days to go!

This is very strange for me. On the one hand, I knew I was pregnant a week ago. Knew it. I'm used to the idea and I am ready for this and I. Am. Pregnant. But on the other hand, it still hasn't sunk in all the way what this fully means. 

I thought I would jump in and tell everyone in the universe as soon as I knew, and don't get me wrong, it's hard to keep mum, but right now I'm enjoying the quiet of just knowing and sharing this secret with myself and my husband without being bombarded by everyone I know.

Because let me tell you, this is going to be a big freaking deal. Our baby will be the first great grandchild on my mom's side of my family, and the first on both sides of Kyle's. And his family is huge and gregarious. I don't know a single person that I went to high school with who is married, let alone pregnant. Basically, this news is going to rock the world for a lot of people. And that's kind of scary. 

Right now my goal is to make it to Thanksgiving, because that seems like a reasonable time to tell everyone, with them all gathered together anyway. But it's entirely possible I'll give up within a week. How long did you wait?

Mild morning sickness started to kick in today. And I have just discovered that writing about morning sickness makes it worse, okay. It's unpleasant, yes, but it's also this reminder that someone is there, making him or herself comfortable. (Have I mentioned that I am approximately 200% sure I'm having a boy? Yeah, couldn't tell you why, though.) I've starting talking to or sometimes just thinking at my little blastocyst already. This is clearly ridiculous, but I can't help it. I will probably start some sort of "dear baby" series a la Stephanie, because I've loved reading her letters to Jasper, and I want to have that for my baby as well. That and a trillionty pictures of everything. Tomorrow I am officially four weeks, so I guess I will start then with my first belly picture, mostly for comparison in the future.

I'm just so excited.

Confirmed!

So, wow.


I started with a negative test on Saturday, but I wasn't super bummed out because I was pretty sure that I was in fact pregnant, and it was just too early to tell at only 10 days post ovulation. And I was right. I got that super faint pink line yesterday. Kyle didn't really believe me that it counted. I told him that any line, no matter how faint means I am pregnant, but he seemed to think that I was saying that out of wishful thinking. But the digital test this morning is loud and clear.

I'm pregnant. Pregnant. I'm so happy and my body is positively humming with excitement and I don't want to work or sleep or talk about anything else. At the same time, it all feels very casual and comfortable to me. I am almost positive that I felt implantation as it happened, and when my breasts started hurting I knew. And even when I got that negative test I still knew. So when I did get the positive it was almost old news. Almost. Clearly, I am thrilled, but I also feel very calm and prepared, even though I know I can't possibly be. I'm just so ready. I have had so long to think about this, and honestly I'm not really scared or nervous. Just excited. It's wonderful.


How in the world are you supposed to keep this a secret? I'm doing okay so far. I've told my sister and both my parents, and Kyle called his mother today. But I feel like that's pretty standard. I'm going to tell BFF as soon as we can get a lunch date scheduled, but if that doesn't work out in the next week or so the phone might have to suffice. I'm trying to wait until Thanksgiving to let the cat out of the bag but who knows. My dad said his money is on everyone knowing within a week. Oh well. It might be nice, because it was so hard not to say anything today at work. I wanted to respond to all the "how was your weekend?" with "ONLY THE BEST OF MY LIFE" (in all caps like that, you know), but then clearly they would ask why and where would we be then? I'll likely tell my boss as soon as I have symptoms which might start interfering with work, though. We'll see.


According to my calculations I am 3 weeks and 5 days pregnant. 36 weeks and 2 days to go! And I thought waiting for ovulation was hard... I can't wait to start seeing changes and I can't wait at all to start feeling my baby and talking to it, because I will all the time I know, and just wow. Wow.

That's all for now.

Can you see it?

I'm pretty sure it's there! :)

The Waiting Game

I can't make coherent posts when i am distracted by the possibility of pregnancy, apparently.

I've been obsessing over The Preconceptionist's list of early pregnancy symptoms. Maybe my mild constipation these days is related? Every little wave of queasiness I wonder if it's because I am pregnant, or its just the regular waves of queasiness I get anyway, and have been getting for the last ten years. And then I think that if its not worse than normal then there's no way I could be pregnant, and if I was I'd be cowering over the toilet bowl. I am psyching myself out. But I still have exceedingly tender breasts, and the nausea is there, even if it is all too familiar.

I'm not even really sure what I want to turn up on my imminent pregnancy test. All of the negatives I've received so far have be disappointing, but I was always pretty sure that I wasn't pregnant, so I never really had to face the reality of what those two pink lines really mean. But now that I am more sure than not, I am kind of terrified of that positive. Don't get me wrong, I want this, but it's scary to me that if I am in fact pregnant, there's no backing out now.  We can't decide to wait another month or year or three. And that somehow at the end of many month of discomfort that I signed myself up for I have to remove a human being through my body via my vagina, holy crap, am I really ready for this? Well, it may be too late. And that's okay. But frightening, none the less.

On Wednesday night, as my mom an I were eating enchiladas, as we do after yoga class every week, I told her that I think that this time might really be it.  I realized I don't really know much about how my sister or I were born, so we talked. Mom said that she knew right away with both pregnancies. She delivered us both without medication, so that's a relief to hear, but she ended up with an episiotomy with my sister. (P.S. Chrome does not recognize episiotomy as a word.) Her labors were both very short, with mine lasting about twelve hours from waters breaking to delivery, and my sister's was even shorter. My sister breastfed easily, but I was lactose intolerant, so she pumped and added lactaid to her breastmilk for me.  We were both weaned to formula after her three month maternity leave, but this was 25 years ago, when pumping at work just wasn't an option for my career minded mother.

Hearing all of this makes me feel really confident about my own pregnancy and birth, whether that comes now, or further off in the future. I am really lucky to be so close to her and to have her nearby to go through all of this with me when and if I do find myself pregnant.

I am also looking forward to sharing pregnancy with my mother in law. I know she is itching for grandkids. She won't come out and say it, of course, because she's much too polite for that, but the hints have been coming hard. Kyle's parents just put an offer on a house, and she mentioned to me in an email that she is excited to move because she can imagine playing with her grandchildren in her (hopefully) new neighborhood. Sigh. At least I know that when the time comes my news will be good news.


All right, that's all I've got for tonight. Think pregnant thoughts for me. I think.

This post is going to be all over the place.

I really think I might be pregnant this time.

I told myself I wouldn't do this. I sad that I was going to wait out my two weeks with out going on about this and over analyzing every hint of a symptom, but I can't hold out any longer. Every other time that I have been in this place, I have been creating symptoms out of thin air, feeling them for just a second and wishing and hoping that they would come back and totally doubting that anything was really happening, but I couldn't let go of the thought that maybe... possibly...

I'm still doubting right now. Fertility friend suggests that I ovulated only last Friday, which would make this a little early for me to be experiencing pregnancy symptoms, but I'm pretty sure that one last low temp was a weird fluke, and that I actually ovulated two days earlier, since that's what would me the most sense considering my cervical fluid, and maybe I am making too much of it, but I had some slight cramping that day that could have been ovulation pain. As it is, if I did indeed ovulate on Wednesday the 20th like I suppose, it was just after I actually managed to have sex. And if that is in fact true, I could expect implantation to occur perhaps a week later, and what do you know but I had some slight cramping Tuesday afternoon.

The idea that I might be feeling implantation did occur to me, as I was sitting there on the toilet at work on my lunch break, but I shrugged it aside, because, as I said, I'm trying very hard not to obsess. But oh, that night. My boobs felt so sore. So much so that when I again was trying to ahem, get down with my hubby I was too distracted to... you know. And they haven't stopped feeling sore since.

I've felt every pregnancy symptom in the book these past few months, but they've all been temporary and fleeting and quite possibly figments of my imagination. But this is real. And oh my god last night when I was getting ready for bed and walked down the stairs without a bra on. Holy hell. I probably look like some freaky perv because I keep touching them to make sure that soreness is still there.

I also told myself that I wouldn't bother Kyle with my neurosis, and that I would let him know if and when I ended up with a positive pregnancy test. But I couldn't help it. I told him last night that I think I might be. Of course, he isn't really interested in discussing the finer details until I'm actually sure, but oh well. And thus, this post, because I have to get this out of my system.

When can I just take a goddamned test? In theory shouldn't it work as soon as I feel symptoms. I don't know. I'm only at the most 8 days post ovulation. Bleck. If I am pregnant, I better get used to waiting. 40 weeks is a long time.

My Stupid Cycle

This is driving me nuts. Here's my chart for my last complete cycle:

My waking times are typically all over the place, and as you can see, so are my temperatures. Also, Fertility Friend is whack, because I'm pretty sure that I actually ovulated somewhere between cycle days 19 and 22, and that my luteal phase isn't 19 days long,  but who knows. (Please ignore the pathetic frequency with which I actually manage to have sex.)

Anyway, in an effort to understand what the hell is going on here, this go round I'm waking up at the same goddamned time every day (4:45 and it suck when it's unecessary, let me tell you) so that I can get an accurate look at things. Here's what I've got so far:

It looks better, I guess. I had some pretty intense cramping on the 17th, which I'm guessing was ovulation pain, but who the fuck knows at this point. Also, what the hell is going on with my cervical fluid. I thought charting was supposed to  help me, but honestly, I don't have a clue what's going on. I really wish I could get pregnant already so I could stop worrying about this shit, but now I'm wondering if the reason my charts are so bizarre is because I have underlying fertility problems. Wouldn't that be just awesome.

I have a couple ovulation predictor kits that BFF gave me because she had them for who knows why and didn't need them, so I think I might use them next cycle, not to help achieve pregnancy, necessarily, but really just to make sure that I am in fact ovulating, and when.

I really hate this shit. Sorry for the TMI.

Sorry, blog!

Hey friends in my computer. I'm sorry I haven't been attending to your care and feeding. I hope you're still alive in there!

Yeah, so it's been a bit since I've posted. I'm sorry about that, truly. Recently my husband posted this video on his facebook, and it's been making me think. I wanted to share it with you, but I also wanted to add my own thoughts, and I was having a hard time figuring out how to word them. (I know that 20 minutes is a lot of time to ask of a casual blog reader, but I promise this video is super worth it.)






The problems with our education system has been an issue that's long been very important to me. Up until recently, it's been from my perspective as a student. I failed out of high school. And it's not because I'm not intelligent. Because no one would suggest that. In fact, most people assume I did very well in school based on their interactions with me. But I didn't. I am one of those people that schools fail because I don't fit into their mold. I dropped out of college for somewhat of the same reason. I wasn't happy sitting in a chair all day listening to someone blather on about something. I wasn't learning, I was spending the required amount of time sitting in a lecture hall that some administrative professional deemed necessary for me to be educated. But really, most of my real education has happened on my own time, and on my own terms. I love learning, but I hate school.

When I was nineteen I ran for school board in Seattle. (Please do not Google this, because this was a time of a very unfortunate haircut.) There were three different school board races going on at the time (two candidates in each district), but the newspapers lumped all six of us together when discussing the issues. I was the only one who had any interest in challenging the status quo of the school district and the systems in place, while they were all squabbling about petty issues to distract everyone from the real problems.

I had a campaign fund of forty dollars and I was facing a candidate that was backed by a $15,000 political action committee. Needless to say, I didn't win. In fact, the news reported a "landslide" victory for my opponent when he won with 66% of the vote. I, however, think it was pretty amazing that simply based on my voters pamphlet statement (because like hell did I do any advertising) that I was able to garner so many votes. I was blown away. And I can promise you it was because I was actually saying something different. And it truly resounded with an amazingly large amount of people.


Anyway, I've now started thinking about education not just from my experience as a student, but also from the perspective of a future parent. Yes, I realize that I am many years away from having to deal with my children's entrance into the public education system, but still, its something that I think about. Actually, it's something that scares me. Neither Kyle or I did exceptionally well at school. We both succeeded because we are very smart, and that allowed us to get around the fact that the system wasn't made for people like us. But I'm worried that our children will also be people like us, and that possibly they won't be so lucky.

I don't know what the answer is. Oftentimes that scares me. Radical change, especially on the scale of something as big as the public education system is monumental. I don't even know where do start. But I do know from my experience as a school board candidate years ago that people are ready and open to change.

Kitty.

Maybe this is silly, but my cats make me want to have babies. I mean, clearly, I want to have babies anyway, but ...

This morning the bunny cat, who normally doesn't even like me that much was mewing and beeping and jumped up into bed and cuddled and nuzzled and generally loved me and it was amazing. And all I could think about was how much more amazing it will be when I have a baby in bed with me, cuddling and nuzzling and generally loving me.

Sometimes Kyle will baby-talk to the kitties, cradling them in his arms, and all I can do is picture him cradling a baby, and that image of big burly manly man holding a teeny tiny baby is just irresistible.

This has probably nothing to do with my cats in particular, and has more to do with my ability to relate anything and everything in my life back to babies. Every nap I take I imagine taking it with a baby asleep on my chest. I see everything through the eyes of my future toddler, from butterflies to bus rides. Work kills me. Merchandising baby clothing for a living means that every mannequin I dress I am creating outfits for my child.

I need a life. Or a baby.

I spoke too soon.

Immediately after my last post my period showed up. (As an aside, I so cannot get on board with this whole "Aunt Flo" euphemism.) So now I am crampy and cranky and still nauseous. And I have headache, but that's not likely related. I am happy that I am back to knowing what is going on again, but I am less than thrilled to start another round of the waiting game. I'd like to get this show on the road, and start waiting for new and exciting things, like midwife appointments and heartbeats and you know, a real, live baby. But right now we're in a holding pattern of waiting for ovulation, waiting for period. I'm bored.

Okay then

So, according to Fertility Friend today is cycle day 32. Also according to Fertility Friend, today is 19 days past ovulation. But according to Clear Blue Easy, I am not pregnant.

Considering my erratic waking times, and therefor erratic waking temperatures, the simplest explanation is that Fertility Friend mis-estimated my ovulation date, and it happened around five days later than my chart shows. If this is the case, then I'm still 14 DPO, which means my period still should be here by now, and I'm not even feeling any normal premenstrual symptoms yet. If that it the case it also means that I had sex the day preceding ovulation, which means WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHATS GOING ON ANYMORE.

My negative test was actually a couple days ago, so I could in fact be pregnant, just with a later conception date than originally thought, and have I mentioned lately that I hate this whole process.

I need to go purchase some more pregnancy tests. Ick.

Happiness

This is probably too sappy and gushy for anyone to enjoy reading, but I need to put it somewhere.

I am really happy.

It's kind of amazing.  And it's a wonderful background happy. A nothing particularly awesome happened today, but I still feel great, kind of happy. A work is totally stressful and I have to work overtime and I barely get to see my husband and my house is a certified disaster zone but I still can't stop smiling kind of happy. Happy.

Happiness that doesn't depend on things going my way (or at least not terribly wrong) is kind of new for me. I have a tendency to let the day to day bullshit stress me out and take over. I tend to take my work drama home with me, and let it consume my thoughts and often times my conversations with Kyle. Little things like dust bunnies and dirty laundry in my environment can create a huge black cloud over my day.  I usually have many happy instances, but the overall background mood is morose, or at least apathetic.  But lately, even though things have been average at best, I am feeling freaking amazing.

It totally doesn't matter when my boss's chronic health issues cause her to have a nervous breakdown at work. I take charge and do what I need to do to keep things moving. And it doesn't matter that I spent over two hours stuck in traffic today. I just turn up the volume and rock out to Todd Rundgren and the Backstreet Boys while other drivers laugh at me.



Also, I am super in love with Kyle. Always, but especially lately. We aren't seeing a lot of each other these days because we both have tons of work commitments, but he has been super sweet. He doesn't make a lot of grand gestures, but the little everyday things he does totally make me swoon. Like making me dinner and leaving it in the fridge for me even though he won't be home to eat it.

This is probably ridiculous, but at least once every day he'll do something sweet, or say something nice, or even just send me a MMS of the bunny cat hiding inside a paper grocery bag, and I'll think to myself, "I really should marry him." And then I remember that we are married and it makes me so happy.



In other news, it's 14 DPO, and there are no signs of impending period. No pregnancy symptoms either, except for morning nausea, but that's been a constant for me since I was a teenager. But maybe... just maybe... even though we didn't have a lot of success with the "trying" this go 'round.... maybe? We could be one of those cautionary tales for middle school sex education about why pulling out is ineffective birth control. We'll see.

Sisters

 

Annika and I at my engagement party

So, advance apologies for this way too long post with far too many photos, but this is highly necessary. My baby sister and my best friend, Annika, moved to France on Tuesday. Yes, you heard me right, France. She graduated this spring with a degree in French and International Studies, and she has a job now in Angers, the same city she lived in for study abroad two years ago.

I miss her already. Even though we haven't even lived in the same state for four years now, and even though we've done this before when she was doing her study abroad, this is just tough. She's really moved there. She bought a one way plane ticket! I talked to her this morning on Skype and she already has an apartment. My baby sister is all grown up.

Sweetness

According to my mother, I was not super happy about getting a sister in the first place. I once told her that if Annika had never been born, I would have gotten all the attention.

On our way to summer camp

We didn't always get along super well, especially in our teen years. If our lives had been a bad teen movie I would have been the outcast freak and she would have been the popular goody two shoes. We clashed a lot, but every once in a while when we let our guards down we would have a really good time together. It was just a taste of what was to come.

Once I left home for college things got so much better. We got over the boxes we had put ourselves into, and got to know each other as adults. She became my very best friend. We are very different, yet so alike. I think that though we have different skills and interests, our brains are wired in the same (very strange) way. We really get each other. Most of the time when we hang out we finish each other's sentences and then end up tangled up together on the floor laughing, with no idea how we got there.

At my wedding

We have chosen very different paths in life. I am a college drop out. I married young and I am trying to get knocked up and start my family. My sister is very driven. She graduated from college (where she had an academic scholarship) as a member of an honor society with a double major. She wants to have an important successful career. She is moving to freaking France! She plans to get married and have a family, but someday, in the distant future. Even though we're doing different things, we're very supportive of each other. She is really excited to be an aunt someday soon.

Dressed up for a Todd Rundgren concert

In Disneyland this past spring

I will miss being able to call her whenever I want, or being able to take a weekend to pay her a visit. But I'm so excited for her to have this opportunity. And fortunately, for Christmas this year, my parents are taking Kyle and I to France to visit her for a week. I can't wait to see her in her element. 

In a Eugene bar, celebrating her college graduation

To bring this back to my blogging purpose, my sister is the reason why I am definitely going to have more than one child. I can't imagine my life without her, and knowing the wonderful experience I've shared with her, I truly believe that the best gift I could give my child is a sibling. I know that my kids may not end up best friends like Annika and I, but I want to give them the opportunity to have someone like her. She understands me in a way that no one else I have ever met, and in a way I don't think anyone else ever could. Amazing.

With our friends (and a drag queen!) at her going away party last week

Family

When I think of my family I still mostly tend to think of my parents and my sister. The people that have always been my family. My family, where I didn't have a choice in the matter. I love my blood family. They are odd in the same ways I am. We understand each other. We have a great time together, in ways I've never experienced with anyone else.

I've been married for over two years now, and I'm only really beginning to think of Kyle as my primary family. It helps now, that we've eschewed roommates, and live just the two of us (well, five, if you count the cats). And I guess I've been thinking more lately about the family we will build together. It still feels weird to me, though, to have family that I chose. My parents have always been my parents. My sister just showed up without me having much say in the matter. Kyle, I picked out. I fought for this, really. We found each other from across a continent, and we've made it through cross-country moves, and break-ups. That has not been what family meant to me. But I'm finally getting used to this new definition.



Things have been tough for my family lately. Money has been tight, with Kyle's new job situation and the cat needing surgery unexpectedly. The nice thing, though, is that money woes seem to bring us closer together. We had a problem this past week with my paycheck going through. And a student loan payment that Kyle remembered at the last minute leaves us with about fifty cents in the checking account until my check clears. But somehow, paying for gas ant toilet paper with the roll of quarters we had set aside for laundry, and watching an illegally downloaded copy of The Last Starfighter was the perfect way to spend my Saturday night. It didn't hurt that Kyle surprised me with Chicken Parmesan when I got home from work.

This weekend I have confirmed that I really did pick the right family for myself, and that we'll grow it, eventually, and when we do, everything will be okay.

The Best Laid Plans...

So our super romantic night last night, well, wasn't.

Apparently putting all sorts of pressure on yourself to like, make a baby, makes sex into work and not so much fun, and yeah. It just wasn't happening. And even though I'm pretty disappointed, I don't really want the conception of my child to be some sort of drudgery. So it will be okay.

But anyway, there goes this month. Most likely, at least, as I haven't had that  spike yet, so in the case Husband is feeling particularly amorous tonight... So probably not. Oh well.

I guess the key here is for us to stop thinking about it and talking about it and just let. it. happen. But the problem here is twofold: First of all, I am me. Talking and thinking about it is what I do. That's what this motherfucking blog is for, after all. And it's not like I could stop if I wanted to. I suppose I could stop talking to Kyle specifically about it, but that lead us to problem numba two: the way our schedules are so irregular and non-overlapping and crazy, if we don't plan in sex, we don't have it very often. So if we just "let it happen," it'll probably happen sometime in 2015. Great.

Right now I don't really know what the plan is. Kyle and I probably need to discuss it more when we're not half naked after really bad sort-of-sex.

The Glamorous Life

Super romantic text message from my husband this afternoon:

We can have sex before I go out! I love you :)

It was in response to optimal baby-making time conflicting with his weekly boys' night out. Lovely.

Right now I am feeling like I can't wait until I'm pregnant so I can stop thinking about getting pregnant all the time, but I am pretty sure that when I get there, that pregnancy will be even better at consuming my every thought. But I'm so ready to get started.

Again

So here I am with yet another 180.

Work was so much better today. I can't guarantee I won't change my mind again about everything again tomorrow, but I'll take what I can get. Part might be working with my new GM again today; I really like her. And part might be that I rocked some mannequins yesterday, so now my new staff respects my mad skillz. But mostly I'm happy because the plan was confirmed today. The powers that be want me in and out of this store. Like, six months, get my training and get out. Hallelujah. And I started digging into my training today, and it feels so good to finally get started on it.

With all that in mind, I think it'll be much easier for me now to make the best of my current situation.  I'm hoping I can just jam as much possible information into my head in these six months and totally shine at the merchandising stuff I'm already good at and then move on to bigger and better things next year.  So I'm feeling good. For today at least.



As for other things, I'm feeling like it's possibly a really bad idea for me to ever get pregnant. Seriously, my emotions are all over the place right now. I cry all the time about everything. I cry at reruns of Gilmore Girls. Hell, I cry at Secret Life of the American Teenager. P.S. Don't tell anyone I watch that because ew. Embarassing. Last night I cried because I was overwhelmed with how thoughtful Kyle was to bring me a piece of mediocre cheesecake from the grocery store bakery. And then I went to bed and cried some more for no apparent reason. Can you imagine what pregnancy hormones would do to me!

Feelin' Blue

I am depressed about the work situation. I'm pretty sure I posted yesterday about how I like it there and I'm excited and something something blah blah opportunities blah blah whatever, but today, I don't know. It's funny, since actual work today was fine. I was styling mannequins all day, which is something I'm really good at and confident about, and something my new store needs a lot of help with, so I was in my element, and showing my stuff and making a good impression and whatever. Great, right?

Wrong. I kind of hate it there. I know that a big part of it is that I don't really know anyone yet and I don't have friends and inside jokes and someone to each lunch with, and a barista that recognizes me in the morning, and any grasp of the surrounding area where i could get lunch if only I had any idea where I was. And that will change as I get my bearings and get to know people, and I'm sure I'll be on a first name basis with everyone that works at Starbucks by the end of next week considering how often I am in there, but...

But there are some things that I really don't like about my new digs, and those are things that aren't going to change with the passing of time. Maybe my dislike of them will, but I'm not feeling super confident about that.The pace is so s l l o o o w w. I know that was supposed to be a good thing, but my day seems to drag on forever and I feel like I'm not accomplishing enough, and I'm always looking over my shoulder thinking that someone's going to catch me slacking off, but I'm the one working the hardest and I hate it. Half the associates are old enough to be my mom, and I find myself deferring to them even though I am technically the one in charge and maybe that's a personal failure, but it makes me uncomfortable. And the customers are all suburban yoga pants wearing soccer moms, and really I have nothing against suburban yoga pants wearing soccer moms, but they aren't my young urban fashion forward shoppers that were at my old store, and I miss that, and I don't like that I feel out of place for  wearing skinny jeans and a tunic instead of flares and a tee shirt. 

Blah. I need to get over myself. I need a hobby. I had planned to go running this afternoon after work, but instead I came home and moped.  I guess the up side of starting work later in the mornings than I am used to means I will have time to get a run in before work tomorrow.

So, I'm really sorry if you're here to help me scrutinize the meaning of my cervical mucus, or hear me ponder whether this teensey imaginary bout nausea could possibly mean I might actually be pregnant even though I haven't had sex for three weeks, but with the new job situation and the aforementioned lack of sex, this is all I have to offer.

One day at a time!

First day at my new store today. It went pretty well. I am not used to the hours yet, though, and I was really dragging by four or so. I'm used to being home by then. I like my new boss. She kind of reminds me of Madam Mimm in the Sword in the Stone when she has a wizards duel with Merlin and turns into a purple dragon. Except for in a cashmere sweater.

I mean this in a good way, I swear. (An aside--people remind me of various things: Disney characters, barnyard animals, political figures, always always in a good way, but I have to stop myself from saying so, because most people would be offended if I told them they looked like a pig. Even if I said I meant it in a good way. And I do.)  Anyway, new boss. I like her. She is very  much no-bullshit and says what she is thinking which is especially nice when what she is thinking is full of swears.

The pace at my new store, though, is so much slower than I am used to. I know that's what I was excited about, but it's going to take some getting used to. As of now, I just feel like I'm not doing anything and that I'm going to get in trouble for not doing anything. But hopefully this feeling will pass.

I'm feeling very melancholy about the whole thing right now, but part of that I'm sure is being overwhelmed by a new location and new people and new challenges, and once I get comfortable in my new space I'll start feeling confident again.

One more time, with feeling!

Last week I finally got my period after a 40-day cycle. I wasted three or four pregnancy tests, even though I knew I wasn't pregnant. But that little voice in the back of my head...  But it's really hard to find time to you know, have sex and things when you're working a 60+ hour week with overnight shifts when you're supposed to be ovulating. Actually, it's had to find time to figure out when you're supposed to be ovulating.

So I guess this will be the first month we are really and truly trying to get pregnant. I'm excited, but surprisingly calm. When we went off of birth control in May I didn't think I'd be able to make it this long without completely freaking out, but I'm okay. My very first two week wait, before we were even truly trying, was the most agonizingly long two weeks I've ever experienced. And I'm sure if there is a chance that I am pregnant this cycle, two weeks will once again take forever, but I don't think it will be so hard this time around.  It will happen when it happens. And a couple weeks in either direction isn't going to make or break any of my plans, except for maybe the trip we're supposed to take with Kyle's family next year, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Anyway, that's my new Zen approach to baby making. Please remind me of this when I am flipping out again in another three weeks.


Tomorrow I start work at my new store. I'm anxious and nervous and worried about what to wear and finding it okay and making it through traffic on time and not barfing on my shoes because I get myself so worked up over all of this.  I think, though, that this will ultimately be a good thing for me and for us and for my future family. At the very least, I will have less early mornings as I did before, so I'll be able to stay up late enough at night to actually see Kyle when he gets home from work, so we can... you know. And if I do manage to actually get pregnant, I don't need to worry about not being able to handle the stress of my job so much, so that is a huge weight off my shoulders.

Still, I don't feel quite ready for tomorrow.

Baking

At work, I am known for baking. If one of my coworkers has a birthday or gets promoted or finds out she is pregnant or makes it ten years with the company I will probably bring some cookies. Sometimes I bake for no reason at all. Anyone's last day is sure to bring out the baked goods. 

Yesterday I baked all afternoon. I baked a lemon cream pie, complete with homemade crust and real whipping cream. I baked fudgey walnut brownies. And then I baked a double batch of coconut chocolate chip cookies.

Why? Today was MY last day.

...

Wait, what? That's pretty much how I feel about it as well. On Thursday afternoon my manager told me that I was being transferred to another location. Today was my last day. I start at my new store on Tuesday. It's all very abrupt.

I'm still digesting all of this, but I am getting excited. I have worked at my current store for four years, and it's the only location I've ever been at. It's right in the middle of the hustle and bustle of downtown Seattle, and I love that. It's the biggest store in the state, so it gets all the special interesting product that other stores might not receive. We just did a full remodel, so we have all of the newest, nicest finishes.

But at the same time, my old store is kind of a monster. It's super high stress and high expectations, and going into overdrive all the time is really starting to wear me out. I haven't received any of my required training since I got promoted this spring, but I'm still expected to be exceeding expectations without any support to do so. I've actually been scared that if i do get pregnant, all the stress I am under will be hard on the baby. An acquaintance at (yet) another location just had a stress-induced miscarriage, and that terrifies me.

My new store is at a mall I have never even been to. It is small and old and unimportant. It never gets visited by the CEO when he is in town. I'm a little sad to be stepping out of the spotlight, but I'm also relieved that I'll get to reduce my stress level and relax a little bit, and finally get the training I so desperately need, so that I can move on to bigger and better things.


I am so not looking forward to my new commute, though.