b r e a t h e

I. Am. Panicking.

Seriously. What in the hell do we think we are doing, having a baby? We don't even have a savings account! (Well, actually we have three, but they collectively hold approximately twenty five dollars.) We're going to lose the baby under piles of laundry and cat hair and also possibly cat vomit. I mean, really. We are not grownups. And where the hell are we going to live? Pay no mind that our lease isn't even up until August (AFTER THE BABY IS SUPPOSED TO ARRIVE), and there's no way we can afford to cut out of our lease early. But like, we can't have a baby and no dishwasher and no laundry, what with the aforementioned piles of dirty clothing. But (see above re: savings account) it's not like we can afford anywhere better. Or anywhere better than a cardboard box once approximately 110% of my salary is going to daycare. And who doesn't get important adult things like a house before they have a baby? Who has a baby in a crappy rental apartment? Who? What first grader is going to invite their friends back to this piece of shit "home"? OMG, first grade? School? Should we start worrying about school districts and whether or not the local elementary is total ass? Because obviously we're not going to be able to afford private school! Why in the world did I have to be so incredibly selfish and do this NOWNOWNOW when clearly that was a terrible idea?

I know most of this is probably just pregnancy hormones and lack of good sleep and totally normal and everything, and that we'll hopefully figure out a way to make things work, but all these things are real worries for me. I mean we decided years ago that we needed a new couch and a new coffee table, and we still haven't managed to be in a financial position to make such a purchase, and the whole pregnancy/childbirth/baby thing is already going to cost us a lot of money that we don't have so I guess the baby is going to have to hang out on our disgusting old couch. At least baby won't be able to bump his or her head on any coffee corner tables, because we don't have one at all. I don't know. I think I really just need to cry and flip out and have Kyle hold me a reassure me and tell me everything is going to be all right, but as much as I love him, he's really not that kind of man, and doesn't understand this. He tells me it's going to be okay, but not in any way that makes me believe him or even really considered that these things might in fact be problems or that I'm not completely insane, and maybe hopefully I am but I really don't think so.

I already love this stupid little thing so much and I don't know how I'm going to be good enough.